And then there were two kids!

         I can't believe it has been more than a year since my last blog post. I can explain! Ironically as I wrote my last post on my reflections on the first year of motherhood, I was already one week pregnant with baby # 2. I am so glad I already trusted that God would give me strength to endure any challenges prior to that pregnancy because being pregnant while chasing a toddler and working four days a week was no cake walk. My second pregnancy was easier in that I had slightly less nausea and less fatigue thankfully. I had new challenges in that I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes at 28 weeks. Thankfully my job as a Degreed Nutritionsit allowed me to understand and implement a diet that controlled my blood sugar and I did not require medication or special monitoring for my baby. At 34 weeks I was driving to work and noticed I had 3 contractions in 15 minutes. They never stopped. I was put on bed rest and tried to take it easy until 36-37 weeks but little Giovanni Paul Barbeau stayed in until 38 wks 6 days just like his sister! I couldn't even coax him out while his grandparents were visiting from Washington. Overall my second pregnancy was easier because I had Gianna to remind me how worth it everything was going to be. And I was so excited to see how she would be as a big sister!

          The day before Giovanni was finally born I came to the conclusion that the reason my labor was starting and stopping was that he was not in the correct position and couldn't descend further. Luckily I had copied directions for the "Adominal lift and tuck" from Hypnobabies which is a technique for getting baby to rotate when you are experiencing back labor from a baby facing the wrong direction. Tim and I had been sent home from triage early Friday morning because I was not progressing. I was so tired of having painful contractions that weren't making and progress! So after we got a few hours of sleep and ate breakfast I told him that he was either going to help me try to rotate baby or I was going to a chiropractor! Well we started around 930 and did the technique during contractions (it is kind of like the Heimlich!), It was extremely uncomfortable but I could tell it was working. They recommend trying 10 contractions but it only took about 8 before I felt the pressure shift and we were in active labor! After that my contractions were 2-3 minutes apart and I was screaming at Tim so we knew this was really time to head to the hospital. I survived the 30 minute drive to the hospital which I had been afraid of, it definitely wasn't easy though. I kept telling myself "I can do this, I don't have a choice!" and by the time I got checked out in triage and was 6.5-7 cm I was all about the epidural. I think I finally got into my room and had the epidural placed around 1:30. I remember texting Melissa, who would be his godmother at 3 pm that they were just waiting for me to dilate fully and I would probably push in 1-2 hours. Well Giovanni was born 7 minutes later. Hearing the time he was born and then seeing what time I had texted her, I couldn't believe it. Basically right after the text was send the Doctor came in to see how I was feeling and decided to check me super fast. Well he saw Giovanni's head called everyone into the room and I think I pushed 3 times and he was born! So much easier than my 2 hours of pushing Gianna out. And my recovery was way easier as a result as well.

          Giovanni came out looking like a grumpy old man and he was hungry! Within 15 minutes of being born he was sucking on his thumb and ready to nurse. Thankfully he latched well and ate for forty minutes and then ate every hour for the first 24 hours of his life. That was definitely a heads up to me that he was going to be a frequent nurser. Six months later he is still nursing every 2 hours mostly around the clock ! I am so grateful that I am able to nurse him and provide the milk he needs to grow. I plan to write more in a future post to encourage other moms who had difficulty nursing their first baby!

         Fast forward six months and I LOVE having two kids! Aside from pretty much never getting enough sleep to function (which is now 5 hours for me) it is going really well and I am happier than ever. I still have my dark days when I am up with him every hour and super exhausted but overall I find so much joy in watching my children grow and develop their sibling relationship. It does not surprise me that Gianna loves her brother so much and tries to take care of him but I have been surprised that Giovanni has been so interested in her since the beginning. He has been laughing at her since he was two months old! Gianna is legitimately good at helping me with him. She will tell me when he is crawling towards something he isn't supposed to have and she is good at entertaining him while I try to cook. Having two kids is definitely easier than just having Gianna and it is such a wonderful blessing. I will say having them closer together helps because Gianna still naps around 3 hours so it guarantees that I at least get to lay down with Giovanni. I also only went back to work two days a week so that has made things easier as well. I plan to share more in the future but I want to encourage anyone contemplating having a second child that it is definitely easier than your first!

Reflections on my first year of motherhood.

