Now that I have given you some background information, I am going to the continue with the focus of this post. After we told our friend, I was really upset. I was so worried that now she wouldn't see us as an inspiration for living out chastity anymore. Tim helped me to figure out that it was my pride that was causing me to feel this way. Pride tends to creep in and cause problems for both of us on occasion. It was actually pride that prevented me from moving out on my own sooner. My parents had already helped out Tim and I financially with getting the first apartment and I was not able to humble myself to ask for help to move into a separate apartment. Instead, I waited six months until I found a part time job. Thankfully it didn't terribly damage out relationship but I really wish I had moved out sooner. I often talk about how Tim and I didn't really struggle in the chastity department, but that isn't the full truth. Hearing other people talk about struggles we can see how we were blessed that it wasn't as difficult for us but we weren't perfect either. My pride has and shame has caused me to try to push those bad memories out of existence but that isn't good. If we are honest with ourselves we can recall a few times where we really weren't being fully chaste. It hurts me to think that we weren't always perfect but isn't that true for all of us, we are all sinners.
I know that I am not perfect and in a sense I am beautifully flawed in God's eyes but this is really hard for me to accept. The more I resist accepting this, the more I am pushing God out and convincing myself that I don't need his help. Of course, I really need God. Marriage is helping me to humble myself but it is still difficult for me as I imagine it is difficult for most people. Tim has to remind me that I need to humble myself and accept that I am not perfect and I am always in need of God's grace and a little help from the Holy Spirit. I wanted to share this because I think I need to as part of my personal journey but I hope it can be helpful to others as well. Even though I want to present a happy and perfect image to the world, Tim and I had real struggles in our relationship and that continues. We feel very passionate about sharing the message of Theology of the Body and God's plan for men and women but I think its hard to share with others if they think that we never struggled and in a sense aren't human. Even though I am happily married now and everything was part of our journey, it is still hard for me to accept the times we fell in our relationship. It's still hard for me to accept when I feel that I fail in loving Tim. Thankfully God is always there for me and the Holy Spirit continues to work in my heart. We are all flawed and we all fall short of perfection and not only is it okay but in a sense it is a blessing. We don't have to be perfect and God knows that we can't be. That is why he gave us the Sacrament of Confession and the other Sacraments. He knows we need help, a lot of help and he isn't going to be stingy with his grace. The image of Jesus saving Peter when he was walking on water and started to get scared and fell comes to mind. Peter trusts Jesus enough to walk out on the water to meet him but then he looks down and see the waves. He gets scared and starts to fall, without hesitating Jesus stretches his arm out to him and catches him. Jesus will never let us fall, no matter how much our trust and faith fails us. Isn't that comforting? Now I think I should start praying a prayer for humility or something....
