My Grocery Game-Plan

    I love delicious food. I also love making it healthy and budget friendly. About a year ago my friend introduced me to the idea of reverse meal planning. Basically, you shop clearance at stores and then meal plan based on what you get. I was really bad at this but now I am much more creative with my meal planning and we end up wasting less food. You can learn about this approach by reading this blog https://sixonabudget.com/we-went-from-1500-per-month-on-groceries-to-233/ .

I have learned where I can get the best deals on certain foods so I will go to anywhere from 2-4 stores a week (it has become a strange hobby for me!) I wanted to share what I have learned now that I have it down to a system.

Ralphs (Or other Kroger stores) has the best clearance selection of all the grocery chains I have explored. I will check the produce section first for packaged cut up butternut squash, (for butternut squash mac n cheese) mushrooms, (to add to my ground meat) salad kits and then the bagged produce they sell for 99 cents. Their pantry clearance section is hit or miss[RB1]  but I have found great deals on healthy-ish snacks for kids, sparkling water, cereal and even wine! Then I will check the meat clearance section where I occasionally buy stew beef or steaks (Gianna’s favorite). Next is the deli section where I scrounge for deli meat but usually end up skipping this section (unless they have good quality hot dogs or kielbasa). They almost always have clearance rolls, bagels, cakes, donuts cookies etc. but I will just stick with bread or bagels for a treat. Lastly, I check for clearance organic milk (otherwise I just buy regular) as well as yogurt/cottage cheese on clearance. It is exciting to see what is on clearance, but you have to have self-control, or you could end up spending a lot of stuff you don’t really need.

                Grocery Outlet- I mainly go to for Lara bars (they are only 37 cents each and the flavors vary) and random snacks that are 99 cents. I will occasionally buy canned goods if they are cheaper than Aldi prices. They also sell the Costco size veggie straws for $3.99. They also have an awesome healthy food/organic section. I have found Lakanto monkfruit sweetner for $5.99 a GIANT tub of refined coconut oil for 9.99 as well as coconut MCT oil for $9.99. This has helped me follow the trim healthy mama plan without spending tons of money 😊

El Super is an amazing Mexican supermarket that opened near us!!! We get fresh corn tortillas that are cheap as well as most of our produce from there. They have insane deals on produce (3-4 lbs oranges for a dollar, 2 lbs zucchini for a dollar) and the quality is pretty good as well. This is great for us because we eat A LOT of produce!

After going to 2-3 of these stores, I go home and meal plan based on what I have at home and what I already have . I tend to stock up on ground turkey when it is around 2 dollars a lb and then chicken when it is closer to a dollar a lb so those are usually my proteins. Everything else that is needed I get from Aldi.

Aldi has the best deals for most things except produce. Almost every week I buy whole wheat bread, romaine lettuce hearts, cherry tomatoes and canned goods. I recently started buying dried beans and cooking them in the instant pot to save even more money. Aldi has great deals on dairy, lunch meat, eggs (under a dollar per dozen), frozen cauliflower rice and frozen fruit. Aldi is rapidly expanding so check out if there is one near you- you won’t regret it!

           I am blessed to live in a town that has all these stores within a ten-minute drive which makes this feasible while working part-time and raising toddlers. My kids come with me most of the time but occasionally I get to go shopping by myself and it feels luxurious :P If you don’t have these stores then I suggest you do some research/ ask around to find where the best deals are. We end up spending around 600 a month on groceries, diapers and eating out. I could definitely trim it down quite a bit but I buy certain staples even if they aren't on sale and we like occasional treats. In my next post I will focus more on what kind of meals we make and what some of our go-to quick recipes are 😊

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 [RB1]

Giovanni Paul is One!

                  Our second child has been such a huge blessing to our family. I wasn't sure how I would handle two kids under two, but Giovanni has been such a sweet baby and it has been easier than I expected it to be. That doesn't mean it has been easy all the time. Breastfeeding has been much easier than it was with Gianna and that has made feeding him easier. However, from birth to 13 months he pretty much woke every 1-3 hours at night and it was rough. Tim tried to help as much as he could, but Giovanni usually wanted me because I was the one who could feed him. Co-sleeping didn't really work most of the time but at least I could nurse him while lying in bed rather than having to get up to make him a bottle and sit in a rocking chair to feed him etc. Most people can't understand how I was able to survive that long with such broken sleep and honestly, I am not sure how I did it. I will say that prayer, family support and Giovanni's sweet temperament were crucial to my survival and well-being. I honestly felt like I was running on God's grace most days and it helped knowing so many people were praying for me. Another helpful thing was that Giovanni typically did not fight sleep like Gianna had. He would nurse back to sleep easily although he would occasionally wake up when I tried to transfer him back into his crib. Every morning he would give me the biggest smile and that helped me to get through the rough nights. He is seriously one of the most loving and sweet babies I have ever met. I think it helps that he has a very loving and caring big sister, but it seems to really be his personality. He seems to have a bit of St. John Paul II's love for humanity because he is always reaching out to strangers and smiling at them. Now that he can walk he loves to interact with people sitting next to us in Church and will often walk up to them and hold their hand. This week I had both kids with me while grocery shopping and I turned around to get something off the shelf and when I turned back to my cart I found Giovanni had reached out to a woman walking next to our cart and was holding her hand. He is seriously such a loving little boy and brings smiles to everyone he meets. I am beyond blessed to be his mother and watch him share his love with the world. It has been an exhausting year for both Tim and I, but we love Giovanni so much that it makes all the sacrificed sleep worth it.

                For the most part I have loved having two kids even though it can be challenging at times. Especially now that I have two toddlers it can be very stressful dealing with double the tantrums but there have also been a lot of benefits as well. Gianna is a very attentive sister and can help Giovanni calm down at times and since he was born she has been excellent at finding pacifiers for him. It is seriously awesome to ask her to go upstairs to find his pacifier or bottle etc and she will run upstairs and return with what I asked for. She is such an amazing sister and mom to her baby dolls. She spends a lot of time putting her babies to sleep or breastfeeding them and it is super adorable. Having Gianna as my firstborn has made the transition to two easier. I have had a lot of days when I feel like I can't handle it anymore but thankfully God blessed me with a sweet husband and two sweet children to give me the strength I need. I end every day exhausted and emotionally worn down from handling the constant demands from both kids, but I am also extremely thankful for them and happy. Motherhood is basically an emotional rollercoaster every single day. I have so much respect and compassion for all the mothers out there because it is really tough!

                At 14 months Giovanni is still a big cuddle bug and we love it. He prefers to snuggle with me most of the time, but he will pretty much let any family member or close friend hold him and he will snuggle with them, it is very sweet. He has a special bond with both of his grandfathers. We spent a few weeks in Washington last Christmas when he was only two months old. I remember when Tim’s Dad would come home from work he would sit with Giovanni on the couch and Giovanni would laugh at him. That was the first time he started social laughing and it was so cute. Since my parents live close he gets to spend more time with my Dad and when he sees my Dad he lifts his arms to tell my Dad to pick him up. When my parents watch the kids, Giovanni will refuse to go to sleep for my Mom because he wants my Dad to put him to sleep, it is very sweet. Aside from being a sweet cuddle bug, Giovanni keeps us on our toes by climbing everything. If we do not keep our dining room table chairs pushed in, he will climb them and climb on top of the table! He will climb pretty much anything. It is stressful, but I guess that is how life with boys will be. Another favorite activity of his is eating. He can be picky with some foods but when he loves something he will tilt his head back with delight and smile and occasionally he even holds the food up and sings. We love watching him enjoy his meals. He also still loves to nurse which has been a special bond for us. Now that he is older I usually just nurse him at home which is easier because he is quite the active nurser. Overall, he has a huge personality and we love our Giovanni Paul so much! I am looking forward to watching him continue to grow and develop over the years!