          I want to start off by saying that every sacrifice and challenge has been worth it. There have certainly been times that I wasn't sure of that but now when I look at my joy filled daughter and she smiles at me I know that I wouldn't change anything. I hope this can be encouraging to those in the throws of motherhood, especially adjusting to life with a newborn. Raising a baby and then raising a child is the hardest thing we will ever do. It is so challenging because we are not completely in control. Sometimes it does not matter how "good" of a parent we are, our child is independent and will still choose to defy us or completely go against everything we have worked for. Even though my daughter is only one it is so hard for me to handle when she looks at me and still does something I ask her not to do. And I know that this is just the beginning in a long life of lessons and growth for me. I am learning and growing in patience, love, self-sacrifice and so much more.

       Over the past year I have learned that I am so much stronger than I ever thought I was. More importantly, I have learned that God will never give me more than I can handle and that I am never alone. Sleep deprivation has certainly lead to some very dark days but then I think about how lucky I am to have my healthy daughter and I try to pray a prayer of thanksgiving and offer my small sufferings for those who are having difficulty conceiving. And there are some days that I am still grumpy and I take it out on my husband because I am not perfect but God is certainly working on my heart! I am also learning to not take things personally when my daughter does something she is not supposed to but it is so hard for me. She has been throwing her food/ sippy cup off her highchair and it really drives me crazy. I keep having to remind myself that she is learning what is acceptable and not acceptable behavior and that it is a normal part of development but it sure is challenging me!

       On the really challenging days, mostly when I am sleep deprived, I seriously doubt that I am cut out for motherhood. Who else has been there? I am willing to bet that a lot of moms feel that way because it is seriously tough. And I think there may be someone who wants to convince us that we can't handle it so that we close our hearts to more kids and he wins. The good news is that I am not alone, Tim balances out a lot of my short-comings and helps me to grow. Furthermore, God is helping me to become the mother that Gianna needs and I pray that the Holy Spirit helps me grow every day. And we have a community of love surrounding us! There are so many people who have helped to raise Gianna and she has benefited so much from it. And guess what? At the end of the day Gianna does not need a perfect mother, she only needs me. She needs me to love her. She needs me to love her father and God and then everything else will work itself out. As I write this I am reminding myself to focus on this and not get caught up in all the various parenting techniques there are out there. Love is the most important thing we can give to our children and the best lessons we can teach.

       Another important lesson is that motherhood is ENOUGH. A few nights ago I was talking with Tim about how I really want to get involved with a ministry. He cautioned me that I should not get involved with something that will take up a lot of time because my primary vocation is our family. I told him that I used to be super involved in college and that it's really weird to not be involved in a ministry right now. He told me that raising our child is the most important ministry that I can be involved with right now. Although there may not be much glory in it, he is right. I am not trying to downplay being involved in ministries because they are important but the family is the domestic church and where we learn to love. Since I work four days a week and Tim is currently taking an evening class it would be selfish for me to sacrifice time from our family to get involved in other ministries. For now I will focus on our family and in the future when Gianna is older I will start to bring her with me and teach her how to serve others and the Church. Parents please remember that your primary vocation is to love your spouse and your children and make sure that your other commitments are not taking away from that!

      Lastly I just want to share how amazing it has been to watch Gianna grow over the past year. I still get emotional when I think about how amazing it is that God allowed Tim and I to participate in creation with Him. And then she grew inside my body for nine months! In only a year she has grown to be half my height (even though I am short it's still quite the accomplishment). And she has grown into her own person with a huge personality. She absolutely loves people. She loves to talk to other people and babbles all day long. She loves music and starts to move her head side to side whenever she hears it and will often start to sing. She has recently started to have pretend tea parties and it is the most adorable thing ever. I love her so much and I live in constant awe of the fact that she is my daughter. I am looking forward to watching her grow over the years and I pray that we both have many years left on earth together!

What is the best answer to a world filled with violence and fear?

         Babies. This is not a pregnancy announcement but something I have really been pondering lately. I think we are all aware that there is a lot of scary things happening in our country and around the world. I will admit that I have been really worried and afraid some days. And then we had a bible study with some of our friends to go over the Sunday readings. It was the readings for the feast of Christ the King and the Gospel talked about how Jesus is the alpha and the omega. Jesus has always been. Along with that God has always had a plan for the world. He gives us free world but he also knows what will choose to do with it. God already knows all of the bad things that will happen in this world and he also knows how he will save the world. In a way he already has saved the world through Jesus, but at the end of time he will be victorious and if we choose to follow him we will enter into eternal communion with him and there will be no more violence, fears, or tears. God has everything under control .Should I say that again? GOD HAS EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL. In other words we need to stop worrying about the future. It is difficult not to worry but this is where our faith in God can grow. We still need to pray for the grace to be able to trust God completely but we really need to stop worrying because it does not help us at all.

