Being Mary to Elizabeth

     My first trimester of pregnancy was definitely challenging for me. I have never been good at suffering and that is something that I pray to become better at. I did not have as rough of a first trimester as many women do but it still wasn't easy for me. The first challenge I faced aside from emotional toll of worrying about the health of my baby, was adjusting to the new wave of hormones coursing through my body. I really can't explain how it felt but I truly did not feel like myself and it was very strange. I am normally a very warm and affectionate person towards Tim. When we are home I am often hugging him, cuddling on the couch or kissing him. My primary love language is physical touch. However, after a few weeks of being pregnant I realized that this aspect of my personality had changed. I was not that interested in any physical affection. This really concerned me because I did not feel like myself anymore. I wanted to be that warm cuddly wife but for some reason it was really difficult. Tim was really great at trying to understand the changes I was experiencing but it was really hard for me to explain because I did not understand it myself. Thankfully this part of pregnancy probably only lasted a few weeks and I started to feel more like myself again.
    Another challenging aspect of pregnancy was the fatigue. I am used to experiencing some occasional fatigue as a result of my allergies but this fatigue was really difficult. It seemed that all I could manage to do was get through the work day and as soon as I got home I would crash on couch. Most days I would try to nap in my car but it started to get too hot for that. Tim would make dinner for us and do the dishes. He was also doing the majority of the chores. On the weekend I would try to help out by doing laundry and maybe cooking dinner but that would exhaust all of my energy. All of the burdens of the housework started to take a toll on Tim who was also working full time and not sleeping well since I would make many middle of the night trips to the bathroom. Over time we worked through these challenges and started taking walks together in the evening which seemed to help me overall. Thankfully the fatigue has also become more manageable and I am trying to be more helpful around the house. 
     However, I really needed something to get me through that challenging time. What I often reflected on  was Mary visiting her cousin Elizabeth in her first trimester of pregnancy. We don't know how Mary experienced pregnancy since she was without original sin but I imagine she must have experienced some degree of the physical affects of pregnancy.  It is presumed that she did not experience labor pains since that was an effect of original sin but I would imagine she would at least experience the burdens of carrying a human being her womb for nine months. Soon after Mary found out she was pregnant with Jesus, she immediately traveled to aid her cousin Elizabeth with her pregnancy. While I was experiencing my first trimester , the significance of this really resonated with me. Rather than worrying about her own pregnancy she immediately set out to be a servant to another pregnant woman. Mary is always sensitive to our needs above her own. She is truly a miraculous woman and I needed some of her strength. Her strength came from the Holy Spirit and I needed to rely on it as she had her entire life. When I would find myself sitting at my desk at work wondering how I could make it though the day I would ask about Mary for help. If Mary could travel across the desert to help her cousin Elizabeth while pregnant, I could certainly sit at my comfortable desk and counsel a pregnant woman or a mother with children. 
     When I was able to keep myself from wallowing in self pity I found an even greater joy in serving others while pregnant. I still had rough days and I think I still left too many burdens on Tim but life started to get easier and more enjoyable. Once I started sharing my pregnancy with the women I was counseling I was blessed with wonderful connections. Motherhood is a universal sisterhood and we really should be helping each other through it. It is so much easier to support a woman struggling with nausea when I can relate on a deep level to her. It is so gratifying to be able to support a woman through pregnancy and be of service even when I am struggling to get through the day. I really enjoyed my job before but now that I am trying to be Mary to Elizabeth I am finding even more enjoyment and fulfillment in it. I feel strongly called to help support other pregnant women and mothers and I am really excited to work on starting a mother's ministry at my church! Even if you are not pregnant I would encourage you to think about ways you can be as Mary was to Elizabeth. Our beautiful mother is the best example of what we are called to be as women! 

I have included the excerpt form the Gospel of Luke and I encourage you to read and reflect on it! 

From The Gospel of Luke:

35 And the angel answered her, The Holy Spirit will come upon thee, and the power of the most High will overshadow thee. Thus this holy offspring of thine shall be known for the Son of God. 36 See, moreover, how it fares with thy cousin Elizabeth; she is old, yet she too has conceived a son; she who was reproached with barrenness is now in her sixth month, 37 to prove that nothing can be impossible with God. 38 And Mary said, Behold the handmaid of the Lord; let it be unto me according to thy word. And with that the angel left her.