And then there were two kids!

         I can't believe it has been more than a year since my last blog post. I can explain! Ironically as I wrote my last post on my reflections on the first year of motherhood, I was already one week pregnant with baby # 2. I am so glad I already trusted that God would give me strength to endure any challenges prior to that pregnancy because being pregnant while chasing a toddler and working four days a week was no cake walk. My second pregnancy was easier in that I had slightly less nausea and less fatigue thankfully. I had new challenges in that I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes at 28 weeks. Thankfully my job as a Degreed Nutritionsit allowed me to understand and implement a diet that controlled my blood sugar and I did not require medication or special monitoring for my baby. At 34 weeks I was driving to work and noticed I had 3 contractions in 15 minutes. They never stopped. I was put on bed rest and tried to take it easy until 36-37 weeks but little Giovanni Paul Barbeau stayed in until 38 wks 6 days just like his sister! I couldn't even coax him out while his grandparents were visiting from Washington. Overall my second pregnancy was easier because I had Gianna to remind me how worth it everything was going to be. And I was so excited to see how she would be as a big sister!

          The day before Giovanni was finally born I came to the conclusion that the reason my labor was starting and stopping was that he was not in the correct position and couldn't descend further. Luckily I had copied directions for the "Adominal lift and tuck" from Hypnobabies which is a technique for getting baby to rotate when you are experiencing back labor from a baby facing the wrong direction. Tim and I had been sent home from triage early Friday morning because I was not progressing. I was so tired of having painful contractions that weren't making and progress! So after we got a few hours of sleep and ate breakfast I told him that he was either going to help me try to rotate baby or I was going to a chiropractor! Well we started around 930 and did the technique during contractions (it is kind of like the Heimlich!), It was extremely uncomfortable but I could tell it was working. They recommend trying 10 contractions but it only took about 8 before I felt the pressure shift and we were in active labor! After that my contractions were 2-3 minutes apart and I was screaming at Tim so we knew this was really time to head to the hospital. I survived the 30 minute drive to the hospital which I had been afraid of, it definitely wasn't easy though. I kept telling myself "I can do this, I don't have a choice!" and by the time I got checked out in triage and was 6.5-7 cm I was all about the epidural. I think I finally got into my room and had the epidural placed around 1:30. I remember texting Melissa, who would be his godmother at 3 pm that they were just waiting for me to dilate fully and I would probably push in 1-2 hours. Well Giovanni was born 7 minutes later. Hearing the time he was born and then seeing what time I had texted her, I couldn't believe it. Basically right after the text was send the Doctor came in to see how I was feeling and decided to check me super fast. Well he saw Giovanni's head called everyone into the room and I think I pushed 3 times and he was born! So much easier than my 2 hours of pushing Gianna out. And my recovery was way easier as a result as well.

          Giovanni came out looking like a grumpy old man and he was hungry! Within 15 minutes of being born he was sucking on his thumb and ready to nurse. Thankfully he latched well and ate for forty minutes and then ate every hour for the first 24 hours of his life. That was definitely a heads up to me that he was going to be a frequent nurser. Six months later he is still nursing every 2 hours mostly around the clock ! I am so grateful that I am able to nurse him and provide the milk he needs to grow. I plan to write more in a future post to encourage other moms who had difficulty nursing their first baby!

         Fast forward six months and I LOVE having two kids! Aside from pretty much never getting enough sleep to function (which is now 5 hours for me) it is going really well and I am happier than ever. I still have my dark days when I am up with him every hour and super exhausted but overall I find so much joy in watching my children grow and develop their sibling relationship. It does not surprise me that Gianna loves her brother so much and tries to take care of him but I have been surprised that Giovanni has been so interested in her since the beginning. He has been laughing at her since he was two months old! Gianna is legitimately good at helping me with him. She will tell me when he is crawling towards something he isn't supposed to have and she is good at entertaining him while I try to cook. Having two kids is definitely easier than just having Gianna and it is such a wonderful blessing. I will say having them closer together helps because Gianna still naps around 3 hours so it guarantees that I at least get to lay down with Giovanni. I also only went back to work two days a week so that has made things easier as well. I plan to share more in the future but I want to encourage anyone contemplating having a second child that it is definitely easier than your first!

Reflections on my first year of motherhood.

          I want to start off by saying that every sacrifice and challenge has been worth it. There have certainly been times that I wasn't sure of that but now when I look at my joy filled daughter and she smiles at me I know that I wouldn't change anything. I hope this can be encouraging to those in the throws of motherhood, especially adjusting to life with a newborn. Raising a baby and then raising a child is the hardest thing we will ever do. It is so challenging because we are not completely in control. Sometimes it does not matter how "good" of a parent we are, our child is independent and will still choose to defy us or completely go against everything we have worked for. Even though my daughter is only one it is so hard for me to handle when she looks at me and still does something I ask her not to do. And I know that this is just the beginning in a long life of lessons and growth for me. I am learning and growing in patience, love, self-sacrifice and so much more.

       Over the past year I have learned that I am so much stronger than I ever thought I was. More importantly, I have learned that God will never give me more than I can handle and that I am never alone. Sleep deprivation has certainly lead to some very dark days but then I think about how lucky I am to have my healthy daughter and I try to pray a prayer of thanksgiving and offer my small sufferings for those who are having difficulty conceiving. And there are some days that I am still grumpy and I take it out on my husband because I am not perfect but God is certainly working on my heart! I am also learning to not take things personally when my daughter does something she is not supposed to but it is so hard for me. She has been throwing her food/ sippy cup off her highchair and it really drives me crazy. I keep having to remind myself that she is learning what is acceptable and not acceptable behavior and that it is a normal part of development but it sure is challenging me!

       On the really challenging days, mostly when I am sleep deprived, I seriously doubt that I am cut out for motherhood. Who else has been there? I am willing to bet that a lot of moms feel that way because it is seriously tough. And I think there may be someone who wants to convince us that we can't handle it so that we close our hearts to more kids and he wins. The good news is that I am not alone, Tim balances out a lot of my short-comings and helps me to grow. Furthermore, God is helping me to become the mother that Gianna needs and I pray that the Holy Spirit helps me grow every day. And we have a community of love surrounding us! There are so many people who have helped to raise Gianna and she has benefited so much from it. And guess what? At the end of the day Gianna does not need a perfect mother, she only needs me. She needs me to love her. She needs me to love her father and God and then everything else will work itself out. As I write this I am reminding myself to focus on this and not get caught up in all the various parenting techniques there are out there. Love is the most important thing we can give to our children and the best lessons we can teach.

       Another important lesson is that motherhood is ENOUGH. A few nights ago I was talking with Tim about how I really want to get involved with a ministry. He cautioned me that I should not get involved with something that will take up a lot of time because my primary vocation is our family. I told him that I used to be super involved in college and that it's really weird to not be involved in a ministry right now. He told me that raising our child is the most important ministry that I can be involved with right now. Although there may not be much glory in it, he is right. I am not trying to downplay being involved in ministries because they are important but the family is the domestic church and where we learn to love. Since I work four days a week and Tim is currently taking an evening class it would be selfish for me to sacrifice time from our family to get involved in other ministries. For now I will focus on our family and in the future when Gianna is older I will start to bring her with me and teach her how to serve others and the Church. Parents please remember that your primary vocation is to love your spouse and your children and make sure that your other commitments are not taking away from that!