        Okay so what does that have to do with babies? When I have been reading about all of the violence in the world, I think about how much hate people are filled with and how much love they need. And then I see my daughter yelling at strangers trying to say hi to them and babbling away. She brings love and joy to strangers who may not have anyone in their life to smile at them. She brings the joy of God to others. I have become very convinced that the best way I can fight against the evil in this world is to raise my children to love others. If you have met my daughter you will see how her joy is contagious. I love it. She has no problem crawling up to people and smiling and laughing with them. And when I think about her growing up I know that she will make the world a better place in her own small way. Every child we bring into this world will impact the world in some way and we hope that it will be a positive way. It makes me so sad when people decide that they are done having children way before the end of their fertile years because they have no idea who they are missing out on. I can't imagine my life without my daughter. She is such a joy. Every child is so unique and special. And they will become an adult someday who can love and serve others and continue bringing joy into the world. I know that there are a lot of factors that determine how many children we can have but I ask you to please pray about it and consider being more open to life at this time if you are married.

         The world can be a scary place and I know a lot of people are afraid to bring children into this world. However, the world can also be a beautiful place especially within our homes if we bring Christ into our homes. We can overcome evil with the love of Christ and that starts in our home. We can't control the world but we can have at least some control over what happens in our home. And imagine if you have a loving home with 4, 5, 6, 7 or more children who become loving adults. Imagine how much that would impact the world! Being able to bring a child into this world is an immense blessing and we need to focus on that more. Children are amazing. Children are our future. Let's pray for our society to become more open to children.

“Do not abandon yourselves to despair. We are the Easter people and hallelujah is our song.”

― Pope John Paul II

Whats for Dinner : Take 1

            I really enjoy cooking and I think we do a decent job at eating healthy on a budget so I have decided to share more about our meals and join Simcha’s link up. My favorite websites that help me with meal planning are www.saymmm.com (where I store all of my favorite recipes) and www.cookinglight.com (where I get most of my recipes from!) Here we go

Sunday: Root Vegetable Minestrone

We had vegetarian friends over for dinner so I made one of our favorite vegetarian recipes. It is a perfect fall recipe with both butternut squash and turnips. When I was cooking I realized that I did not have any vegetable broth so I decided to try making my own. I used all the scraps from the vegetables I was cooking, added some spices and salt and then boiled it away for about 45 minutes. It turned out alright but next time I think I will try adding some ginger for a nice kick. I also omitted the bacon obviously. We actually used the crockpot to make it ahead of my Theology of the Body study group which worked out for the most part except that my husband added the pasta too early and it got mushy. All of the adults like it but the kids mostly ate bread and fruit, oh well! I forgot to take pictures whoops!

Root Vegetable Minestrone

Monday: Chicken Tortilla Soup

This is one of my favorite recipes, I love this soup! On Saturday I used the crockpot to cook the chicken ahead of time which also gave me a lovely chicken stock, it was awesome to have that prepared already when I got home from work. I use the recipe below as a base and made some small alternations. I used more chili powder and added some paprika. I also sautéed two green bell peppers with the onion to add more veggies. At the end I also added a can of rinsed black beans and quite a few squirts of lime juice. I found after many different attempts at making the perfect tortilla soup that lime juice is much more flavorful than lemon juice.

Chicken Tortilla Soup

Tuesday: Whole Wheat Pizza with veggies and pepperoni

I had to work late on Tuesday so I planned ahead for my husband to make this before I got home. We get whole wheat pizza dough at Trader Joes (it’s awesome) and then my husband added some sautéed onions, olives, mushrooms , feta cheese and mozzarella on top of some jarred tomato sauce. He added the pepperoni which I was not a fan of and did not feed to Gianna. Gianna ate a whole small slice, she loved it!

Wednesday: Taco Casserole

This is a super easy casserole to whip together on a weeknight. Tim was working late and I was able to entertain Gianna while I made it. I used ground turkey instead of beef and white corn tortillas instead of the chips.

Taco Casserole

Thursday: Caprese Turkey Burgers on Homemade Focaccia

Earlier this week I found a recipe for slow-cooker focaccia and I decided to try it. It turned out pretty well and I would definitely recommend it. I made a simple turkey burger with bread crumbs, Italian seasoning, and an egg. It didn’t hold together super well but it worked. And then I added a pesto spread, fresh mozzarella and sliced tomato it was delicious!

