Freedom to love. God spent many years preparing both
my heart and Tim’s heart to be able to enter into this Sacramental Covenant
with each other. Without that preparation I think our experience thus far would
be drastically different. Marriage is unlike anything else on earth, it points
us towards the union we will experience with God in heaven. On earth, God’s
fiery love begins the purification process and in marriage it does so in a
special way.
We were created in love, by love, and for love. If
this is true why our society has such a negative view of marriage, yet at the
same time we are obsessed with weddings and marriage. Why is marriage seen by
some as the ending of one’s freedom? From my point of view it is the end of the
freedom to be self centered but it gives way to a greater freedom, the freedom
to love. Tim and I withheld some of our selves during our courtship in order to
give ourselves fully in the Sacrament of Matrimony. When we were finally able
to give ourselves to each other it was total, freely faithfully, and
fruitfully. In our total gift of self we both realized the fulfillment of our
masculinity and femininity and it was beautiful. We realized that God’s plan
for our marriage is really wonderful. This doesn’t mean that there wasn’t any
amount of awkwardness as both of us were rather naïve, but we were both able to
be totally vulnerable and figure out God’s plan for our union together. I am
sure some people would expect there to be nervousness about finally revealing
our bodies after years of hiding them from each other. However, we knew God’s
plan from the beginning. If we go back to the Garden of Eden, both Adam and Eve
were naked without shame. Once sin entered the garden they covered themselves,
not because their bodies were bad but because they had to protect themselves
from lust. Well, Tim has shown me over the years that he loves me and that he
has no desire to use me, to allow lust to overtake him. Because he had promised
to lay his life down for me as Christ died for the Church, I was able to be
naked without shame. It actually did shock me because our physical relationship
changed so drastically yet we were both so comfortable and it was easy to be vulnerable
with each other. I believe that this is what love should be. I don’t mean that
every couple will experience God’s plan for union in exactly the same way but I
was so amazed to finally understand what God’s plan has always been for the
union of the sexes.
I experienced almost an immediate transformation in
my ability to love Tim freely. I still have my shortcomings but the grace that
is bestowed on us in the Sacrament is powerful. It is still a challenge to put
Tim’s needs before mine but I noticed it happening a lot more naturally. I also
felt worse when I was being selfish and not loving Tim and God would want me
too. A few weeks into our marriage it really hit me like a ton of bricks that I
am responsible for ensuring that Tim makes it to heaven. If I lead us into sin,
not only am I responsible for my sin but I am even more culpable for his sin. I
will be honest that this realization scared me. I started to worry that I was
too selfish and not capable of loving Tim in the way that I am called to in
this vocation. I knew that I was not trusting God’s mercy and grace but I was
still struggling. I went to Confession and explained my struggles to the Priest.
The Priest was a gentle old Irish priest who clarified that I had only been
married two weeks and that this would be something I will be striving to
overcome for the rest of my marriage. He meant to comfort me and assure me that
I can’t expect to be a perfect wife after only two weeks of marriage. I went to
Confession two weeks later and it was a different Priest but the message was
essentially the same. God is working through Tim to purify my heart with his
fiery love. Sometimes it is hard, sometimes it is easy, but it is always a
precious gift. God’s plan for my life is unraveling right before my eyes and it
is really starting to make sense. I know that he has plans to break open my
heart to have a larger capacity for love. I am feeling more and more like the
woman I want to be. This process will continue for the rest of my life. One day
the love between Tim and I will be so powerful that it will need its own name
in nine months. I stole that idea from Gregory Popcak in his book “Holy Sex”;
it brought tears to my eyes because it is so beautiful and so true. Although I
feel more like a woman now that I am a wife, I know that God’s transformation
has only begun and I will realize it on a whole new level once I am blessed to
experience motherhood.
So what is married life like? It is a journey that
is already teaching me so much about myself, about Tim and about God. It really is wonderful and blissful but that
is among the challenges and difficulties. It is not for the faint of heart. You
really need to be ready to give yourself fully in marriage. There is no hiding at
all. It can be scary to be that vulnerable with someone but I recommend you
only marry someone if you can trust them with everything, even the messy parts.
I pray that people in relationships will really evaluate the person they are
dating and their relationship because it would be really scary to move towards
marriage if you are unsure about trusting and being vulnerable with that
person. Please don’t settle, marriage is a lifetime deal and you need your
spouse to be there with you no matter what, no matter how messy or hard things
get. This post has taken on a life of itself and I hope I didn’t lose you. And
that being said I have only been married six weeks, I am nowhere near an expert
at all!