      Lastly I just want to share how amazing it has been to watch Gianna grow over the past year. I still get emotional when I think about how amazing it is that God allowed Tim and I to participate in creation with Him. And then she grew inside my body for nine months! In only a year she has grown to be half my height (even though I am short it's still quite the accomplishment). And she has grown into her own person with a huge personality. She absolutely loves people. She loves to talk to other people and babbles all day long. She loves music and starts to move her head side to side whenever she hears it and will often start to sing. She has recently started to have pretend tea parties and it is the most adorable thing ever. I love her so much and I live in constant awe of the fact that she is my daughter. I am looking forward to watching her grow over the years and I pray that we both have many years left on earth together!

What is the best answer to a world filled with violence and fear?

         Babies. This is not a pregnancy announcement but something I have really been pondering lately. I think we are all aware that there is a lot of scary things happening in our country and around the world. I will admit that I have been really worried and afraid some days. And then we had a bible study with some of our friends to go over the Sunday readings. It was the readings for the feast of Christ the King and the Gospel talked about how Jesus is the alpha and the omega. Jesus has always been. Along with that God has always had a plan for the world. He gives us free world but he also knows what will choose to do with it. God already knows all of the bad things that will happen in this world and he also knows how he will save the world. In a way he already has saved the world through Jesus, but at the end of time he will be victorious and if we choose to follow him we will enter into eternal communion with him and there will be no more violence, fears, or tears. God has everything under control .Should I say that again? GOD HAS EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL. In other words we need to stop worrying about the future. It is difficult not to worry but this is where our faith in God can grow. We still need to pray for the grace to be able to trust God completely but we really need to stop worrying because it does not help us at all.

        Okay so what does that have to do with babies? When I have been reading about all of the violence in the world, I think about how much hate people are filled with and how much love they need. And then I see my daughter yelling at strangers trying to say hi to them and babbling away. She brings love and joy to strangers who may not have anyone in their life to smile at them. She brings the joy of God to others. I have become very convinced that the best way I can fight against the evil in this world is to raise my children to love others. If you have met my daughter you will see how her joy is contagious. I love it. She has no problem crawling up to people and smiling and laughing with them. And when I think about her growing up I know that she will make the world a better place in her own small way. Every child we bring into this world will impact the world in some way and we hope that it will be a positive way. It makes me so sad when people decide that they are done having children way before the end of their fertile years because they have no idea who they are missing out on. I can't imagine my life without my daughter. She is such a joy. Every child is so unique and special. And they will become an adult someday who can love and serve others and continue bringing joy into the world. I know that there are a lot of factors that determine how many children we can have but I ask you to please pray about it and consider being more open to life at this time if you are married.

         The world can be a scary place and I know a lot of people are afraid to bring children into this world. However, the world can also be a beautiful place especially within our homes if we bring Christ into our homes. We can overcome evil with the love of Christ and that starts in our home. We can't control the world but we can have at least some control over what happens in our home. And imagine if you have a loving home with 4, 5, 6, 7 or more children who become loving adults. Imagine how much that would impact the world! Being able to bring a child into this world is an immense blessing and we need to focus on that more. Children are amazing. Children are our future. Let's pray for our society to become more open to children.

“Do not abandon yourselves to despair. We are the Easter people and hallelujah is our song.”

― Pope John Paul II

Whats for Dinner : Take 1

            I really enjoy cooking and I think we do a decent job at eating healthy on a budget so I have decided to share more about our meals and join Simcha’s link up. My favorite websites that help me with meal planning are www.saymmm.com (where I store all of my favorite recipes) and www.cookinglight.com (where I get most of my recipes from!) Here we go

Sunday: Root Vegetable Minestrone

We had vegetarian friends over for dinner so I made one of our favorite vegetarian recipes. It is a perfect fall recipe with both butternut squash and turnips. When I was cooking I realized that I did not have any vegetable broth so I decided to try making my own. I used all the scraps from the vegetables I was cooking, added some spices and salt and then boiled it away for about 45 minutes. It turned out alright but next time I think I will try adding some ginger for a nice kick. I also omitted the bacon obviously. We actually used the crockpot to make it ahead of my Theology of the Body study group which worked out for the most part except that my husband added the pasta too early and it got mushy. All of the adults like it but the kids mostly ate bread and fruit, oh well! I forgot to take pictures whoops!

Root Vegetable Minestrone

Monday: Chicken Tortilla Soup

This is one of my favorite recipes, I love this soup! On Saturday I used the crockpot to cook the chicken ahead of time which also gave me a lovely chicken stock, it was awesome to have that prepared already when I got home from work. I use the recipe below as a base and made some small alternations. I used more chili powder and added some paprika. I also sautéed two green bell peppers with the onion to add more veggies. At the end I also added a can of rinsed black beans and quite a few squirts of lime juice. I found after many different attempts at making the perfect tortilla soup that lime juice is much more flavorful than lemon juice.

Chicken Tortilla Soup

Tuesday: Whole Wheat Pizza with veggies and pepperoni

I had to work late on Tuesday so I planned ahead for my husband to make this before I got home. We get whole wheat pizza dough at Trader Joes (it’s awesome) and then my husband added some sautéed onions, olives, mushrooms , feta cheese and mozzarella on top of some jarred tomato sauce. He added the pepperoni which I was not a fan of and did not feed to Gianna. Gianna ate a whole small slice, she loved it!

Wednesday: Taco Casserole

This is a super easy casserole to whip together on a weeknight. Tim was working late and I was able to entertain Gianna while I made it. I used ground turkey instead of beef and white corn tortillas instead of the chips.

Taco Casserole

Thursday: Caprese Turkey Burgers on Homemade Focaccia

Earlier this week I found a recipe for slow-cooker focaccia and I decided to try it. It turned out pretty well and I would definitely recommend it. I made a simple turkey burger with bread crumbs, Italian seasoning, and an egg. It didn’t hold together super well but it worked. And then I added a pesto spread, fresh mozzarella and sliced tomato it was delicious!

Slow Cooker Focaccia

Friday: We're celebrating my youngest sisters birthday so I won't be cooking! 

I will take more pictures next week! 

Raising up the Village and ending the Mommy Wars

                When I was taking my Certified Lactation Educator course, the instructor talked about how one of the biggest challenges women face today is isolation. Historically people lived in villages and helped each other out. Women learned how to breastfeed from other women and there was always someone to help if a woman was having a hard time. Motherhood and breastfeeding were at the center of the culture and community. Now it is more common for people to live far away from family and without that village to help with raising children. Raising children is tough, especially the first time around. I think a lot of the “mommy wars” stem from everyone just trying to do the best they can but still not sure if they are really doing a good job. In order to suppress our insecurity we compare ourselves to others and convince ourselves that how we are raising our children is superior and it makes us feel better. It is really hard to not compare myself to other moms and when I catch myself doing it I stop and remind myself that we are all just doing the best we can with the situations we are in!  We need community, we need support. I hope that if we can focus on helping other moms deal with their challenges rather than comparing ourselves we will all feel better.

We live three hours from my parents and Tim’s parents are up in Washington. I really wish that we lived closer but for the time being we need to stay here. I have recently been blessed that both my sister and brother now live within twenty minutes of us and it has been really great! Even though we live far from family, God has provided us with an amazing community. I wasn’t planning on getting pregnant during the time where our financial situation would require me to continue working full-time. I didn’t want to put my baby in daycare. However, we didn’t have to put our daughter in daycare because God brought two amazing people into our lives. Before Tim and I were even married we met Ben and Ivyvy at a relationship skills seminar hosted by St. Brigid’s which was 30 minutes from where we lived. We broke into small groups and ended up meeting them and discovered that they went to the same parish as us! Over the next few years they became some of our closest friends and we discovered that they only lived five minutes away from us. When I was pregnant I knew that I wanted to ask Ben to be Gianna’s godfather. I would have asked Ivyvy to be the godmother but since she is technically still Anglican she could only be a Christian witness. After Gianna was born and we realized that I would have to go back to work they offered to help watch her for free! They work from home and are able to have a flexible schedule. It has been such a blessing and a help to us and Gianna truly loves going to their house and has formed a very sweet relationship with them. I just can’t believe how God has put them into our lives. Another great example of our community is that earlier this week I asked if anyone could help watch Gianna for a day next week and my sweet friend Rita is actually taking the day off from work to watch Gianna. I was just blown away by her kindness. We couldn’t raise Gianna without this extra support God has provided us with.

