Changes to "The Plan"

            During the past two months Tim and I have had a few changes that we have had to deal with. Thankfully none of them have to do with my pregnancy and everything is okay with Gianna. We are still blessed by so much and we know that God will look out for us just the future is a little more uncertain now. We have learned in the past that things rarely go according to your plan, but of course I still try to plan out our life at least a few years in advance. I was already stressing myself out over the fact that Tim would be starting third semester around my due date and also trying to work full time. I knew it was going to be a really challenging time for both of us but he was going to finish nursing school in December of 2015 and then we would be a lot more financially stable once he got a nursing job. Of course I was also worrying about the possibility that it would be hard for him to find a nursing job and we would have to move. Notice that I tend to worry a bit too much about the future, especially when it is things that I can’t control? Well all of that worrying was wasted and I should have been noticing how stressed out by school Tim was becoming. Supporting me in pregnancy, working full time and being in nursing school was very challenging. Tim was doing really well on his exams but unfortunately nursing school still wasn’t meant to be. Through an unfortunate series of events, not fully in his control, his instructors decided that he lacked the confidence to become a nurse and just like that he was kicked out of nursing school.

            What are we going to do now?  This wasn’t part of the plan. It was really hard to deal with in the moment especially as I was approaching my third trimester of pregnancy. I didn’t blame Tim because I knew he had been working really hard and I was hurting with him. It was really hard to process that all of the sudden he was no longer in nursing school and we needed a new plan. Thankfully it removed a lot of stress from him and he still had a full time job, which we were very grateful for. As part of coping, I started to look into other medical careers that didn’t take a lot of schooling that would be a good fit for Tim. I found that community colleges in San Diego have a lot of healthcare programs which was great. Even though it was hard to deal with we trusted that God was going to lead Tim to another career which may be better suited for him. As of now Tim will be applying for programs to become either a Respiratory Therapist, Physical Therapy Assistant or Occupational Therapy Assistant. Tim interacts with all of these professions in the hospital and he is excited about the prospects. However, his acceptance into these programs is very much out of our control. Since they are funded in part by the state they have to accept people based on a raffle or wait list (basically they only accept a small number of people each year in order of when you applied). I am hopeful that he will be accepted into a program in the Fall but it is likely we will have to wait another year. This is going to be hard but we are going to trust in God and his timing.

            We have learned in the past that when things don’t go according to plan they usually end up working out better. One blessing is that Tim is more available to help with preparations for our baby and helping support me through the last trimester. He will be able to enjoy the birth of our daughter and the first few months of her life without being stressed about school. The only downside is that it definitely puts us into financial uncertainty for the next few years as he will go back to school and not be able to work full time. Our plan had been for me to take three months of maternity leave after Gianna is born and then return to work only two days a week when Tim could stay home with her. I wasn’t completely looking forward to that but I knew that it was necessary for our family at this point in time. I had been upfront with my work about this a few months ago and luckily they had been okay with it. Again, I began to stress unnecessarily about how I would be able to leave Gianna to return to work part time. About two weeks ago my boss called to let me know that the other managers had looked at the budget and essentially decided that I would need to come back full time if I wanted to keep my job. I felt like my plan was falling apart. Tim and I had just adjusted our plan to account for him no longer being on track to become a nurse and now I was learning I would essentially not have a job in April.

            When I called Tim to tell him the news, he did not freak out . After I assured him that I would still get paid maternity leave he assured me that we would be able to figure it out by then. We don’t really have a plan at this point but I have a few ideas of how I can supplement our income without having to return to work full time. I am hoping that God will also help us figure this out. I am confident that I will be able to find someone who needs help with childcare or I will be able to find a part time job that will have flexible hours so I can work when Tim is home with Gianna. It is definitely a stressor that I wasn't expecting to have so close to delivery but thankfully we have time to figure it out and my job will still be there if we can’t figure out an alternative and I have to return to work full time. I really do enjoy my job and have formed relationships with the mothers I counsel, especially mothers going through pregnancy at the same time as me. I absolutely love providing breastfeeding education and encouraging mothers that they can do it. I think I will go through some grieving about leaving my job completely, but I know my little Gianna will be worth it. Ideally I would want to be a full time stay at home mom but that isn't possible for us at this point in time and I hope that I can figure out a way to stay home with her as much as possible.