Slow Cooker Focaccia

Friday: We're celebrating my youngest sisters birthday so I won't be cooking! 

I will take more pictures next week! 

Raising up the Village and ending the Mommy Wars

                When I was taking my Certified Lactation Educator course, the instructor talked about how one of the biggest challenges women face today is isolation. Historically people lived in villages and helped each other out. Women learned how to breastfeed from other women and there was always someone to help if a woman was having a hard time. Motherhood and breastfeeding were at the center of the culture and community. Now it is more common for people to live far away from family and without that village to help with raising children. Raising children is tough, especially the first time around. I think a lot of the “mommy wars” stem from everyone just trying to do the best they can but still not sure if they are really doing a good job. In order to suppress our insecurity we compare ourselves to others and convince ourselves that how we are raising our children is superior and it makes us feel better. It is really hard to not compare myself to other moms and when I catch myself doing it I stop and remind myself that we are all just doing the best we can with the situations we are in!  We need community, we need support. I hope that if we can focus on helping other moms deal with their challenges rather than comparing ourselves we will all feel better.

We live three hours from my parents and Tim’s parents are up in Washington. I really wish that we lived closer but for the time being we need to stay here. I have recently been blessed that both my sister and brother now live within twenty minutes of us and it has been really great! Even though we live far from family, God has provided us with an amazing community. I wasn’t planning on getting pregnant during the time where our financial situation would require me to continue working full-time. I didn’t want to put my baby in daycare. However, we didn’t have to put our daughter in daycare because God brought two amazing people into our lives. Before Tim and I were even married we met Ben and Ivyvy at a relationship skills seminar hosted by St. Brigid’s which was 30 minutes from where we lived. We broke into small groups and ended up meeting them and discovered that they went to the same parish as us! Over the next few years they became some of our closest friends and we discovered that they only lived five minutes away from us. When I was pregnant I knew that I wanted to ask Ben to be Gianna’s godfather. I would have asked Ivyvy to be the godmother but since she is technically still Anglican she could only be a Christian witness. After Gianna was born and we realized that I would have to go back to work they offered to help watch her for free! They work from home and are able to have a flexible schedule. It has been such a blessing and a help to us and Gianna truly loves going to their house and has formed a very sweet relationship with them. I just can’t believe how God has put them into our lives. Another great example of our community is that earlier this week I asked if anyone could help watch Gianna for a day next week and my sweet friend Rita is actually taking the day off from work to watch Gianna. I was just blown away by her kindness. We couldn’t raise Gianna without this extra support God has provided us with.

Another great source of support has been my parent’s frequent visits down to help us with Gianna. It has been really wonderful watching them interact with her and to see how much she loves them. When Tim got sick a few weeks after Gianna was born, my mom stayed with us and took over his part in helping me with her. I would not have been able to keep pumping without her help. I can definitely see how we weren’t designed to raise children on our own. Both their lives and the lives of others are enriched when they help us raise them.

I have been blessed to have many other young mom friends who have also been a great support during this time. In addition to that I also have the internet to connect me with many other moms. Reading other blogs and participating in facebook groups for moms has been so helpful. I no longer feel alone but supported and encouraged. I have received advice on a variety of topics from sleep issues, feeding questions and even how to start disciplining an older baby. I really hope that we can stop the mommy wars and just focus on how we can support other moms in this difficult stage of life. If you see another mom acting judgmental please realize that she is probably insecure in her mothering skills and try to encourage her and be gentle!  Let’s focus on helping each other rather than comparing ourselves. We all fall short, we all do things we thought we never would and it’s okay. Let’s be gentle on ourselves because motherhood is the toughest thing in the world! 

What motherhood looks like at eight months.

I spent the first few months of Gianna’s life wanting her to grow up and for things to get easier. Things did get easier and now I want time to slow down. It is amazing to watch her grow physically, emotionally and mentally right before my eyes. Every day she is maturing and learning new things. I watch her in awe. Not to mention she has literally grown at least 10 inches since birth. She is no longer my little baby and it’s sad. Tim does not experience her growing up in the same way that I do. I think it is definitely a mom thing because he is still looking forward to when she is older and can have a conversation with her. I do look forward to the future but I am mostly trying to stay in the present moment.