Another great source of support has been my parent’s frequent visits down to help us with Gianna. It has been really wonderful watching them interact with her and to see how much she loves them. When Tim got sick a few weeks after Gianna was born, my mom stayed with us and took over his part in helping me with her. I would not have been able to keep pumping without her help. I can definitely see how we weren’t designed to raise children on our own. Both their lives and the lives of others are enriched when they help us raise them.

I have been blessed to have many other young mom friends who have also been a great support during this time. In addition to that I also have the internet to connect me with many other moms. Reading other blogs and participating in facebook groups for moms has been so helpful. I no longer feel alone but supported and encouraged. I have received advice on a variety of topics from sleep issues, feeding questions and even how to start disciplining an older baby. I really hope that we can stop the mommy wars and just focus on how we can support other moms in this difficult stage of life. If you see another mom acting judgmental please realize that she is probably insecure in her mothering skills and try to encourage her and be gentle!  Let’s focus on helping each other rather than comparing ourselves. We all fall short, we all do things we thought we never would and it’s okay. Let’s be gentle on ourselves because motherhood is the toughest thing in the world! 

What motherhood looks like at eight months.

I spent the first few months of Gianna’s life wanting her to grow up and for things to get easier. Things did get easier and now I want time to slow down. It is amazing to watch her grow physically, emotionally and mentally right before my eyes. Every day she is maturing and learning new things. I watch her in awe. Not to mention she has literally grown at least 10 inches since birth. She is no longer my little baby and it’s sad. Tim does not experience her growing up in the same way that I do. I think it is definitely a mom thing because he is still looking forward to when she is older and can have a conversation with her. I do look forward to the future but I am mostly trying to stay in the present moment.

When I felt like I was drowning during the first few months I had many friends assure me that it would get easier. The challenges of motherhood don’t necessarily go away but you do get more confident in your ability to mother and handle the tough situations. I am so glad I had the support of other moms during that tough time and I know they will be there in the future when I need them. I hope that we can stop the mom wars and just support each other because motherhood is seriously tough. Gianna still wakes every few hours at night and I am pretty exhausted most of the time but I love her so much it is worth it. I still hold her and bounce her to sleep and I love it. We recently moved her into her own room which was hard but I was waking up with every little noise she made and I couldn’t handle that anymore. She is doing fine and I still wake up pretty easily once she starts crying. I was ready to let her grow up in that regard but I am not quite ready to teach her to fall asleep on her own. It is weird that I sometimes get frustrated by how much she needs me yet at the same time I love it and it makes me sad thinking about when we will no longer have those middle of the night cuddles.

Gianna is really starting to develop her personality and we love it. She is pretty outgoing and loves to be around people, especially other children. It was really great to watch her interact with her second cousins when we went to Washington a few weeks ago. She likes to reach out and touch other people and its super sweet. Often when other people are holding her she will study their face and reach out and touch them. Her sweet little blue eyes love to stare straight into other people’s eyes. When we visited my in-laws in Washington my heart overflowed with joy watching how much love she is surrounded by. Being able to bring another life into this world who can bring so much joy to so many people is an immense blessing. I still can’t fathom how this little human being grew inside me for nine months. God is so good.

At eight months Gianna is fully crawling and loves to explore everything. Her favorite things to attempt to grab are shoes, remotes, and cords. Of course everything she is not supposed to have. We take her away from the items and say “not for baby” and we hope eventually she will get it. We are pretty sure she understands because she sometimes looks back at us before she crawls towards something she is not supposed to touch. She is very talkative and loves when you talk to her in whisper tones. It is like she is saying “yes you speak my language”. She is generally a pretty happy baby but gets fussy when she is tired or is repeatedly not able to grab the things she wants. It is fun watching her learn to play especially when she plays peek a boo by lifting a blanket over her head. Another thing she enjoys is crawling over us when we lay on the floor.

Another fun development has been watching her learn to eat and feed herself. We started with purees around six months but I was also giving her soft finger foods to practice feeding herself. She barely got anything to her mouth but she enjoyed the challenge and it allowed us to eat dinner without her fussing. In the past few weeks she has really been doing great and we are giving her lots of different things to try. She can eat pasta, bread, pears, zucchini, cantaloupe, watermelon, spaghetti etc. A lot of food still ends up in her high chair but she is probably eating about 50% of it now. I love watching her enjoy eating her food and how much better she is at eating things now. I would definitely recommend starting finger foods early because at eight months she is already eating some of the same foods we eat for dinner and it’s awesome.

I am sorry if this seemed like bragging but I am just so amazed and excited about my daughter growing up and the adventures that parenthood brings. If you are feeling overwhelmed in those first few months of parenthood it definitely does get easier!

When breastfeeding didn't work out like like I had expected it would. Part Two.

Here is Part One

             I felt crushed when I saw the scale and realized my daughter had lost weight. Babies are supposed to stop losing weight by day 5 and definitely not after day ten of life. My daughter was losing weight at one month. We measured her feeding in the office and found that she only ate 1.3 oz and at that age she needed at least 2 oz per feed. The LC suggested we rent a scale and weigh her feeds for an entire week and offer pumped milk or formula to supplement if she was not eating 2 oz. At home I would offer both sides and try to keep her on long enough by massaging my breasts to keep the milk flowing. And she would average only 1.3 oz per feed. I would also get that much when I would pump. The only time she would get 2 oz was if she slept a bit longer and it was 3 or more hours in between feeding sessions. I was trying to supplement her at the breast to increase my supply but if anyone has had to use a supplemental nursing system with a nipple shield and a fussy/hungry baby it is not easy. Gianna would frequently pull on the tubing or rip off my nipple shield and I would have to set her down to fix it while she screamed. When Tim was home he would help me but most of the time we were alone and we were overwhelmed by the feeding challenges. After a week of trying my best to keep Gianna feeding at the breast and supplementing when necessary we returned to the LC. That is when I heard the words that would crush me. She said that since Gianna was nursing well now the only problem seemed to be that I had low milk supply. I had worked so hard to establish my milk supply the first month and again I felt like a failure. She asked me so many questions but we could not determine the cause of my low milk supply. It was determined that I would have to continue to supplement long term and I would try taking a medication for the off label use of increasing my milk supply. Tim and I weren’t completely comfortable with me taking medication that I did not need but I was desperate to be able to produce more milk. The medication did seem to help me produce closer to 2 oz per feeding but as Gianna got older and needed more milk we will had to supplement.

At some point I gave up on the supplemental nursing system because it was too stressful and feedings were taking too long. I regret this decision because Gianna started to develop a bottle preference and would refuse the breast. Around two months getting her to latch became incredibly difficult. She would pull off and cry and it would be so hard to get her to stay latched and feeding. I discovered that I could offer the bottle first then trick her into latching after she drank some formula. Unfortunately this only worked for a short period of time and after two months she would only latch during the night and I would have to pump during the day. Around this time she stopped taking long enough naps for me to pump and life got more challenging and stressful. I would spend a lot of time getting her down for a nap and then I would start pumping only to have her wake up halfway through my session. I would try to get her to be calm while I finished pumping but I usually couldn’t do that. Sometimes I would be able to fit in a manual pumping session but it became challenging to maintain pumping every two hours. At this point I was seriously considering returning to work full time so that I could at least be able to pump routinely and save my supply. My supply started to drop even more. By the time I returned to work at 4 months I was only pumping about 6 oz from four pumping sessions. I tried power pumping, I tried mother’s milk tea, lactation cookies, but nothing helped. With my supply decreasing it was harder and harder to get Gianna to latch in the evenings.

