This post comes mainly from an email Tim sent me earlier this week. His email was in response to a Time Magazine cover story called "The Childfree Life: When Having it All Means Not Having Children" I have adapted it slightly but the majority are his words of wisdom :)
Honestly, no one in
this world will love you more truly than a child who you show true love. People
need to understand the most important investment you can make in this world is something that will be
passed down through the generations. You would not be here today if not for
thousands of people coming together to raise children. Do not invest all of your time in
something that will not love you back, your bank account. What is the ultimate
meaning of life; love. And how do we achieve that? Through our relationship with others, not through
what we do, but who we are; our thoughts, our minds, our lives. Life is not
about comfort, it is not about living the easy life, it is about what will give
our lives true purpose which is the endless fight for the salvation of humanity. I hope
one day when I reach heaven, serving the world will not end, and that is part
of being a saint. I believe that we work hard in this life not to have an easy
life one day down the road, but for all of eternity, I will
fight for God and pray for others even in Heaven. I will give true life to the
world through my children, and through my children, the world will have many
saints.
You know, I heard an excellent thing on Catholic Answers It was in defense of
having children. Something came up and one of the hosts mentions he has 5
children. The caller responds that he is selfish, because children are a drain on
the economy. They eat up tax payer dollars through schooling, they require more
resources as we need diapers, more food to feed them, toys, etc. They also
costs hundreds of thousands of dollars to raise, not to mention the drain on
the parents. And to have 5 is crazy, no way each child is getting the attention he or she needs. But he responded that you cannot put a measure on love and happiness,
so she cannot know how much his children are loved, but what he can tell her is his
children know love through God. More-so is each of his children has been
taught to love the world. She had no children. So he responded, one day you
will grow old, you may not be able to care for yourself. You may fall in your
home and need to call 911, who will respond. Not the generation today, but the
generation he is raising, his children. If you are placed in a nursing home, it
will not be your peers that will take care of you, but a nurse, a young one,
perhaps one of his children. The food you eat, will be picked by a younger
generation still strong enough to do so. You ride a bus, it will be driven by
people still young enough to have good eyesight. There will be hundreds of
younger people taking care of you even without you knowing. If there aren't
enough young people, who will care for you? Who will pay your social security?
Children are expensive, but even in monetary terms, the amount they will give
back to society is far greater.
Now this Rachel adding my two cents. Yesterday I was sitting in Adoration before the Vigil Service of the Assumption of Mary. God helped me to realize that his personal plan for my salvation truly is through family life. I tried to imagine myself as a nun and I realized that I may not have been able to learn how to love selflessly and die to myself in a convent. It is kind of rough for me to realize this but I think I really will need the selfless love of my children to purify and sanctify my heart. I really treasure my sleep and I sometimes worry how I will cope with motherhood but I know that God will give me the grace I need to do so. I am so thankful that God has lead me this far to my vocation and I know he will continue to do so. However, it does make me wonder how will God be able to soften the hearts of those called to married life if they are not willing to open their hearts to the love children will bring into their lives?
How can there be too many children? That is like saying there are too many flowers. - Mother Teresa
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Sunday, August 11, 2013
One Way Ticket to Heaven
I have touched on this topic in an earlier post but I was having trouble sleeping at 3 am and after praying I decided that this was something that needed further attention. Lately I have really been faced with how selfish I can be and how much I really need to learn to die to myself in order to prepare for marriage. We have been having a relationship skills series at St. Brigid's and this past week we learned about understanding expectations. Expectations have caused many conflicts in my relationship with Tim. Some of them are normal especially in regards to communication. My view of communication is shaped by my feminine hard-wiring and his view is definitely shaped by the fact that he is male. This is something that we have been working through and as a result I have grown more comfortable with his silence and he has learned to talk more and express himself more. We have been dating 31 months and communication is something we will continue to work on for the rest of our lives. It has been a struggle at times but it has allowed us to grow into better people.
Here is the tricky part. In the relationship skills series we learned that there are four steps to learning to deal with and work through expectations. The first one is to become aware of your own expectations since a lot of them are unconscious. Then you evaluate them to figure out which expectations are unrealistic. If they are unrealistic you have to somehow learn to let them go even if you have held to them for years. Then once you decide which expectations are reasonable you need to communicate them lovingly to your partner. Lastly you negotiate how to manage the expectations and create a share vision together. Expectations only become valid when mutually agreed upon. I don't know about you but this was a tough pill for me to swallow. I have some expectations that I think are completely reasonable but Tim thinks are not. This will be something I will have to spend time reflecting on deeply. I know that Tim loves me and wants to work with me on this but nonetheless I know that it will not be an easy process for me.
