When I
was taking my Certified Lactation Educator course, the instructor talked about
how one of the biggest challenges women face today is isolation. Historically
people lived in villages and helped each other out. Women learned how to
breastfeed from other women and there was always someone to help if a woman was
having a hard time. Motherhood and breastfeeding were at the center of the
culture and community. Now it is more common for people to live far away from
family and without that village to help with raising children. Raising children
is tough, especially the first time around. I think a lot of the “mommy wars”
stem from everyone just trying to do the best they can but still not sure if
they are really doing a good job. In order to suppress our insecurity we
compare ourselves to others and convince ourselves that how we are raising our
children is superior and it makes us feel better. It is really hard to not
compare myself to other moms and when I catch myself doing it I stop and remind
myself that we are all just doing the best we can with the situations we are
in! We need community, we need support. I
hope that if we can focus on helping other moms deal with their challenges
rather than comparing ourselves we will all feel better.
We live three hours from my parents
and Tim’s parents are up in Washington. I really wish that we lived closer but
for the time being we need to stay here. I have recently been blessed that both
my sister and brother now live within twenty minutes of us and it has been
really great! Even though we live far from family, God has provided us with an
amazing community. I wasn’t planning on getting pregnant during the time where
our financial situation would require me to continue working full-time. I didn’t
want to put my baby in daycare. However, we didn’t have to put our daughter in
daycare because God brought two amazing people into our lives. Before Tim and I
were even married we met Ben and Ivyvy at a relationship skills seminar hosted
by St. Brigid’s which was 30 minutes from where we lived. We broke into small
groups and ended up meeting them and discovered that they went to the same
parish as us! Over the next few years they became some of our closest friends
and we discovered that they only lived five minutes away from us. When I was
pregnant I knew that I wanted to ask Ben to be Gianna’s godfather. I would have
asked Ivyvy to be the godmother but since she is technically still Anglican she
could only be a Christian witness. After Gianna was born and we realized that I
would have to go back to work they offered to help watch her for free! They
work from home and are able to have a flexible schedule. It has been such a
blessing and a help to us and Gianna truly loves going to their house and has
formed a very sweet relationship with them. I just can’t believe how God has
put them into our lives. Another great example of our community is that earlier
this week I asked if anyone could help watch Gianna for a day next week and my
sweet friend Rita is actually taking the day off from work to watch Gianna. I
was just blown away by her kindness. We couldn’t raise Gianna without this
extra support God has provided us with.
Another great source of support has
been my parent’s frequent visits down to help us with Gianna. It has been
really wonderful watching them interact with her and to see how much she loves
them. When Tim got sick a few weeks after Gianna was born, my mom stayed with
us and took over his part in helping me with her. I would not have been able to
keep pumping without her help. I can definitely see how we weren’t designed to
raise children on our own. Both their lives and the lives of others are
enriched when they help us raise them.
I have been blessed to have many
other young mom friends who have also been a great support during this time. In
addition to that I also have the internet to connect me with many other moms.
Reading other blogs and participating in facebook groups for moms has been so
helpful. I no longer feel alone but supported and encouraged. I have received
advice on a variety of topics from sleep issues, feeding questions and even how
to start disciplining an older baby. I really hope that we can stop the mommy
wars and just focus on how we can support other moms in this difficult stage of
life. If you see another mom acting judgmental please realize that she is
probably insecure in her mothering skills and try to encourage her and be
gentle! Let’s focus on helping each other
rather than comparing ourselves. We all fall short, we all do things we thought
we never would and it’s okay. Let’s be gentle on ourselves because motherhood
is the toughest thing in the world!