            The biggest challenge for me was letting go of the idea of attaining financial security where I wouldn't have to contribute to our income. I was being very selfish and not recognizing all of the blessings and gifts we have. We are so lucky to have a home and a way to support ourselves. I had to remind myself that struggling and suffering isn't a bad thing, it will actually make us stronger. I know so many women bringing children into this world in much worse situations and I know that Tim and I will be fine. As long as we work together and support each other we will get through any challenges that life brings us. I am so thankful to have him by my side because I know that he will be strong when I am weak. At the end of the day we don’t need much more than each other and our faith. Marriage is a wonderful, grace filled Sacrament and I am so thankful for it. Now that we have worked through this minor setback we are focused on meeting our baby girl in about six short weeks and we are beyond thankful that God has blessed us with her! 

Our Ultrasound: Meeting our Little One

I haven’t been blogging much lately because life has been busy. Tim has been back in nursing school for a month and we are both working full time. It has definitely been challenging and I am trying to be more helpful with house chores and cooking. I have also been feeling pretty tired and spending a lot of time laying on the couch and watching TV, but I am trying to change that! Anyways, back to the story. We had our ultrasound at the end of August when I was twenty weeks along. Before my ultrasound a lot of people were predicting that I was having a boy, and I had been pretty convinced as well. About a week before the ultrasound I realized I should also start bonding to the idea of having a girl so I wouldn’t be too surprised if I was having a girl. I started to get more excited about the idea of having a girl but I wanted to be happy with both outcomes. My main concern was finding out if there were any developmental defects, but again I had to learn to put that in God’s hands in trust in his providence. Overall I was mostly excited to see our baby and how much he or she had developed since the 8 week ultrasound! I wanted to know who this human growing inside me was.

                On the day of the ultrasound I worked in the morning and then took the afternoon off. Tim had to come straight to the appointment from school and we knew that he would probably hit traffic and be a bit late. I got to the appointment early and instead of waiting in my hot car I decided to check in early. Unfortunately they called me back within five minutes and were ready to start the ultrasound early. This made me nervous because Tim was only about to get out of class at that time.  The ultrasound technician informed me that they have to take me as soon as they can after you check in; I quickly called Tim to leave him a voicemail about what was happening. We started the ultrasound but I let the technician know that I wanted to wait until my husband came to find out the gender. It took me a little while to get oriented and figure out what I was looking at, but after I did it was really amazing! My favorite part was looking at how perfectly developed and intricate the spine was, I know that is really random but it was impressive. It also took away concerns of spina bifida. Everything looked really good and I could see the heart and everything! I would occasionally check my phone but Tim had not contacted me so I started to get worried. The ultrasound technician was really friendly and she told me about her three children and talking to her helped distract me from worries about where Tim was.

                Throughout the hour long ultrasound, we kept trying to get baby to change position because baby was head down and it was hard to get certain measurements and angles. The technician kept having me lay on my side, then lay on my back, then onto my other side. Baby was very stubborn.  Of course this made me think about labor and hope that we won’t have a similar problem.  She also had use the bathroom twice to see if that would get baby to change position, I even jumped up and down, nothing. About halfway through the ultrasound Tim finally arrived, what a relief.  I had told the technician that Tim was a nursing student and joked with her that she should quiz him on the baby’s anatomy. It was really nice because she gave him a run through of all the pictures she had taken and told him everything looked good (they aren’t really supposed to comment on anything and she hadn’t said anything to me haha). While Tim was there we continued trying to get baby to move, once she had me cough and baby finally moved but before she could take a good picture the baby moved back to the favored position. It was pretty funny and apparently in eight years of being an ultrasound technician she has never had a baby this stubborn! We finally got to the end and I had to remind the technician that we wanted to find out the gender. She showed us the perfectly formed genitals of a baby girl! I looked at Tim smiling and told him that he was right since he was convinced we were having a girl. We were both really happy to finally know who our little baby is, Gianna Rose Barbeau. One of my first thoughts walking out of the office was oh boy this means we have to handle teenage dating years with a girl first yikes! I know this is many many years away but having a girl is stressful. Aside from those concerns, I am so happy to have a little girl. After the ultrasound I went and bought a newborn dress it is adorable!