Another layer to my challenges was dealing with anxiety and insomnia. When Gianna started having trouble napping during the day, I started to get really stressed about her lack of sleep. I was also stressed because I no longer had any time to pump. Every time I would get her to sleep I would be so tense and worried that she would wake up I wouldn’t even want to move. This eventually spread to nighttime as well. A few weeks after returning to work Gianna began waking every two hours or less at night. I would be so tense and worried that she would wake up that I wouldn’t fall back asleep before she woke up again. I would go to sleep at eight so that I could get a few hours of sleep and then most days I would go to work having woke up at midnight and then not fall back asleep before getting up for the day. It then got the to the point that I was so anxious about not being able to sleep that I had a few nights where I literally never fell asleep. Those days I would call in sick and thankfully Gianna’s godparents were able to watch her so I could get a few hours of sleep at home. I went to my doctor desperate for something to help me sleep and she screened me for postpartum depression. Thankfully I did not seem to have full blown PPD but I did have signs of anxiety/mild depression. I started medication for that and she recommended I try melatonin. With the melatonin I was able to fall asleep in the beginning of the night again but the rest of the night I usually did not get much sleep. With the medication I was finally not feeling tense all of the time and started to enjoy motherhood more. Unfortunately during the weeks I was not sleeping much I was also not pumping during the night. When Gianna stopped nursing at night I was too exhausted and desperate for sleep I didn’t want to risk losing any more sleep to pump. And honestly I was so depressed over my low milk supply and going through the effort to pump only one oz or less became really difficult.

By 4.5 months I was only getting 8 oz or less in 24 hours and it just kept dropped. My electric pump wouldn’t get milk out so I had to use a manual pump and my wrists started hurting from it! And then it got to the point where I would only get milk out by hand expression. I would spend 15 minutes to get less than an oz. I was exhausted, overwhelmed and dealing with losing my milk supply was super depressing. I would cry every time I thought about it or people asked me. At the end of May I started talking to Tim about how I was ready to stop. It was a hard decision and I had my last pumping session a few days before Gianna turned five months. If she had still been latching I would have kept breastfeeding but I could not handle pumping and only getting less than an oz. I am sure there are some mothers who would have kept going and maybe even tried harder to increase their supply but I couldn’t at that time. I still feel like it was the best decision for me. After I stopped pumping I was able to grieve the loss of a breastfeeding relationship with my daughter and move on. I was able to enjoy my time with her more fully without having to stress about when I could pump. I stopped beating myself up about not breastfeeding. It would be hard to think about how I wanted to breastfeed her for two years and didn’t even make it to five months. I would have days where I still feel like a failure. However, now that it has been two months since that time I am mostly at peace. I did breastfeed my daughter. She did get quite a bit of my breast milk and benefited from it. And I still cherish that one week of exclusive breastfeeding we had in the beginning. I keep trying to figure out what I could have done differently and I hope that breastfeeding will be different with my next child but I am at peace. Breastfeeding is complex and it is challenging. I hope that the next time you see a mother feeding her child formula that you refrain from judging her. I love my daughter so much and the fact that I do not breastfeed her anymore does not change a thing. I have learned so much from my breastfeeding journey and I hope that it can help other mothers. I have already been able to relate better to and support other mothers struggling with breastfeeding and that has been a huge blessing to me! 

When breastfeeding didn't work out like I had expected it would. Part One

I am a Certified Lactation Educator. I work for the WIC Program. Every day I teach women how to breastfeed and help them through breastfeeding challenges. I thought breastfeeding was simple as long as you knew what to do and that babies are born knowing how to breastfeed. I judged women who “gave up” on breastfeeding. I thought formula was awful. Everything changed when my daughter was born and they placed her on my chest and when we tried to get her to latch she just bobbed her head and cried not knowing what to do.

            At WIC we stress the importance of the “Golden Hour” after delivery where the baby should be placed skin to skin and allowed to initiated the first breastfeed. After my long delivery I was looking forward to that special moment. I tried to help her follow her instincts and find the breast. She was in a good position but just kept bobbing her head and she would not latch. Nothing I did would get her to latch. No one was helping me. Once we got settled in my recovery room I kept trying. The white board where we were supposed to keep track of how long she fed just read attempted feeding and how long we would try to get her to feed. My first nurse told me I had short nipples and that was the problem. My nipples looked fine to me….why wouldn’t my daughter latch? I am trying to help her but nothing is working! Occasionally we would get her to latch a tiny bit and suck but nothing that would count as an actual feed. I was getting desperate to be able to feed my daughter. Why was this so hard? I asked for a Lactation Consultant to come to our room and was told that they don’t come in the first 24 hours because moms and babies usually just need some practice. Are you kidding me? I need to latch my baby NOW! After 12 hours of not being successful the nurse suggested I start pumping. So I pumped the small amount of colostrum and we used a syringe with a tube to finger feed it to her. It was amazing how alert she would get after we fed her and sometimes that would help her have the energy to try to latch.

            The first night was rough. Poor Gianna would scream and scream and we had a hard time calming her down. I know that babies are born full and don’t need to eat much the first 24 hours but my daughter sure seemed hungry and frustrated. At the 24 hour mark our nurse told us the hospital policy was to start supplementing with formula if babies were not successfully feeding. I always tell people not to start formula in the hospital. Now that I was facing the decision I felt the frantic need to feed my daughter and since I wasn’t pumping much colostrum I agreed. I felt like such a failure but at the same time it made me feel better to know that my daughter wasn’t starving. We decided to go to a baby care class the following morning and it happened to be taught by a CLE . When she started talking about breastfeeding I cried. After the class I told her my frustration in that no one was giving me the help I needed and how discouraged I was. She was compassionate and gave me the hope I needed to continue. I don’t remember what time the Lactation Consultant finally came to my room but she came with another woman who was training to become an LC and they were both great. She confirmed that my nipples were fine and that wasn’t the problem. They suspected the problem was tongue tie and suggested a nipple shield. With their help we were able to get Gianna latched with the nipple shield and could hear her swallowing but they noticed she was still having some trouble.

            It was such a relief to finally get her latched! I think she had a few decent feedings after that but then we started having trouble again. I would ask for help with latching her but would always be waiting so long that we would have to give her formula to calm her down. We decided to stay in the hospital another night to get help from the LC before going home. The second night is a blur but I know that feeding was stressful and we were still struggling. The second LC helped me to latch her again but agreed that I would have to keep pumping and supplementing her if she was not feeding well at the breast.

            Once we got home things got worse. I was so exhausted and overwhelmed with feeding her. I would need Tim to help me calm her down and also supplement her with the finger syringe while I pumped. Breastfeeding was horrible. She would cry and I would cry. It took us two weeks to work out insurance problems to finally get her tongue tie corrected. I thought that would instantly fix things. After the procedure I tried to latch her but again she would bob her head even with the nipple shield. I felt so discouraged. I knew that I needed to get help but I was so exhausted and couldn’t make it to a breastfeeding support group. I was also struggling with my pride in thinking that I should know what to do and how to help my daughter breastfeed but I couldn’t. Throughout that time I was pumping every 2-3 hours and trying to latch her when she was calm. I started to not latch her as much because it was so stressful for both of us and it was seriously depressing me. Eventually we realized she was slurping more than sucking with the finger syringe so we switched to a bottle which seemed to help with her sucking. Finally at three weeks we were able to see an LC through our insurance. She was really supportive and helped give me some tips on getting Gianna to latch. Throughout the week we practiced more and started to improve. After our four week appointment with the LC we decided to try a week of not supplementing and only pumping and giving the bottle if she was too frustrated to feed. For one week my daughter was almost exclusively feeding at the breast, it was amazing! I never thought we would be able to get to this point after the first few weeks of struggles. I was so happy and relieved. I only had to pump and bottle feed her a few times. And no formula! I thought we were done with formula forever! And then we found out she had lost 3 ounces that week. I had thought breastfeeding was finally going well so this was really upsetting to me and again I felt like a failure. 