It is incredibly difficult to be faced with the reality of our selfish nature and how it really is incompatible with loving another person more that our self. I know that I tend to me too hard on myself and that I am probably not as selfish as I feel that I am but this is still something I am struggling with. It is not enough to want to die to yourself, you have to actually do it. However, God has been showing me that this is not a negative process it is truly a beautiful process that we all go through in life. Yesterday I had the pleasure of attending a Ladies Breakfast at St. Brigid's and we had a parishioner come talk to us about marriage (she has fifty years of experience). She told us that marriage can be incredibly difficult at times but it allows us to see our true selves reflected in the other person. We have the opportunity to face all of our flaws and selfish tendencies and God gives us the grace to overcome it. Marriage allows us to grow in holiness with our spouse.
When we think of marriage as allowing us to purify our hearts and desires we can see how a marriage truly lived out as a Sacrament is a one way ticket to heaven. Ironically, at the same time the ladies were learning more about marriage the men were discussing humility. Humility is really the core of this whole process. We must humble ourselves at the foot of the cross and embrace our humanity and all of the flaws associated with it. The love of ones spouse and God combined together can give us the strength to face anything. At times I am scared to face my flaws but this is simply a lack of faith. Somehow I think that God is not capable of purifying my heart and desires to be selfless and altruistic. When I get disheartened I have to give myself a reality check and almost laugh at myself because I know God is more than capable of giving me the grace I need to love Tim as he loves him! There is nothing God cannot help us with if we fully accept and cooperate with the grace he gives us. As Tim likes to remind me that sometimes we can pray and pray for God's help but then it requires for us to take actions no matter how hard and humbling it is! Thank God for all of the love and blessings he bestows on us when we are striving to follow his path of goodness.
Here is the tricky part. In the relationship skills series we learned that there are four steps to learning to deal with and work through expectations. The first one is to become aware of your own expectations since a lot of them are unconscious. Then you evaluate them to figure out which expectations are unrealistic. If they are unrealistic you have to somehow learn to let them go even if you have held to them for years. Then once you decide which expectations are reasonable you need to communicate them lovingly to your partner. Lastly you negotiate how to manage the expectations and create a share vision together. Expectations only become valid when mutually agreed upon. I don't know about you but this was a tough pill for me to swallow. I have some expectations that I think are completely reasonable but Tim thinks are not. This will be something I will have to spend time reflecting on deeply. I know that Tim loves me and wants to work with me on this but nonetheless I know that it will not be an easy process for me.
It is incredibly difficult to be faced with the reality of our selfish nature and how it really is incompatible with loving another person more that our self. I know that I tend to me too hard on myself and that I am probably not as selfish as I feel that I am but this is still something I am struggling with. It is not enough to want to die to yourself, you have to actually do it. However, God has been showing me that this is not a negative process it is truly a beautiful process that we all go through in life. Yesterday I had the pleasure of attending a Ladies Breakfast at St. Brigid's and we had a parishioner come talk to us about marriage (she has fifty years of experience). She told us that marriage can be incredibly difficult at times but it allows us to see our true selves reflected in the other person. We have the opportunity to face all of our flaws and selfish tendencies and God gives us the grace to overcome it. Marriage allows us to grow in holiness with our spouse.
When we think of marriage as allowing us to purify our hearts and desires we can see how a marriage truly lived out as a Sacrament is a one way ticket to heaven. Ironically, at the same time the ladies were learning more about marriage the men were discussing humility. Humility is really the core of this whole process. We must humble ourselves at the foot of the cross and embrace our humanity and all of the flaws associated with it. The love of ones spouse and God combined together can give us the strength to face anything. At times I am scared to face my flaws but this is simply a lack of faith. Somehow I think that God is not capable of purifying my heart and desires to be selfless and altruistic. When I get disheartened I have to give myself a reality check and almost laugh at myself because I know God is more than capable of giving me the grace I need to love Tim as he loves him! There is nothing God cannot help us with if we fully accept and cooperate with the grace he gives us. As Tim likes to remind me that sometimes we can pray and pray for God's help but then it requires for us to take actions no matter how hard and humbling it is! Thank God for all of the love and blessings he bestows on us when we are striving to follow his path of goodness.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Do I really love him?