                We skyped with our families that night to share the good news because we could not wait or make them wait any longer. I had tried to rehearse using neutral pronouns in my story before we revealed the gender but my first attempt failed. We skyped with my family first and as I was telling them the story I accidentally said “she would not move” which my dad caught onto. My family was really excited to find out, I think they would be equally excited no matter whether it were a boy or girl though. She will be loved by many people. When we told Tim’s family I decided to just tell them sooner before I accidentally gave it away. The funny part was as we were about to announce that it’s a girl, Tim’s mom shouts it’s a boy! And we had to say sorry it’s actually a girl. She had a dream it was a boy and that was why she was convinced. I made a onesie that said “Gianna Rose Barbeau” to show them as we made our announcement and that was fun to share with them.  Everyone is so excited, especially the grandmas and the five aunts who can’t wait to shop for little girl clothes. I can’t even handle how cute baby girl stuff is, even Tim was surprised by how precious the dress I bought Gianna is.

                We are having a girl! It is going to be a really exciting adventure, even though it will be challenging at times. I am excited because I know she will be mommy’s helper as we have other children.  I want to thank everyone’s prayers for us during my pregnancy I really appreciate it. We definitely still need the prayers as we prepare to meet Gianna in January ! 

Being Mary to Elizabeth

     My first trimester of pregnancy was definitely challenging for me. I have never been good at suffering and that is something that I pray to become better at. I did not have as rough of a first trimester as many women do but it still wasn't easy for me. The first challenge I faced aside from emotional toll of worrying about the health of my baby, was adjusting to the new wave of hormones coursing through my body. I really can't explain how it felt but I truly did not feel like myself and it was very strange. I am normally a very warm and affectionate person towards Tim. When we are home I am often hugging him, cuddling on the couch or kissing him. My primary love language is physical touch. However, after a few weeks of being pregnant I realized that this aspect of my personality had changed. I was not that interested in any physical affection. This really concerned me because I did not feel like myself anymore. I wanted to be that warm cuddly wife but for some reason it was really difficult. Tim was really great at trying to understand the changes I was experiencing but it was really hard for me to explain because I did not understand it myself. Thankfully this part of pregnancy probably only lasted a few weeks and I started to feel more like myself again.
    Another challenging aspect of pregnancy was the fatigue. I am used to experiencing some occasional fatigue as a result of my allergies but this fatigue was really difficult. It seemed that all I could manage to do was get through the work day and as soon as I got home I would crash on couch. Most days I would try to nap in my car but it started to get too hot for that. Tim would make dinner for us and do the dishes. He was also doing the majority of the chores. On the weekend I would try to help out by doing laundry and maybe cooking dinner but that would exhaust all of my energy. All of the burdens of the housework started to take a toll on Tim who was also working full time and not sleeping well since I would make many middle of the night trips to the bathroom. Over time we worked through these challenges and started taking walks together in the evening which seemed to help me overall. Thankfully the fatigue has also become more manageable and I am trying to be more helpful around the house. 
     However, I really needed something to get me through that challenging time. What I often reflected on  was Mary visiting her cousin Elizabeth in her first trimester of pregnancy. We don't know how Mary experienced pregnancy since she was without original sin but I imagine she must have experienced some degree of the physical affects of pregnancy.  It is presumed that she did not experience labor pains since that was an effect of original sin but I would imagine she would at least experience the burdens of carrying a human being her womb for nine months. Soon after Mary found out she was pregnant with Jesus, she immediately traveled to aid her cousin Elizabeth with her pregnancy. While I was experiencing my first trimester , the significance of this really resonated with me. Rather than worrying about her own pregnancy she immediately set out to be a servant to another pregnant woman. Mary is always sensitive to our needs above her own. She is truly a miraculous woman and I needed some of her strength. Her strength came from the Holy Spirit and I needed to rely on it as she had her entire life. When I would find myself sitting at my desk at work wondering how I could make it though the day I would ask about Mary for help. If Mary could travel across the desert to help her cousin Elizabeth while pregnant, I could certainly sit at my comfortable desk and counsel a pregnant woman or a mother with children. 
     When I was able to keep myself from wallowing in self pity I found an even greater joy in serving others while pregnant. I still had rough days and I think I still left too many burdens on Tim but life started to get easier and more enjoyable. Once I started sharing my pregnancy with the women I was counseling I was blessed with wonderful connections. Motherhood is a universal sisterhood and we really should be helping each other through it. It is so much easier to support a woman struggling with nausea when I can relate on a deep level to her. It is so gratifying to be able to support a woman through pregnancy and be of service even when I am struggling to get through the day. I really enjoyed my job before but now that I am trying to be Mary to Elizabeth I am finding even more enjoyment and fulfillment in it. I feel strongly called to help support other pregnant women and mothers and I am really excited to work on starting a mother's ministry at my church! Even if you are not pregnant I would encourage you to think about ways you can be as Mary was to Elizabeth. Our beautiful mother is the best example of what we are called to be as women! 