Gianna's Birth Story

Her birth story begins at my 37 week appointment when my OB shocked us by telling us that I was already 4 cm dilated and fully effaced. That meant theoretically my body was prepared for labor. I looked at Tim and then looked back at my Doctor with my jaw dropped. She laughed at my expression. Since it was the Monday before Christmas she advised us not to travel to my Aunt’s house for Christmas and to get prepared to have a baby within a week, definitely within two weeks. We were excited that we get to meet Gianna sooner than planned but more than a little freaked out as well. Right away we told our family the news and they agreed that we should stay close to home for Christmas.

            We attended midnight Mass and I was feeling semi-regular contractions during Mass. Could this be it? Was I going into labor on Christmas Eve!? The contractions stopped when we got home and I wouldn’t have regular contractions until the following Sunday. Everyone had told us the 5-1-1 rule for going to the hospital. We were supposed to wait until my contractions were 5 minutes apart or less , lasting one minute in length for at least an hour. I was worried my labor would progress quickly so on Sunday December 28^th when my contractions were consistently five minutes apart or less I told Tim we should go to the hospital. They had us walk around for a few hours to monitor my progress and early Monday morning we were told to go home. The nurse expected we would be back within 24 hour and I would fully be in labor. The rest of the week continued with contractions coming and going it was exhausting and I wasn’t sleeping. We made it to my 38 week exam that Friday and my doctor was surprised to see that I wasn’t in labor. I wasn’t amused. We discussed the option of stripping my membranes but decided to wait another week for that. After my appointment I decided that I needed to relax so I got a pedicure. My family came to visit that evening and we went to dinner. Once we got home I had been experiencing contractions and I told Tim I wanted to try a few things to help trigger labor, including bouncing on my exercise ball. I was ready to get this baby out. We decided that my contractions weren’t close enough to stay up and that we should go to bed.

            After having contractions through the night I woke up at 6 am and decided that I was going to have this baby that day, Saturday January 3^rd. It was one day before our 1 year wedding anniversary. I started to time contractions and they were about 5 minutes apart. I decided to wake up Tim and let him know it was going to happen today. My contractions were not consistent but were increasing in intensity so we decided to go for a walk and then head to the hospital after lunch. By that point I was in crazy lady mode and told Tim that I was not going to let them send me home, I was in labor. We got triage and again we were going to have to pass the two hour test. We walked around and took breaks with my contractions increasing to the point of making me want to cry. I was excited because I knew that it was finally happening. Luckily I dilated enough for them to admit me even though my darn contractions still weren’t regular. I may have cried and told the nurse I couldn’t handle going home even if it meant I might have a long labor ahead of me.

            It was about five pm before we finally got settled into our room and met our lovely nurse. We spent about an hour getting the room set up and going through our list of prayer intentions. I had to be on the monitors for twenty minutes every hour. This part was my least favorite because I had to be in the bed and it was harder to cope with my contractions. I was experiencing a lot of pressure and pain in my back which seemed to confirm my greatest fear, back labor. Tim was absolutely wonderful at helping me cope with my contractions, he would rub and put pressure on my back and help me in any way he could. When my contractions would start he would jump into place and never complained. I felt like we were a really great team and I loved him so much for being so involved in my labor. Since my contractions were still not very regular the nurse suggested we walk the halls to try to speed things along. We would walk and then I would stop and hang out to the railing when a contraction started. I found that swaying my hips while Tim rubbed my back seemed to work the best. I didn’t really care how silly we looked; everyone would know I was in labor anyways. Shortly after we started walking around we ran into my OB who had just come on duty. She told me based on my contractions and how I was coping that I wasn’t in actual labor. This made me furious because I knew that I was in labor! Luckily she decided to check me and realized I had dilated to 6 cm and actually was in labor. In an effort to help me progress we decided to strip my membranes but not break my water yet. That procedure was extremely uncomfortable but I breathed through it and remained calm. Both my OB and Nurse said that they had never seen someone stay so calm during that procedure. I felt vindicated that I was actually in labor just coping really well.

            I will fast forward four hours. Over the next four hours we repeated walking around and then going back to the room for monitoring. My contractions were definitely getting more intense and closer together. I was starting to not cope as well but figured I must be close to transition. I remember telling Tim that I better be close to 8cm when my OB came back to check me. That is why I was shocked when four hours later I was still stuck at 6cm. I felt discouraged. How could I have spent the past four hours trying to relax through increasing contractions for nothing!? At that point I agreed to have my water broken. After my water broke things got really intense and fast. I was jumping around the room like a crazy woman with Tim trying to keep up with me. My methods of coping weren’t working anymore. The combination of not knowing how long it would be until I was ready to push and the intensity of the pain lead me to consider an epidural. At first it was just during contractions that I would tell Tim I needed the epidural but after half hour it was decided and Tim thankfully supported my decision. I was exhausted. Unfortunately it would be at least an hour weight so I ended up getting pain meds via my IV first. Those are two things I said I wouldn’t do.

            Five minutes before the clock struck midnight and it was our wedding anniversary I was finally feeling some relief from the pain meds and could smile at Tim and told him happy anniversary at midnight. We were going to have our baby on our wedding anniversary. An hour later I got my epidural and it felt strange to be able to rest. Tim felt useless and even got to nap half hour. Around two am my nurse decided it was time to get the room ready for pushing. I didn’t realize how much the room has to be prepared and how many people have to be on call for the event. I was so naive I thought I would be pushing with my OB the whole time; I was confused when my nurse gave me instructions and told me to start. Since I had an epidural, the nurse had to tell me when my contraction was starting but it actually wasn't that difficult to get the hang of pushing. However, as labor had taught me, even though my efforts were good my baby still wasn't progressing much down the birth canal after an hour of productive pushes. My nurse figured out that Gianna’s head was slightly tilted to the side and confirmed that she had been sunnyside up and must have rotated during labor just not fully. My OB was called in and helped to rotate her head. She ended up staying since Gianna’s heart rate had been dropping slightly and I had to be on oxygen. That was scary because I felt like it was somehow my fault. The last half hour of pushing because exhausting but it was worth it once my Gianna finally came out. I was beyond thankful that I did not need a C-section. Once Gianna came out they noticed her umbilical cord had been compressed and that is why her heart rate had dropped. She came out crying and healthy though! My first thoughts were “wow she is really dark and looks more Filipino like Tim” it’s funny those were my first thoughts.  After Tim cut the cord I was able to hold her and attempted to latch her. She didn't

really latch and that was just a sign of the breastfeeding struggles to come but I was so happy to finally meet her! I couldn't fathom how she had been inside of me moments before and now I was holding her in my arms. I was surprised to learn that she was 19.5 inches and 7lbs 3 oz which was bigger than I expected since she was a week early! She was quite the anniversary present and we love her so much! Twenty four hours after I woke up determined to have my baby she was born and amazingly I wasn’t as exhausted as I would have expected. Gianna Rose Barbeau was born at 5:45 AM on Sunday January 4^th, 2015. 