Over the weekend Tim and I were blessed to attend the Stuebenville San Diego 18:23 conference. Steubenville San Diego is a large Catholic teen conference that gathers 5,000 teenagers from different states. It is loud and chaotic but you can tell that Jesus is truly touching the hearts of many youngsters. Luckily they decided to form a young adult sub-conference last year for 18-25 year olds. Tim and I have never attended any type of Steubenville conference before so it was quite the experience for us. In this post I am going to focus on the final talk of the weekend that was given by Deacon Ralph Poyo. We entered midway into the talk as he was discussing the early Christian Martyrs.
Deacon Ralph was explaining to us that if he were a Christian living in Rome during that time, he would be placed in a very difficult situation. If Romans came and asked if he were Christian he would be giving himself, his wife, and children a death sentence. I had no idea that children were used for entertainment in the Coliseum. It makes sense that this would be the case but somehow I had been ignorant to this. At that moment if he said yes he would know that they would take his children away from him and take them to the Coliseum to "play lambs". The children would be told that they would get to pretend to be lambs and they dressed them in lamb skins. As they were crawling out into the Coliseum blood would be poured onto their lamb skins. They would then get cheers from the crowds as they ran around pretending to be lambs unknowing that starving lions were about to be released. When asked if he believed in Jesus Christ he would say yes knowing that his children would meet this fate. Wow. As he said this I had to think would I do this? I can't imagine not wanting to protect my children from this. And then I realized that I would be protecting them from things of this world rather than doing my ultimate job of leading them to heaven. His story was not finished though.
He and his wife would have been separated from their children and brought to the Emperors' palace. They would have been impaled, covered in tar, and made into human tiki torches for the Emperors' parties. He would answer yes knowing that this would be their fate. It is really horrible to imagine that this happened but what would motivate someone to say yes to this fate? His answer was only the love of Jesus Christ. The faith of the Martyrs was so strong that they knew that they had to die for Jesus and that death was not the end. So the question is will we die for Jesus?
In order to help us evaluate how strong our faith is he lead us through an exercise. He asked us to stand if we believed that Jesus was the son of God and wanted to follow him. I am pretty sure everyone stood up. Then he asked us if God asked us to pick everything up and move to Africa to live a simple life would we do it? I didn't even make it past the first test, I sat down. I could not just pick up and leave,I would have to pray and really think about the decision. Tim remained standing which surprised me. Later I found out he was assuming he would at least get to take me with him. The next question was if we would be willing to give up hopes for marriage and family and serve him as a single person. Tim sat down since he felt that God does not want that for him. However we later discussed that if we did get a clear sign from God that he wanted us to live single consecrated life in the next five months we would obey. Half of the room was still standing at this point. Then he asked what if a group of men come up and threaten to rape you if you do not denounce your faith. Some people sat down but others remained standing. He took it even further and the last question what if someone came up with a gun and asked if you were a Christian and they would shoot you if you said yes. Some people remained standing. My faith is not as strong as that, but as a Christian I am truly called to die for Jesus. So how am I willing to die for Jesus? The truth is that I realized how selfish I am and how much more I need to lay down my life for Christ. It was a really great, but a sobering and painful realization to have. We need to surrender everything to him, not our will be done but his. So how much are you willing to die for him? I really recommend that you spend some time in prayer and reflection thinking about this.
As our country continues to become more hostile towards Christianity ,especially Catholicism we really need to be prepared to stand strong for our faith. I am really excited that our Church will not comply with the HHS mandate but what am I willing to do? Am I willing to risk not paying my taxes so that my money won't fund abortions? Am I willing to go to jail? Am I willing to lose my job if it comes to that? Honestly I do not know how much persecution I am willing to take but I will certainly be praying that God prepares me to do so! We need to pray for courage and faith!