I have included the excerpt form the Gospel of Luke and I encourage you to read and reflect on it! 

From The Gospel of Luke:

35 And the angel answered her, The Holy Spirit will come upon thee, and the power of the most High will overshadow thee. Thus this holy offspring of thine shall be known for the Son of God. 36 See, moreover, how it fares with thy cousin Elizabeth; she is old, yet she too has conceived a son; she who was reproached with barrenness is now in her sixth month, 37 to prove that nothing can be impossible with God. 38 And Mary said, Behold the handmaid of the Lord; let it be unto me according to thy word. And with that the angel left her.

39 In the days that followed, Mary rose up and went with all haste to a town of Juda, in the hill country 40 where Zachary dwelt; and there entering in she gave Elizabeth greeting. 41 No sooner had Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, than the child leaped in her womb; and Elizabeth herself was filled with the Holy Ghost; 42 so that she cried out with a loud voice, Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb. 43 How have I deserved to be thus visited by the mother of my Lord? 44 Why, as soon as ever the voice of thy greeting sounded in my ears, the child in my womb leaped for joy. 45 Blessed art thou for thy believing; the message that was brought to thee from the Lord shall have fulfillment

46 And Mary said, My soul magnifies the Lord;47 my spirit has found joy in God, who is my Saviour, 48 because he has looked graciously upon the lowliness of his handmaid. Behold, from this day forward all generations will count me blessed;49 because he who is mighty, he whose name is holy, has wrought for me his wonders. 50 He has mercy upon those who fear him, from generation to generation; 51 he has done valiantly with the strength of his arm, driving the proud astray in the conceit of their hearts; 52 he has put down the mighty from their seat, and exalted the lowly; 53 he has filled the hungry with good things, and sent the rich away empty-handed. 54 He has protected his servant Israel, keeping his merciful design in remembrance, 55 according to the promise which he made to our forefathers, Abraham and his posterity for evermore.
56 Mary returned home when she had been with her about three months; 57 meanwhile, Elizabeth’s time had come for her child-bearing, and she bore a son.[5]

A Life Giving Love

                Six months ago today, Tim and I vowed to love each other until death do us part. We also vowed that we would love each other freely, totally, faithfully, and fruitfully. In other words, we promised to strive to love each other as God loves us. That is not always an easy task but thankfully we have the grace of God bestowed upon us in the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony. Unfortunately, I think many who are married in the Catholic Church may not understand the promise they are making.  In order to fulfill that promise you must give everything to your beloved including your fertility. Every time Tim and I make love we are giving a total gift of ourselves and we always know that there is the possibility of conceiving a baby.