Changes to "The Plan"

            During the past two months Tim and I have had a few changes that we have had to deal with. Thankfully none of them have to do with my pregnancy and everything is okay with Gianna. We are still blessed by so much and we know that God will look out for us just the future is a little more uncertain now. We have learned in the past that things rarely go according to your plan, but of course I still try to plan out our life at least a few years in advance. I was already stressing myself out over the fact that Tim would be starting third semester around my due date and also trying to work full time. I knew it was going to be a really challenging time for both of us but he was going to finish nursing school in December of 2015 and then we would be a lot more financially stable once he got a nursing job. Of course I was also worrying about the possibility that it would be hard for him to find a nursing job and we would have to move. Notice that I tend to worry a bit too much about the future, especially when it is things that I can’t control? Well all of that worrying was wasted and I should have been noticing how stressed out by school Tim was becoming. Supporting me in pregnancy, working full time and being in nursing school was very challenging. Tim was doing really well on his exams but unfortunately nursing school still wasn’t meant to be. Through an unfortunate series of events, not fully in his control, his instructors decided that he lacked the confidence to become a nurse and just like that he was kicked out of nursing school.

            What are we going to do now?  This wasn’t part of the plan. It was really hard to deal with in the moment especially as I was approaching my third trimester of pregnancy. I didn’t blame Tim because I knew he had been working really hard and I was hurting with him. It was really hard to process that all of the sudden he was no longer in nursing school and we needed a new plan. Thankfully it removed a lot of stress from him and he still had a full time job, which we were very grateful for. As part of coping, I started to look into other medical careers that didn’t take a lot of schooling that would be a good fit for Tim. I found that community colleges in San Diego have a lot of healthcare programs which was great. Even though it was hard to deal with we trusted that God was going to lead Tim to another career which may be better suited for him. As of now Tim will be applying for programs to become either a Respiratory Therapist, Physical Therapy Assistant or Occupational Therapy Assistant. Tim interacts with all of these professions in the hospital and he is excited about the prospects. However, his acceptance into these programs is very much out of our control. Since they are funded in part by the state they have to accept people based on a raffle or wait list (basically they only accept a small number of people each year in order of when you applied). I am hopeful that he will be accepted into a program in the Fall but it is likely we will have to wait another year. This is going to be hard but we are going to trust in God and his timing.

            We have learned in the past that when things don’t go according to plan they usually end up working out better. One blessing is that Tim is more available to help with preparations for our baby and helping support me through the last trimester. He will be able to enjoy the birth of our daughter and the first few months of her life without being stressed about school. The only downside is that it definitely puts us into financial uncertainty for the next few years as he will go back to school and not be able to work full time. Our plan had been for me to take three months of maternity leave after Gianna is born and then return to work only two days a week when Tim could stay home with her. I wasn’t completely looking forward to that but I knew that it was necessary for our family at this point in time. I had been upfront with my work about this a few months ago and luckily they had been okay with it. Again, I began to stress unnecessarily about how I would be able to leave Gianna to return to work part time. About two weeks ago my boss called to let me know that the other managers had looked at the budget and essentially decided that I would need to come back full time if I wanted to keep my job. I felt like my plan was falling apart. Tim and I had just adjusted our plan to account for him no longer being on track to become a nurse and now I was learning I would essentially not have a job in April.

            When I called Tim to tell him the news, he did not freak out . After I assured him that I would still get paid maternity leave he assured me that we would be able to figure it out by then. We don’t really have a plan at this point but I have a few ideas of how I can supplement our income without having to return to work full time. I am hoping that God will also help us figure this out. I am confident that I will be able to find someone who needs help with childcare or I will be able to find a part time job that will have flexible hours so I can work when Tim is home with Gianna. It is definitely a stressor that I wasn't expecting to have so close to delivery but thankfully we have time to figure it out and my job will still be there if we can’t figure out an alternative and I have to return to work full time. I really do enjoy my job and have formed relationships with the mothers I counsel, especially mothers going through pregnancy at the same time as me. I absolutely love providing breastfeeding education and encouraging mothers that they can do it. I think I will go through some grieving about leaving my job completely, but I know my little Gianna will be worth it. Ideally I would want to be a full time stay at home mom but that isn't possible for us at this point in time and I hope that I can figure out a way to stay home with her as much as possible.

            The biggest challenge for me was letting go of the idea of attaining financial security where I wouldn't have to contribute to our income. I was being very selfish and not recognizing all of the blessings and gifts we have. We are so lucky to have a home and a way to support ourselves. I had to remind myself that struggling and suffering isn't a bad thing, it will actually make us stronger. I know so many women bringing children into this world in much worse situations and I know that Tim and I will be fine. As long as we work together and support each other we will get through any challenges that life brings us. I am so thankful to have him by my side because I know that he will be strong when I am weak. At the end of the day we don’t need much more than each other and our faith. Marriage is a wonderful, grace filled Sacrament and I am so thankful for it. Now that we have worked through this minor setback we are focused on meeting our baby girl in about six short weeks and we are beyond thankful that God has blessed us with her! 

Our Ultrasound: Meeting our Little One

I haven’t been blogging much lately because life has been busy. Tim has been back in nursing school for a month and we are both working full time. It has definitely been challenging and I am trying to be more helpful with house chores and cooking. I have also been feeling pretty tired and spending a lot of time laying on the couch and watching TV, but I am trying to change that! Anyways, back to the story. We had our ultrasound at the end of August when I was twenty weeks along. Before my ultrasound a lot of people were predicting that I was having a boy, and I had been pretty convinced as well. About a week before the ultrasound I realized I should also start bonding to the idea of having a girl so I wouldn’t be too surprised if I was having a girl. I started to get more excited about the idea of having a girl but I wanted to be happy with both outcomes. My main concern was finding out if there were any developmental defects, but again I had to learn to put that in God’s hands in trust in his providence. Overall I was mostly excited to see our baby and how much he or she had developed since the 8 week ultrasound! I wanted to know who this human growing inside me was.

                On the day of the ultrasound I worked in the morning and then took the afternoon off. Tim had to come straight to the appointment from school and we knew that he would probably hit traffic and be a bit late. I got to the appointment early and instead of waiting in my hot car I decided to check in early. Unfortunately they called me back within five minutes and were ready to start the ultrasound early. This made me nervous because Tim was only about to get out of class at that time.  The ultrasound technician informed me that they have to take me as soon as they can after you check in; I quickly called Tim to leave him a voicemail about what was happening. We started the ultrasound but I let the technician know that I wanted to wait until my husband came to find out the gender. It took me a little while to get oriented and figure out what I was looking at, but after I did it was really amazing! My favorite part was looking at how perfectly developed and intricate the spine was, I know that is really random but it was impressive. It also took away concerns of spina bifida. Everything looked really good and I could see the heart and everything! I would occasionally check my phone but Tim had not contacted me so I started to get worried. The ultrasound technician was really friendly and she told me about her three children and talking to her helped distract me from worries about where Tim was.