Deacon Ralph was explaining to us that if he were a Christian living in Rome during that time, he would be placed in a very difficult situation. If Romans came and asked if he were Christian he would be giving himself, his wife, and children a death sentence. I had no idea that children were used for entertainment in the Coliseum. It makes sense that this would be the case but somehow I had been ignorant to this. At that moment if he said yes he would know that they would take his children away from him and take them to the Coliseum to "play lambs". The children would be told that they would get to pretend to be lambs and they dressed them in lamb skins. As they were crawling out into the Coliseum blood would be poured onto their lamb skins. They would then get cheers from the crowds as they ran around pretending to be lambs unknowing that starving lions were about to be released. When asked if he believed in Jesus Christ he would say yes knowing that his children would meet this fate. Wow. As he said this I had to think would I do this? I can't imagine not wanting to protect my children from this. And then I realized that I would be protecting them from things of this world rather than doing my ultimate job of leading them to heaven. His story was not finished though.
He and his wife would have been separated from their children and brought to the Emperors' palace. They would have been impaled, covered in tar, and made into human tiki torches for the Emperors' parties. He would answer yes knowing that this would be their fate. It is really horrible to imagine that this happened but what would motivate someone to say yes to this fate? His answer was only the love of Jesus Christ. The faith of the Martyrs was so strong that they knew that they had to die for Jesus and that death was not the end. So the question is will we die for Jesus?
In order to help us evaluate how strong our faith is he lead us through an exercise. He asked us to stand if we believed that Jesus was the son of God and wanted to follow him. I am pretty sure everyone stood up. Then he asked us if God asked us to pick everything up and move to Africa to live a simple life would we do it? I didn't even make it past the first test, I sat down. I could not just pick up and leave,I would have to pray and really think about the decision. Tim remained standing which surprised me. Later I found out he was assuming he would at least get to take me with him. The next question was if we would be willing to give up hopes for marriage and family and serve him as a single person. Tim sat down since he felt that God does not want that for him. However we later discussed that if we did get a clear sign from God that he wanted us to live single consecrated life in the next five months we would obey. Half of the room was still standing at this point. Then he asked what if a group of men come up and threaten to rape you if you do not denounce your faith. Some people sat down but others remained standing. He took it even further and the last question what if someone came up with a gun and asked if you were a Christian and they would shoot you if you said yes. Some people remained standing. My faith is not as strong as that, but as a Christian I am truly called to die for Jesus. So how am I willing to die for Jesus? The truth is that I realized how selfish I am and how much more I need to lay down my life for Christ. It was a really great, but a sobering and painful realization to have. We need to surrender everything to him, not our will be done but his. So how much are you willing to die for him? I really recommend that you spend some time in prayer and reflection thinking about this.
As our country continues to become more hostile towards Christianity ,especially Catholicism we really need to be prepared to stand strong for our faith. I am really excited that our Church will not comply with the HHS mandate but what am I willing to do? Am I willing to risk not paying my taxes so that my money won't fund abortions? Am I willing to go to jail? Am I willing to lose my job if it comes to that? Honestly I do not know how much persecution I am willing to take but I will certainly be praying that God prepares me to do so! We need to pray for courage and faith!
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Just a Kiss?
As sex has lost its sacredness and meaning in our culture it follows that a kiss would be even less meaningful. It is pretty common to hear people talking about their weekends saying "Oh we just made out, nothing happened" When did kissing and making out become nothing? I understand that in comparison to sex that does become lesser but it definitely is still significant. I know that not everyone holds this view but I would like to challenge peoples attitudes towards kissing. All of us know that kissing does not create babies so what is the harm in kissing people? Isn't it just a kiss?
Think about what happens when two people kiss. When their lips connect in a sense their bodies become one (but not as fully as they do in the marital act). Even without using tongue it is undeniable that kissing brings two people together in a special way. When two people kiss a lesser amount of the bonding hormones released during sex are released. It is a beautiful and intimate way to connect with someone and I think this merits us treating them as something more than just a way of testing our physical chemistry with someone new.
When I was in high school I held to that idea that I would not kiss a guy unless he was my boyfriend. This certainly helped prevent me from getting involved with guys who were not interested in fully getting to know me as a person. Unfortunately I strayed from this notion a few times after my first relationship and I honestly can't believe I kissed guys that I barely knew. I thought I was being good because I would only kiss them but nothing more. I fell for the cultural lie that a kiss is just a kiss and nothing more. To my dismay my heart knew that wasn't the case. I tried my best to make those guys into someone I could be in a relationship with (by settling of course) but thankfully those guys were not actually looking for a relationship.