                When Tim and I were married we decided to practice natural family planning in order to avoid conceiving a child at that time as we discerned that we were not ready to provide for a child. At the time Tim was unemployed and we could not make ends meet on my paychecks alone. We also were hoping to have a better idea of when Tim will be back in nursing school as he is on the waitlist currently. Even though we knew it was a very responsible decision to make, which the Catholic Church actually encourages couples to make, it was difficult for us.  We both knew that part of our calling and vocation is to be parents and having this life giving capability but choosing to not fully embrace it was difficult. I had no idea how emotional it would be for me to finally have the physical possibility of getting pregnant (since I had never had sex before) but to continue getting my period knowing that I was not pregnant. Since Tim and I were charting my fertility and abstaining during my fertile periods this shouldn’t have surprised me, but for some reason it was painful for me to not conceive. Tim and I kept revisiting the topic of when we should be open to conceiving but we knew that it would make the most sense to wait until he had a fulltime job and we could plan around him being back in nursing school.

                God was truly working in our hearts to realize that we needed to trust in his plan and his timing. He was taking care of our baby before he or she was even conceived. In the first week of April Tim was offered a full time job at Scripps Mercy Hospital, the only Catholic hospital in San Diego. We could not believe how blessed he was to get a job at the perfect hospital for him. On the exact day that Tim was signing papers to accept his position, my boss called me into her office to let me know I was being offered a full time position with benefits and a raise! For the past 16 months at my job, I had been working as Per Diem which meant that I did not get paid time off or maternity leave. I could not believe how much God was taking care of both Tim and I, it was amazing that it happened on the same day!               

                The month before, in March I had a really confusing cycle and Tim and I had a hard time determining when I had ovulated. Due to that confusion, we really thought that I had conceived which actually brought some stress on us since Tim still didn’t have a job and I was per diem. I was so worried about not being able to have paid maternity leave. I also was very adamant that I did not want to have to work while I was pregnant or after the baby was here. I really wanted to be a stay at home mom so even if that meant we had to wait longer to have a baby I thought that would be best. However, going through that initial stress made us sit down and figure out a plan of how we could make ends meet if I worked through pregnancy and part-time after that . After going through that we were feeling a lot more ready to accept God’s blessing. Unfortunately I did not conceive that month which was hard as I had convinced myself that I was. I stared at multiple pregnancy tests trying to will that second line to show up, but I was not pregnant. We knew that God had everything in control and that this would give us more time to prepare for a baby. We actually decided that September would be a good time to try to conceive because we knew that even if Tim were in nursing school he would have summer off and could just work and focus on our baby.

                When we both got full time jobs with benefits the next month I could really see that God was blessing us for trusting in him.  I will be honest in saying that I was pretty confident that I knew my cycle pretty well and that I always ovulated later in my cycle than most people so Tim and I would start our abstinence period a few days later than strict NFP rules would permit. We were even using a clearblue fertility monitor so I knew that I always ovulated on day 17 or later, I never in my life have had a cycle shorter than a month! I am pretty sure it was the first time in my whole fertile period of my life that I somehow ovulated on day 13 which would put me at a 26 day cycle. When I noticed I ovulated early I was thankful that Tim and I had actually started our abstinence period two days earlier than usual and I hadn’t been seeing fertility signs at that time.  For those of you who are not familiar with how a woman’s fertility and conception work here is a little science lesson. If a woman has fertile mucus the sperm can actually survive up to five days before ovulation and a woman can become pregnant from intercourse that happened 5 days prior to ovulation. I was pretty confident that I didn’t have fertile mucus on our last day of love-making so pregnancy was not on my radar this time.