39 In the days that followed, Mary rose up and went with all haste to a town of Juda, in the hill country 40 where Zachary dwelt; and there entering in she gave Elizabeth greeting. 41 No sooner had Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, than the child leaped in her womb; and Elizabeth herself was filled with the Holy Ghost; 42 so that she cried out with a loud voice, Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb. 43 How have I deserved to be thus visited by the mother of my Lord? 44 Why, as soon as ever the voice of thy greeting sounded in my ears, the child in my womb leaped for joy. 45 Blessed art thou for thy believing; the message that was brought to thee from the Lord shall have fulfillment

46 And Mary said, My soul magnifies the Lord;47 my spirit has found joy in God, who is my Saviour, 48 because he has looked graciously upon the lowliness of his handmaid. Behold, from this day forward all generations will count me blessed;49 because he who is mighty, he whose name is holy, has wrought for me his wonders. 50 He has mercy upon those who fear him, from generation to generation; 51 he has done valiantly with the strength of his arm, driving the proud astray in the conceit of their hearts; 52 he has put down the mighty from their seat, and exalted the lowly; 53 he has filled the hungry with good things, and sent the rich away empty-handed. 54 He has protected his servant Israel, keeping his merciful design in remembrance, 55 according to the promise which he made to our forefathers, Abraham and his posterity for evermore.
56 Mary returned home when she had been with her about three months; 57 meanwhile, Elizabeth’s time had come for her child-bearing, and she bore a son.[5]

A Life Giving Love

                Six months ago today, Tim and I vowed to love each other until death do us part. We also vowed that we would love each other freely, totally, faithfully, and fruitfully. In other words, we promised to strive to love each other as God loves us. That is not always an easy task but thankfully we have the grace of God bestowed upon us in the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony. Unfortunately, I think many who are married in the Catholic Church may not understand the promise they are making.  In order to fulfill that promise you must give everything to your beloved including your fertility. Every time Tim and I make love we are giving a total gift of ourselves and we always know that there is the possibility of conceiving a baby.

                When Tim and I were married we decided to practice natural family planning in order to avoid conceiving a child at that time as we discerned that we were not ready to provide for a child. At the time Tim was unemployed and we could not make ends meet on my paychecks alone. We also were hoping to have a better idea of when Tim will be back in nursing school as he is on the waitlist currently. Even though we knew it was a very responsible decision to make, which the Catholic Church actually encourages couples to make, it was difficult for us.  We both knew that part of our calling and vocation is to be parents and having this life giving capability but choosing to not fully embrace it was difficult. I had no idea how emotional it would be for me to finally have the physical possibility of getting pregnant (since I had never had sex before) but to continue getting my period knowing that I was not pregnant. Since Tim and I were charting my fertility and abstaining during my fertile periods this shouldn’t have surprised me, but for some reason it was painful for me to not conceive. Tim and I kept revisiting the topic of when we should be open to conceiving but we knew that it would make the most sense to wait until he had a fulltime job and we could plan around him being back in nursing school.

                God was truly working in our hearts to realize that we needed to trust in his plan and his timing. He was taking care of our baby before he or she was even conceived. In the first week of April Tim was offered a full time job at Scripps Mercy Hospital, the only Catholic hospital in San Diego. We could not believe how blessed he was to get a job at the perfect hospital for him. On the exact day that Tim was signing papers to accept his position, my boss called me into her office to let me know I was being offered a full time position with benefits and a raise! For the past 16 months at my job, I had been working as Per Diem which meant that I did not get paid time off or maternity leave. I could not believe how much God was taking care of both Tim and I, it was amazing that it happened on the same day!               

                The month before, in March I had a really confusing cycle and Tim and I had a hard time determining when I had ovulated. Due to that confusion, we really thought that I had conceived which actually brought some stress on us since Tim still didn’t have a job and I was per diem. I was so worried about not being able to have paid maternity leave. I also was very adamant that I did not want to have to work while I was pregnant or after the baby was here. I really wanted to be a stay at home mom so even if that meant we had to wait longer to have a baby I thought that would be best. However, going through that initial stress made us sit down and figure out a plan of how we could make ends meet if I worked through pregnancy and part-time after that . After going through that we were feeling a lot more ready to accept God’s blessing. Unfortunately I did not conceive that month which was hard as I had convinced myself that I was. I stared at multiple pregnancy tests trying to will that second line to show up, but I was not pregnant. We knew that God had everything in control and that this would give us more time to prepare for a baby. We actually decided that September would be a good time to try to conceive because we knew that even if Tim were in nursing school he would have summer off and could just work and focus on our baby.

                When we both got full time jobs with benefits the next month I could really see that God was blessing us for trusting in him.  I will be honest in saying that I was pretty confident that I knew my cycle pretty well and that I always ovulated later in my cycle than most people so Tim and I would start our abstinence period a few days later than strict NFP rules would permit. We were even using a clearblue fertility monitor so I knew that I always ovulated on day 17 or later, I never in my life have had a cycle shorter than a month! I am pretty sure it was the first time in my whole fertile period of my life that I somehow ovulated on day 13 which would put me at a 26 day cycle. When I noticed I ovulated early I was thankful that Tim and I had actually started our abstinence period two days earlier than usual and I hadn’t been seeing fertility signs at that time.  For those of you who are not familiar with how a woman’s fertility and conception work here is a little science lesson. If a woman has fertile mucus the sperm can actually survive up to five days before ovulation and a woman can become pregnant from intercourse that happened 5 days prior to ovulation. I was pretty confident that I didn’t have fertile mucus on our last day of love-making so pregnancy was not on my radar this time.