Luckily there is a growing movement of people who want to reclaim their sexuality and protect its sacred nature. I know hundreds of young adults who are striving to live chaste lifestyles. However, I have learned that sometimes we are so focused on the sacredness of saving sex for marriage that it is possible to lose sight of the sacredness of a kiss. If we are going to save our selves for marriage we should probably be stingy with our kisses. The idea of a courtship (dating with the likelihood of the relationship resulting in marriage is a beautiful idea) but I think people need to be cautious in how they proceed. If a couple kisses too early in getting to know each other before the commitment is certain it can certainly complicate things. Especially in chaste dating a kiss is very significant. A kiss should not come before commitment. If there is commitment is not laid out it can cause a lot of confusion for the girl or guy who wonders what exactly the kiss meant, does it mean they are a couple or not? Once couples begin kissing it is very easy to become enamored with the person and not get to know them as a whole person, flaws and all. That being said I must admit that Tim and I shared our first kiss after our first date and right after he asked me to be his girlfriend. I know that seems really fast. However, we knew each other as good friends for 1.5 years before we started dating and spent a month discerning entering into the relationship and the idea of marriage was already on the table.
Recently Tim and I had a sobering realization. Tim had started to feel that sometimes I was kissing him out of habit and it wasn't an expression of love. This was absolutely crushing too me. I love him and I couldn't believe I had made him feel like that. Occasionally, kissing has caused some other problems in our relationship (usually me feeling that maybe we were kissing too much). Tim proposed that we spend a week where we didn't kiss. In a sense it will help prepare us to be in the mindset for NFP and allow us to strengthen other aspects of our relationship. We did that for the first time last month and it really helped. We decided to make it a monthly thing and will start our week without kissing tomorrow! I also want to add that Tim and I decided early in our relationship to save french kissing for marriage as well. I think this has really helped us keep our relationship chaste and prevent temptation. I am sharing all of this in the hopes that it will make you think about how you approach the idea of kissing. I know that people will disagree with me and that is okay :)
Think about what happens when two people kiss. When their lips connect in a sense their bodies become one (but not as fully as they do in the marital act). Even without using tongue it is undeniable that kissing brings two people together in a special way. When two people kiss a lesser amount of the bonding hormones released during sex are released. It is a beautiful and intimate way to connect with someone and I think this merits us treating them as something more than just a way of testing our physical chemistry with someone new.
When I was in high school I held to that idea that I would not kiss a guy unless he was my boyfriend. This certainly helped prevent me from getting involved with guys who were not interested in fully getting to know me as a person. Unfortunately I strayed from this notion a few times after my first relationship and I honestly can't believe I kissed guys that I barely knew. I thought I was being good because I would only kiss them but nothing more. I fell for the cultural lie that a kiss is just a kiss and nothing more. To my dismay my heart knew that wasn't the case. I tried my best to make those guys into someone I could be in a relationship with (by settling of course) but thankfully those guys were not actually looking for a relationship.
Luckily there is a growing movement of people who want to reclaim their sexuality and protect its sacred nature. I know hundreds of young adults who are striving to live chaste lifestyles. However, I have learned that sometimes we are so focused on the sacredness of saving sex for marriage that it is possible to lose sight of the sacredness of a kiss. If we are going to save our selves for marriage we should probably be stingy with our kisses. The idea of a courtship (dating with the likelihood of the relationship resulting in marriage is a beautiful idea) but I think people need to be cautious in how they proceed. If a couple kisses too early in getting to know each other before the commitment is certain it can certainly complicate things. Especially in chaste dating a kiss is very significant. A kiss should not come before commitment. If there is commitment is not laid out it can cause a lot of confusion for the girl or guy who wonders what exactly the kiss meant, does it mean they are a couple or not? Once couples begin kissing it is very easy to become enamored with the person and not get to know them as a whole person, flaws and all. That being said I must admit that Tim and I shared our first kiss after our first date and right after he asked me to be his girlfriend. I know that seems really fast. However, we knew each other as good friends for 1.5 years before we started dating and spent a month discerning entering into the relationship and the idea of marriage was already on the table.
