I want to start off by saying that every sacrifice and challenge has been worth it. There have certainly been times that I wasn't sure of that but now when I look at my joy filled daughter and she smiles at me I know that I wouldn't change anything. I hope this can be encouraging to those in the throws of motherhood, especially adjusting to life with a newborn. Raising a baby and then raising a child is the hardest thing we will ever do. It is so challenging because we are not completely in control. Sometimes it does not matter how "good" of a parent we are, our child is independent and will still choose to defy us or completely go against everything we have worked for. Even though my daughter is only one it is so hard for me to handle when she looks at me and still does something I ask her not to do. And I know that this is just the beginning in a long life of lessons and growth for me. I am learning and growing in patience, love, self-sacrifice and so much more.
Over the past year I have learned that I am so much stronger than I ever thought I was. More importantly, I have learned that God will never give me more than I can handle and that I am never alone. Sleep deprivation has certainly lead to some very dark days but then I think about how lucky I am to have my healthy daughter and I try to pray a prayer of thanksgiving and offer my small sufferings for those who are having difficulty conceiving. And there are some days that I am still grumpy and I take it out on my husband because I am not perfect but God is certainly working on my heart! I am also learning to not take things personally when my daughter does something she is not supposed to but it is so hard for me. She has been throwing her food/ sippy cup off her highchair and it really drives me crazy. I keep having to remind myself that she is learning what is acceptable and not acceptable behavior and that it is a normal part of development but it sure is challenging me!
On the really challenging days, mostly when I am sleep deprived, I seriously doubt that I am cut out for motherhood. Who else has been there? I am willing to bet that a lot of moms feel that way because it is seriously tough. And I think there may be someone who wants to convince us that we can't handle it so that we close our hearts to more kids and he wins. The good news is that I am not alone, Tim balances out a lot of my short-comings and helps me to grow. Furthermore, God is helping me to become the mother that Gianna needs and I pray that the Holy Spirit helps me grow every day. And we have a community of love surrounding us! There are so many people who have helped to raise Gianna and she has benefited so much from it. And guess what? At the end of the day Gianna does not need a perfect mother, she only needs me. She needs me to love her. She needs me to love her father and God and then everything else will work itself out. As I write this I am reminding myself to focus on this and not get caught up in all the various parenting techniques there are out there. Love is the most important thing we can give to our children and the best lessons we can teach.
Another important lesson is that motherhood is ENOUGH. A few nights ago I was talking with Tim about how I really want to get involved with a ministry. He cautioned me that I should not get involved with something that will take up a lot of time because my primary vocation is our family. I told him that I used to be super involved in college and that it's really weird to not be involved in a ministry right now. He told me that raising our child is the most important ministry that I can be involved with right now. Although there may not be much glory in it, he is right. I am not trying to downplay being involved in ministries because they are important but the family is the domestic church and where we learn to love. Since I work four days a week and Tim is currently taking an evening class it would be selfish for me to sacrifice time from our family to get involved in other ministries. For now I will focus on our family and in the future when Gianna is older I will start to bring her with me and teach her how to serve others and the Church. Parents please remember that your primary vocation is to love your spouse and your children and make sure that your other commitments are not taking away from that!
Lastly I just want to share how amazing it has been to watch Gianna grow over the past year. I still get emotional when I think about how amazing it is that God allowed Tim and I to participate in creation with Him. And then she grew inside my body for nine months! In only a year she has grown to be half my height (even though I am short it's still quite the accomplishment). And she has grown into her own person with a huge personality. She absolutely loves people. She loves to talk to other people and babbles all day long. She loves music and starts to move her head side to side whenever she hears it and will often start to sing. She has recently started to have pretend tea parties and it is the most adorable thing ever. I love her so much and I live in constant awe of the fact that she is my daughter. I am looking forward to watching her grow over the years and I pray that we both have many years left on earth together!