                About a week later I started to experience back pain that could have been menstrual cramps but somehow it felt different. I still did not think I was pregnant but on May 4^th I was in so much discomfort I could not sleep.  I randomly got up at 1:30 in the morning and decided to take a pregnancy test.  Almost immediately the first line appeared and then the cross appeared. I started at it in disbelief; since the second line was faint I wasn’t sure if it was actually positive. I went to get my phone so I could take a picture to show Tim later. He had to get up at 5:30 for work so I decided to not wake him up to tell him. I just laid in bed wondering if I was actually pregnant because I did not want to get my hopes up. I could not sleep so I went back to the bathroom and read the pregnancy test instructions to see what could cause a false positive. After reading that I was starting to think that I might actually be pregnant.  I decided to wait until Tim got home from work to tell him so it could be special.

                After Tim got home from work and took a shower, I asked him if we could pray together in our prayer corner. Since it was our 4 month anniversary I started by thanking God for all the blessings he has given us in these four months of marriage. Then I thanked him for trusting us with this special blessing and asked God to watch over me during my pregnancy. At that moment Tim realized what was happening and looked at me kind of shocked and starting weeping tears of joy. He then hugged me and I explained how I found out. It was such a perfect moment. He was so happy but we both were hesitant to believe that I was actually pregnant, just in case it was a false positive.

                On Monday, I called Culture of Life Family Services to see if they could fit me in to confirm that I was pregnant. They did not call me back until Tuesday but by the grace of God they had a cancellation and were able to fit me in that afternoon. It was so perfect because I already had that afternoon off. Tim had a training at Scripps until 4:30 so I would have to go by myself.  His training ended super early though so he was able to meet me there before my appointment, so many blessings! It was another blessing to be seen by Dr. Delgado who is one of the best Catholic doctors in San Diego and practices Naprotechnology. When I told him about the pain and cramping I was experiencing he informed me that there was a risk of either ectopic pregnancy or miscarriage with those symptoms.  My heart dropped, I have always had such a fear of miscarriage and I could not believe I may actually have to face it. He suggested I get my blood drawn and return for a progesterone shot just in case low progesterone was the reason for my cramping. Thanks be to God that I was able to start prenatal care literally 11 days post fertilization because it turns out I did have low progesterone and would have likely miscarried without those progesterone shots. I ended up needing to get a shot twice a week for the first 10 weeks of pregnancy until the placenta started making progesterone.  I am getting emotional thinking about how I could have lost my first baby if God had not provided for us so well. Thankfully I was very familiar with COLFS and Dr. Delgado so I knew that was the first place to go for prenatal care.  Another blessing was that they had an office two blocks down from where I work so I could easily stop by for my shots after work.  God was watching over the safety of our baby from the very beginning.

                Even though God never fails to show us his goodness and trustworthiness I had a very difficult time dealing with the fact that I had low progesterone and could possibly have an ectopic pregnancy. I was quite literally a mess the next day; I could not focus at work. I had trouble trusting in God no matter what. Tim was my rock and my reason through this difficult time. He encouraged me that even if our baby did die, it would be another soul in heaven which was a consoling thought. I also thought about our friends whose baby had died from Trisomy 13 shortly after birth, their experience reminded me that babies are a gift that God entrusts us with but ultimately he is the author of life. Even though it was hard to face that I truly had no control in this situation, I began to open myself to God’s will more and more and trust.

                We had our first ultrasound at 6 weeks which confirmed that the baby had implanted well and even had a healthy heartbeat.  That was such a relief but I still lived with a heavy heart that something could still happen to our baby. At 8 weeks we got to see another ultrasound which revealed, as Tim had repeatedly told me, that our baby was healthy and growing stronger daily! The last trial came before our 11 week heartbeat check, I was so afraid that we wouldn’t hear anything and clearly was still not trusting God. Of course the heartbeat was very strong, and it was so amazing to get to hear it with Tim! After this, Tim convinced me that our baby was healthy and I had no more reason to worry, just trust in God!

                Since this is already ridiculously long, I will write another blog about the changes of pregnancy and telling our families about our baby. I will end by encouraging others to trust God with their fertility because participating in the act of creation with God is truly the most amazing thing you will ever experience in life.  I still cannot believe that there is a life growing inside me, God is so good!

We used this photo to announce our pregnancy