Recently Tim and I had a sobering realization. Tim had started to feel that sometimes I was kissing him out of habit and it wasn't an expression of love. This was absolutely crushing too me. I love him and I couldn't believe I had made him feel like that. Occasionally, kissing has caused some other problems in our relationship (usually me feeling that maybe we were kissing too much). Tim proposed that we spend a week where we didn't kiss. In a sense it will help prepare us to be in the mindset for NFP and allow us to strengthen other aspects of our relationship. We did that for the first time last month and it really helped. We decided to make it a monthly thing and will start our week without kissing tomorrow! I also want to add that Tim and I decided early in our relationship to save french kissing for marriage as well. I think this has really helped us keep our relationship chaste and prevent temptation. I am sharing all of this in the hopes that it will make you think about how you approach the idea of kissing. I know that people will disagree with me and that is okay :)
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Looking for Love
Tim will be happy to learn that some of his wisdom that inspired this post. We have some friends who are having a really hard time finding a good relationship. Tim essentially said that love isn't really something that we can go out seeking. In a way it has to come to us. If we are actively seeking love it is inevitable that we will become desperate and overlook red flags. True love flows freely between two people and it is not something that we can force out of someone. We can't make someone love us. The only caveat that I would like to add to Tim's wisdom is that we actually can seek love, from God. Gods love is always freely flowing towards us we just need to open ourselves and invite his love in. We don't have to make God love us he always loves us thank goodness.
When I was younger I always had a feeling that the man for me would come in my life when I didn't expect it. So I tried to pretend I wasn't actively seeking out love even though in reality I wasted way too much time trying to get someone to love me. And Tim kind of did sneak into my life when I had my heart set on someone else. God has a really good way of working things out even if we are resistant to his plan at first. Eventually most of us reach a point where we realize that our way of searching for love just isn't working and we have to surrender our desires to him. An amazing thing happens when we do this. We realize love isn't as far from our grasp as we though it was. To quote a movie I used to love " Love actually is all around". How true is that. We spend so much time pursuing romantic love when really love is all around us. Some people didn't come from loving families but hopefully they have found a loving group of friends. If you don't have a lot of love in your life cling to Jesus and his mother Mary and they will show you a love that you didn't think was even possible. We need to focus on our blessings and not what we don't have (this is something I certainly need to do more of).
So where are you looking for love? If you are going out to parties and bars don't be surprised when the guy you meet there turns out to not be the greatest guy. If you want to save yourself a lot of heartache turn to God and allow him to feel your heart with love. I know this is a reoccurring theme but I don't think it can be said enough, trust in God's timing his timing is always perfect. When we mess with God's timing and think our plan is better we end up hurting ourselves. God knows the desires of our heart better than we do and he plans to fulfill them in amazing ways here on earth and then beyond our greatest dreams once we are in heaven with him!
When I was younger I always had a feeling that the man for me would come in my life when I didn't expect it. So I tried to pretend I wasn't actively seeking out love even though in reality I wasted way too much time trying to get someone to love me. And Tim kind of did sneak into my life when I had my heart set on someone else. God has a really good way of working things out even if we are resistant to his plan at first. Eventually most of us reach a point where we realize that our way of searching for love just isn't working and we have to surrender our desires to him. An amazing thing happens when we do this. We realize love isn't as far from our grasp as we though it was. To quote a movie I used to love " Love actually is all around". How true is that. We spend so much time pursuing romantic love when really love is all around us. Some people didn't come from loving families but hopefully they have found a loving group of friends. If you don't have a lot of love in your life cling to Jesus and his mother Mary and they will show you a love that you didn't think was even possible. We need to focus on our blessings and not what we don't have (this is something I certainly need to do more of).
So where are you looking for love? If you are going out to parties and bars don't be surprised when the guy you meet there turns out to not be the greatest guy. If you want to save yourself a lot of heartache turn to God and allow him to feel your heart with love. I know this is a reoccurring theme but I don't think it can be said enough, trust in God's timing his timing is always perfect. When we mess with God's timing and think our plan is better we end up hurting ourselves. God knows the desires of our heart better than we do and he plans to fulfill them in amazing ways here on earth and then beyond our greatest dreams once we are in heaven with him!
Sunday, May 5, 2013
How can you tell if someone truly loves you?
Love is something that people can define in many different ways. For some people it is the warm fuzzy feelings that happen in the beginning of a relationship. For others love is synonymous with sex, we say "making love" which everyone understands as having sex. Which is on to something, but for love to exist it has to be self-sacrificial. I am pretty sure Cosmopolitan and Seventeen often have articles which are supposed to help women discern how their boyfriend actually feels about them. Instead of over-analyzing his texts and whether or not he wants to cuddle after sex, I think there are more important questions to ask.