                Throughout the hour long ultrasound, we kept trying to get baby to change position because baby was head down and it was hard to get certain measurements and angles. The technician kept having me lay on my side, then lay on my back, then onto my other side. Baby was very stubborn.  Of course this made me think about labor and hope that we won’t have a similar problem.  She also had use the bathroom twice to see if that would get baby to change position, I even jumped up and down, nothing. About halfway through the ultrasound Tim finally arrived, what a relief.  I had told the technician that Tim was a nursing student and joked with her that she should quiz him on the baby’s anatomy. It was really nice because she gave him a run through of all the pictures she had taken and told him everything looked good (they aren’t really supposed to comment on anything and she hadn’t said anything to me haha). While Tim was there we continued trying to get baby to move, once she had me cough and baby finally moved but before she could take a good picture the baby moved back to the favored position. It was pretty funny and apparently in eight years of being an ultrasound technician she has never had a baby this stubborn! We finally got to the end and I had to remind the technician that we wanted to find out the gender. She showed us the perfectly formed genitals of a baby girl! I looked at Tim smiling and told him that he was right since he was convinced we were having a girl. We were both really happy to finally know who our little baby is, Gianna Rose Barbeau. One of my first thoughts walking out of the office was oh boy this means we have to handle teenage dating years with a girl first yikes! I know this is many many years away but having a girl is stressful. Aside from those concerns, I am so happy to have a little girl. After the ultrasound I went and bought a newborn dress it is adorable!

                We skyped with our families that night to share the good news because we could not wait or make them wait any longer. I had tried to rehearse using neutral pronouns in my story before we revealed the gender but my first attempt failed. We skyped with my family first and as I was telling them the story I accidentally said “she would not move” which my dad caught onto. My family was really excited to find out, I think they would be equally excited no matter whether it were a boy or girl though. She will be loved by many people. When we told Tim’s family I decided to just tell them sooner before I accidentally gave it away. The funny part was as we were about to announce that it’s a girl, Tim’s mom shouts it’s a boy! And we had to say sorry it’s actually a girl. She had a dream it was a boy and that was why she was convinced. I made a onesie that said “Gianna Rose Barbeau” to show them as we made our announcement and that was fun to share with them.  Everyone is so excited, especially the grandmas and the five aunts who can’t wait to shop for little girl clothes. I can’t even handle how cute baby girl stuff is, even Tim was surprised by how precious the dress I bought Gianna is.

                We are having a girl! It is going to be a really exciting adventure, even though it will be challenging at times. I am excited because I know she will be mommy’s helper as we have other children.  I want to thank everyone’s prayers for us during my pregnancy I really appreciate it. We definitely still need the prayers as we prepare to meet Gianna in January ! 

Being Mary to Elizabeth

     My first trimester of pregnancy was definitely challenging for me. I have never been good at suffering and that is something that I pray to become better at. I did not have as rough of a first trimester as many women do but it still wasn't easy for me. The first challenge I faced aside from emotional toll of worrying about the health of my baby, was adjusting to the new wave of hormones coursing through my body. I really can't explain how it felt but I truly did not feel like myself and it was very strange. I am normally a very warm and affectionate person towards Tim. When we are home I am often hugging him, cuddling on the couch or kissing him. My primary love language is physical touch. However, after a few weeks of being pregnant I realized that this aspect of my personality had changed. I was not that interested in any physical affection. This really concerned me because I did not feel like myself anymore. I wanted to be that warm cuddly wife but for some reason it was really difficult. Tim was really great at trying to understand the changes I was experiencing but it was really hard for me to explain because I did not understand it myself. Thankfully this part of pregnancy probably only lasted a few weeks and I started to feel more like myself again.
    Another challenging aspect of pregnancy was the fatigue. I am used to experiencing some occasional fatigue as a result of my allergies but this fatigue was really difficult. It seemed that all I could manage to do was get through the work day and as soon as I got home I would crash on couch. Most days I would try to nap in my car but it started to get too hot for that. Tim would make dinner for us and do the dishes. He was also doing the majority of the chores. On the weekend I would try to help out by doing laundry and maybe cooking dinner but that would exhaust all of my energy. All of the burdens of the housework started to take a toll on Tim who was also working full time and not sleeping well since I would make many middle of the night trips to the bathroom. Over time we worked through these challenges and started taking walks together in the evening which seemed to help me overall. Thankfully the fatigue has also become more manageable and I am trying to be more helpful around the house. 
     However, I really needed something to get me through that challenging time. What I often reflected on  was Mary visiting her cousin Elizabeth in her first trimester of pregnancy. We don't know how Mary experienced pregnancy since she was without original sin but I imagine she must have experienced some degree of the physical affects of pregnancy.  It is presumed that she did not experience labor pains since that was an effect of original sin but I would imagine she would at least experience the burdens of carrying a human being her womb for nine months. Soon after Mary found out she was pregnant with Jesus, she immediately traveled to aid her cousin Elizabeth with her pregnancy. While I was experiencing my first trimester , the significance of this really resonated with me. Rather than worrying about her own pregnancy she immediately set out to be a servant to another pregnant woman. Mary is always sensitive to our needs above her own. She is truly a miraculous woman and I needed some of her strength. Her strength came from the Holy Spirit and I needed to rely on it as she had her entire life. When I would find myself sitting at my desk at work wondering how I could make it though the day I would ask about Mary for help. If Mary could travel across the desert to help her cousin Elizabeth while pregnant, I could certainly sit at my comfortable desk and counsel a pregnant woman or a mother with children. 
     When I was able to keep myself from wallowing in self pity I found an even greater joy in serving others while pregnant. I still had rough days and I think I still left too many burdens on Tim but life started to get easier and more enjoyable. Once I started sharing my pregnancy with the women I was counseling I was blessed with wonderful connections. Motherhood is a universal sisterhood and we really should be helping each other through it. It is so much easier to support a woman struggling with nausea when I can relate on a deep level to her. It is so gratifying to be able to support a woman through pregnancy and be of service even when I am struggling to get through the day. I really enjoyed my job before but now that I am trying to be Mary to Elizabeth I am finding even more enjoyment and fulfillment in it. I feel strongly called to help support other pregnant women and mothers and I am really excited to work on starting a mother's ministry at my church! Even if you are not pregnant I would encourage you to think about ways you can be as Mary was to Elizabeth. Our beautiful mother is the best example of what we are called to be as women! 

I have included the excerpt form the Gospel of Luke and I encourage you to read and reflect on it! 

From The Gospel of Luke:

35 And the angel answered her, The Holy Spirit will come upon thee, and the power of the most High will overshadow thee. Thus this holy offspring of thine shall be known for the Son of God. 36 See, moreover, how it fares with thy cousin Elizabeth; she is old, yet she too has conceived a son; she who was reproached with barrenness is now in her sixth month, 37 to prove that nothing can be impossible with God. 38 And Mary said, Behold the handmaid of the Lord; let it be unto me according to thy word. And with that the angel left her.

39 In the days that followed, Mary rose up and went with all haste to a town of Juda, in the hill country 40 where Zachary dwelt; and there entering in she gave Elizabeth greeting. 41 No sooner had Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, than the child leaped in her womb; and Elizabeth herself was filled with the Holy Ghost; 42 so that she cried out with a loud voice, Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb. 43 How have I deserved to be thus visited by the mother of my Lord? 44 Why, as soon as ever the voice of thy greeting sounded in my ears, the child in my womb leaped for joy. 45 Blessed art thou for thy believing; the message that was brought to thee from the Lord shall have fulfillment

46 And Mary said, My soul magnifies the Lord;47 my spirit has found joy in God, who is my Saviour, 48 because he has looked graciously upon the lowliness of his handmaid. Behold, from this day forward all generations will count me blessed;49 because he who is mighty, he whose name is holy, has wrought for me his wonders. 50 He has mercy upon those who fear him, from generation to generation; 51 he has done valiantly with the strength of his arm, driving the proud astray in the conceit of their hearts; 52 he has put down the mighty from their seat, and exalted the lowly; 53 he has filled the hungry with good things, and sent the rich away empty-handed. 54 He has protected his servant Israel, keeping his merciful design in remembrance, 55 according to the promise which he made to our forefathers, Abraham and his posterity for evermore.
56 Mary returned home when she had been with her about three months; 57 meanwhile, Elizabeth’s time had come for her child-bearing, and she bore a son.[5]