When I felt like I was drowning during the first few months I had many friends assure me that it would get easier. The challenges of motherhood don’t necessarily go away but you do get more confident in your ability to mother and handle the tough situations. I am so glad I had the support of other moms during that tough time and I know they will be there in the future when I need them. I hope that we can stop the mom wars and just support each other because motherhood is seriously tough. Gianna still wakes every few hours at night and I am pretty exhausted most of the time but I love her so much it is worth it. I still hold her and bounce her to sleep and I love it. We recently moved her into her own room which was hard but I was waking up with every little noise she made and I couldn’t handle that anymore. She is doing fine and I still wake up pretty easily once she starts crying. I was ready to let her grow up in that regard but I am not quite ready to teach her to fall asleep on her own. It is weird that I sometimes get frustrated by how much she needs me yet at the same time I love it and it makes me sad thinking about when we will no longer have those middle of the night cuddles.

Gianna is really starting to develop her personality and we love it. She is pretty outgoing and loves to be around people, especially other children. It was really great to watch her interact with her second cousins when we went to Washington a few weeks ago. She likes to reach out and touch other people and its super sweet. Often when other people are holding her she will study their face and reach out and touch them. Her sweet little blue eyes love to stare straight into other people’s eyes. When we visited my in-laws in Washington my heart overflowed with joy watching how much love she is surrounded by. Being able to bring another life into this world who can bring so much joy to so many people is an immense blessing. I still can’t fathom how this little human being grew inside me for nine months. God is so good.

At eight months Gianna is fully crawling and loves to explore everything. Her favorite things to attempt to grab are shoes, remotes, and cords. Of course everything she is not supposed to have. We take her away from the items and say “not for baby” and we hope eventually she will get it. We are pretty sure she understands because she sometimes looks back at us before she crawls towards something she is not supposed to touch. She is very talkative and loves when you talk to her in whisper tones. It is like she is saying “yes you speak my language”. She is generally a pretty happy baby but gets fussy when she is tired or is repeatedly not able to grab the things she wants. It is fun watching her learn to play especially when she plays peek a boo by lifting a blanket over her head. Another thing she enjoys is crawling over us when we lay on the floor.

Another fun development has been watching her learn to eat and feed herself. We started with purees around six months but I was also giving her soft finger foods to practice feeding herself. She barely got anything to her mouth but she enjoyed the challenge and it allowed us to eat dinner without her fussing. In the past few weeks she has really been doing great and we are giving her lots of different things to try. She can eat pasta, bread, pears, zucchini, cantaloupe, watermelon, spaghetti etc. A lot of food still ends up in her high chair but she is probably eating about 50% of it now. I love watching her enjoy eating her food and how much better she is at eating things now. I would definitely recommend starting finger foods early because at eight months she is already eating some of the same foods we eat for dinner and it’s awesome.

I am sorry if this seemed like bragging but I am just so amazed and excited about my daughter growing up and the adventures that parenthood brings. If you are feeling overwhelmed in those first few months of parenthood it definitely does get easier!

When breastfeeding didn't work out like like I had expected it would. Part Two.

Here is Part One

             I felt crushed when I saw the scale and realized my daughter had lost weight. Babies are supposed to stop losing weight by day 5 and definitely not after day ten of life. My daughter was losing weight at one month. We measured her feeding in the office and found that she only ate 1.3 oz and at that age she needed at least 2 oz per feed. The LC suggested we rent a scale and weigh her feeds for an entire week and offer pumped milk or formula to supplement if she was not eating 2 oz. At home I would offer both sides and try to keep her on long enough by massaging my breasts to keep the milk flowing. And she would average only 1.3 oz per feed. I would also get that much when I would pump. The only time she would get 2 oz was if she slept a bit longer and it was 3 or more hours in between feeding sessions. I was trying to supplement her at the breast to increase my supply but if anyone has had to use a supplemental nursing system with a nipple shield and a fussy/hungry baby it is not easy. Gianna would frequently pull on the tubing or rip off my nipple shield and I would have to set her down to fix it while she screamed. When Tim was home he would help me but most of the time we were alone and we were overwhelmed by the feeding challenges. After a week of trying my best to keep Gianna feeding at the breast and supplementing when necessary we returned to the LC. That is when I heard the words that would crush me. She said that since Gianna was nursing well now the only problem seemed to be that I had low milk supply. I had worked so hard to establish my milk supply the first month and again I felt like a failure. She asked me so many questions but we could not determine the cause of my low milk supply. It was determined that I would have to continue to supplement long term and I would try taking a medication for the off label use of increasing my milk supply. Tim and I weren’t completely comfortable with me taking medication that I did not need but I was desperate to be able to produce more milk. The medication did seem to help me produce closer to 2 oz per feeding but as Gianna got older and needed more milk we will had to supplement.