A good place to start is by looking at your relationship. Is your relationship defined and is it exclusive? A lot of people have gray area when it comes to knowing whether or not they are in a relationship and it is really sad. It is a mans job to pursue a woman and it is his job to make his intentions clear. I would hope the man is interested in pursuing marriage with the woman and that is why he wants to date her but I know that is not always the case. If you are in a pseudo relationship with someone and you are scared to ask them if they are your boyfriend/girlfriend chances are you should not be dating that person.
Another question to consider is where is the relationship headed? If you cannot see yourself marrying the person it is best to stop wasting your time. If the person you are dating is not marriage material they will not change. Although this is counter-cultural, I believe that dating should be focused on the prospects of marriage with that person. I would also recommend that you choose someone who is focused on Jesus. In the past when I tried to date in my own terms it did not work out well for me. Before I was able to start dating Tim God had to teach me that every person on this earth would disappoint me and Jesus was the only man who would never disappoint me. I realized how silly it was for me to be investing so much of myself in pursuing guys when who I should have been pursuing was Jesus. My relationship with Jesus allows me to depend on him so that Tim isn't solely responsible for my happiness and helping me through my struggles. A relationship without Jesus can be very difficult as the focus is 100% on the other person. When Tim and I have some difficult times we have a tendency to be very inward and stubborn , luckily as soon as we open ourselves up to the Holy Spirit God allows us to be more selfless. It is a work in progress but he is definitely helping us immensely!
Lastly, I want to pose a hard question. Is your significant leading you to heaven or are they leading you to sin. Some of my friends have been in relationships that I could tell were leading them away from God and it is really hard to watch. For my friends who are in sexual relationships I am always wondering would the guy leave them if the stopped having sex? If he would then he doesn't love them. On the other hand, some of my friends are dating some great guys who truly love them and I imagine that if they told them they decided they wanted to wait until marriage their boyfriend would respect that. If you love your boyfriend or girlfriend you should want the best for them and what is better than heaven? If you do not understand why it is important to wait until marriage to engage in God's plan for procreation I would recommend that you study Theology of the Body, anything by Christopher West or Jason Evert is a great place to start!
I really cannot express how beautiful it is to know that Tim has waited for me and that he loves me so much he would never lead me into a counterfeit union. We are blessed that we have both waited this long but I know that is not the case for everybody. It is never too late. If you are in a relationship that isn't loving don't be afraid to get out of it. Being single is better than being used. And if you are in a loving relationship it is never to late to decide to have a chaste relationship. It really is beautiful and it is worth it. God doesn't want to deprive us he wants to blow us away with his love :)
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Feeling Safe
As a woman I know it can be very important yet very difficult for us to feel safe in a relationship. When I was younger I know that I did not feel safe enough to be my true self in my first two relationships. I was not free, I was trapped in having to be the kind of girlfriend I thought I had to be in order to hold onto the relationship. I had to drift away from God and Church because that wasn't important to them. I was using my body to attract because I didn't feel that my soul was what they wanted. I remember being so insecure and being scared to express my feelings in fear that they wouldn't be returned. Without the security of knowing my whole being was cherished I could not flourish. Thankfully neither of the relationships lasted long but even that short period of time was enough to cause deep wounds that would take time, prayer, and Tim showing me what real love looked like for me to be able to trust and be free.
I know that I am not alone in this. A lot of women bear emotional (if not physical) wounds from previous relationships. Men carry these wounds as well. Even though I didn't have horrible relationships it still affected my relationship with Tim. Women are designed to trust men and be able to love freely. We tend to give a lot of ourselves to relationships even though they are not deserving of it. This sets us up to be wounded easily unfortunately. Listening to women who have been in unfaithful or abusive relationships is the worst. They have to work through so much before they can even be in a place where they can consider trusting men again and it breaks my heart.
In order to prevent further damage to our hearts I think it is really important that we guard our hearts and not ;et everyone in unless they are trust worthy and men prove themselves to be interested in our whole being not just our physical attributes. In the beginning of my relationship with Tim it took me a long time to trust him physically. Tim never disrespected me physically or tried to make any sexual advances on me but because I had experienced that in the past I was on high alert and it literally took me about six months to realize he was never going to do that. This was really hard on me because I wanted to trust him completely but he had to earn my trust and he was happy to help me through the healing process. Even though he wasn't responsible for having caused the wounds he was happy to be able to help me through it because he loved me and wanted me too be able to trust him completely which I can say that I finally do now.