At some point I gave up on the supplemental nursing system because it was too stressful and feedings were taking too long. I regret this decision because Gianna started to develop a bottle preference and would refuse the breast. Around two months getting her to latch became incredibly difficult. She would pull off and cry and it would be so hard to get her to stay latched and feeding. I discovered that I could offer the bottle first then trick her into latching after she drank some formula. Unfortunately this only worked for a short period of time and after two months she would only latch during the night and I would have to pump during the day. Around this time she stopped taking long enough naps for me to pump and life got more challenging and stressful. I would spend a lot of time getting her down for a nap and then I would start pumping only to have her wake up halfway through my session. I would try to get her to be calm while I finished pumping but I usually couldn’t do that. Sometimes I would be able to fit in a manual pumping session but it became challenging to maintain pumping every two hours. At this point I was seriously considering returning to work full time so that I could at least be able to pump routinely and save my supply. My supply started to drop even more. By the time I returned to work at 4 months I was only pumping about 6 oz from four pumping sessions. I tried power pumping, I tried mother’s milk tea, lactation cookies, but nothing helped. With my supply decreasing it was harder and harder to get Gianna to latch in the evenings.

Another layer to my challenges was dealing with anxiety and insomnia. When Gianna started having trouble napping during the day, I started to get really stressed about her lack of sleep. I was also stressed because I no longer had any time to pump. Every time I would get her to sleep I would be so tense and worried that she would wake up I wouldn’t even want to move. This eventually spread to nighttime as well. A few weeks after returning to work Gianna began waking every two hours or less at night. I would be so tense and worried that she would wake up that I wouldn’t fall back asleep before she woke up again. I would go to sleep at eight so that I could get a few hours of sleep and then most days I would go to work having woke up at midnight and then not fall back asleep before getting up for the day. It then got the to the point that I was so anxious about not being able to sleep that I had a few nights where I literally never fell asleep. Those days I would call in sick and thankfully Gianna’s godparents were able to watch her so I could get a few hours of sleep at home. I went to my doctor desperate for something to help me sleep and she screened me for postpartum depression. Thankfully I did not seem to have full blown PPD but I did have signs of anxiety/mild depression. I started medication for that and she recommended I try melatonin. With the melatonin I was able to fall asleep in the beginning of the night again but the rest of the night I usually did not get much sleep. With the medication I was finally not feeling tense all of the time and started to enjoy motherhood more. Unfortunately during the weeks I was not sleeping much I was also not pumping during the night. When Gianna stopped nursing at night I was too exhausted and desperate for sleep I didn’t want to risk losing any more sleep to pump. And honestly I was so depressed over my low milk supply and going through the effort to pump only one oz or less became really difficult.

By 4.5 months I was only getting 8 oz or less in 24 hours and it just kept dropped. My electric pump wouldn’t get milk out so I had to use a manual pump and my wrists started hurting from it! And then it got to the point where I would only get milk out by hand expression. I would spend 15 minutes to get less than an oz. I was exhausted, overwhelmed and dealing with losing my milk supply was super depressing. I would cry every time I thought about it or people asked me. At the end of May I started talking to Tim about how I was ready to stop. It was a hard decision and I had my last pumping session a few days before Gianna turned five months. If she had still been latching I would have kept breastfeeding but I could not handle pumping and only getting less than an oz. I am sure there are some mothers who would have kept going and maybe even tried harder to increase their supply but I couldn’t at that time. I still feel like it was the best decision for me. After I stopped pumping I was able to grieve the loss of a breastfeeding relationship with my daughter and move on. I was able to enjoy my time with her more fully without having to stress about when I could pump. I stopped beating myself up about not breastfeeding. It would be hard to think about how I wanted to breastfeed her for two years and didn’t even make it to five months. I would have days where I still feel like a failure. However, now that it has been two months since that time I am mostly at peace. I did breastfeed my daughter. She did get quite a bit of my breast milk and benefited from it. And I still cherish that one week of exclusive breastfeeding we had in the beginning. I keep trying to figure out what I could have done differently and I hope that breastfeeding will be different with my next child but I am at peace. Breastfeeding is complex and it is challenging. I hope that the next time you see a mother feeding her child formula that you refrain from judging her. I love my daughter so much and the fact that I do not breastfeed her anymore does not change a thing. I have learned so much from my breastfeeding journey and I hope that it can help other mothers. I have already been able to relate better to and support other mothers struggling with breastfeeding and that has been a huge blessing to me!