Emotional freedom is another aspect of trusting and being free in a relationship. I am a very emotional and sensitive woman. This is how God created me and because of this I have a great ability to be empathetic which helps me to be a better counselor and friend. However, it can be quite the burden on Tim. I am working on trying to give stuff up to God and allow him to help me through it but usually I still need to share it with Tim and he has become awesome at dealing with it. Before I used to stifle my emotions which really wasn't healthy and I definitely wasn't free. Now I feel so safe I can share the most ridiculous emotions I have with Tim, sometimes he still needs to coax it out of me though haha. Sometimes I still sit in wonder of how amazing it is to share all of my feelings with him and know that he will treat them delicately. I can express my love to him in different ways and not worry of how it will be receiving. Everyone deserves this. If you do not find this in an earthly relationship it is certainly available with God :)
I just have to share this of an example of what I mean. Sorry if it seems like I am bragging but I hope that all women will experience something like this. Earlier this week I was hormonal and having a rough day so Tim sent me this text at work. "You're the love of my life, the one who I will hold when she is sad, carry when she doesn't have enough strength, make laugh when she can't smile, tell her we will make it through hard times, be Jesus for right here on earth as best as I can be, forever and always until I die" I am so blessed to have him and what is even better is that he lives that it isn't just words. Sometimes I feel like I don't do the same for him but I am working on it. If our relationships are centered on Christ's ultimate example of sacrificial love on the Cross we will all have safe, loving, and trusting relationships!
I know that I am not alone in this. A lot of women bear emotional (if not physical) wounds from previous relationships. Men carry these wounds as well. Even though I didn't have horrible relationships it still affected my relationship with Tim. Women are designed to trust men and be able to love freely. We tend to give a lot of ourselves to relationships even though they are not deserving of it. This sets us up to be wounded easily unfortunately. Listening to women who have been in unfaithful or abusive relationships is the worst. They have to work through so much before they can even be in a place where they can consider trusting men again and it breaks my heart.
In order to prevent further damage to our hearts I think it is really important that we guard our hearts and not ;et everyone in unless they are trust worthy and men prove themselves to be interested in our whole being not just our physical attributes. In the beginning of my relationship with Tim it took me a long time to trust him physically. Tim never disrespected me physically or tried to make any sexual advances on me but because I had experienced that in the past I was on high alert and it literally took me about six months to realize he was never going to do that. This was really hard on me because I wanted to trust him completely but he had to earn my trust and he was happy to help me through the healing process. Even though he wasn't responsible for having caused the wounds he was happy to be able to help me through it because he loved me and wanted me too be able to trust him completely which I can say that I finally do now.
Emotional freedom is another aspect of trusting and being free in a relationship. I am a very emotional and sensitive woman. This is how God created me and because of this I have a great ability to be empathetic which helps me to be a better counselor and friend. However, it can be quite the burden on Tim. I am working on trying to give stuff up to God and allow him to help me through it but usually I still need to share it with Tim and he has become awesome at dealing with it. Before I used to stifle my emotions which really wasn't healthy and I definitely wasn't free. Now I feel so safe I can share the most ridiculous emotions I have with Tim, sometimes he still needs to coax it out of me though haha. Sometimes I still sit in wonder of how amazing it is to share all of my feelings with him and know that he will treat them delicately. I can express my love to him in different ways and not worry of how it will be receiving. Everyone deserves this. If you do not find this in an earthly relationship it is certainly available with God :)
I just have to share this of an example of what I mean. Sorry if it seems like I am bragging but I hope that all women will experience something like this. Earlier this week I was hormonal and having a rough day so Tim sent me this text at work. "You're the love of my life, the one who I will hold when she is sad, carry when she doesn't have enough strength, make laugh when she can't smile, tell her we will make it through hard times, be Jesus for right here on earth as best as I can be, forever and always until I die" I am so blessed to have him and what is even better is that he lives that it isn't just words. Sometimes I feel like I don't do the same for him but I am working on it. If our relationships are centered on Christ's ultimate example of sacrificial love on the Cross we will all have safe, loving, and trusting relationships!
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