                About a week later I started to experience back pain that could have been menstrual cramps but somehow it felt different. I still did not think I was pregnant but on May 4^th I was in so much discomfort I could not sleep.  I randomly got up at 1:30 in the morning and decided to take a pregnancy test.  Almost immediately the first line appeared and then the cross appeared. I started at it in disbelief; since the second line was faint I wasn’t sure if it was actually positive. I went to get my phone so I could take a picture to show Tim later. He had to get up at 5:30 for work so I decided to not wake him up to tell him. I just laid in bed wondering if I was actually pregnant because I did not want to get my hopes up. I could not sleep so I went back to the bathroom and read the pregnancy test instructions to see what could cause a false positive. After reading that I was starting to think that I might actually be pregnant.  I decided to wait until Tim got home from work to tell him so it could be special.

                After Tim got home from work and took a shower, I asked him if we could pray together in our prayer corner. Since it was our 4 month anniversary I started by thanking God for all the blessings he has given us in these four months of marriage. Then I thanked him for trusting us with this special blessing and asked God to watch over me during my pregnancy. At that moment Tim realized what was happening and looked at me kind of shocked and starting weeping tears of joy. He then hugged me and I explained how I found out. It was such a perfect moment. He was so happy but we both were hesitant to believe that I was actually pregnant, just in case it was a false positive.

                On Monday, I called Culture of Life Family Services to see if they could fit me in to confirm that I was pregnant. They did not call me back until Tuesday but by the grace of God they had a cancellation and were able to fit me in that afternoon. It was so perfect because I already had that afternoon off. Tim had a training at Scripps until 4:30 so I would have to go by myself.  His training ended super early though so he was able to meet me there before my appointment, so many blessings! It was another blessing to be seen by Dr. Delgado who is one of the best Catholic doctors in San Diego and practices Naprotechnology. When I told him about the pain and cramping I was experiencing he informed me that there was a risk of either ectopic pregnancy or miscarriage with those symptoms.  My heart dropped, I have always had such a fear of miscarriage and I could not believe I may actually have to face it. He suggested I get my blood drawn and return for a progesterone shot just in case low progesterone was the reason for my cramping. Thanks be to God that I was able to start prenatal care literally 11 days post fertilization because it turns out I did have low progesterone and would have likely miscarried without those progesterone shots. I ended up needing to get a shot twice a week for the first 10 weeks of pregnancy until the placenta started making progesterone.  I am getting emotional thinking about how I could have lost my first baby if God had not provided for us so well. Thankfully I was very familiar with COLFS and Dr. Delgado so I knew that was the first place to go for prenatal care.  Another blessing was that they had an office two blocks down from where I work so I could easily stop by for my shots after work.  God was watching over the safety of our baby from the very beginning.

                Even though God never fails to show us his goodness and trustworthiness I had a very difficult time dealing with the fact that I had low progesterone and could possibly have an ectopic pregnancy. I was quite literally a mess the next day; I could not focus at work. I had trouble trusting in God no matter what. Tim was my rock and my reason through this difficult time. He encouraged me that even if our baby did die, it would be another soul in heaven which was a consoling thought. I also thought about our friends whose baby had died from Trisomy 13 shortly after birth, their experience reminded me that babies are a gift that God entrusts us with but ultimately he is the author of life. Even though it was hard to face that I truly had no control in this situation, I began to open myself to God’s will more and more and trust.

                We had our first ultrasound at 6 weeks which confirmed that the baby had implanted well and even had a healthy heartbeat.  That was such a relief but I still lived with a heavy heart that something could still happen to our baby. At 8 weeks we got to see another ultrasound which revealed, as Tim had repeatedly told me, that our baby was healthy and growing stronger daily! The last trial came before our 11 week heartbeat check, I was so afraid that we wouldn’t hear anything and clearly was still not trusting God. Of course the heartbeat was very strong, and it was so amazing to get to hear it with Tim! After this, Tim convinced me that our baby was healthy and I had no more reason to worry, just trust in God!

                Since this is already ridiculously long, I will write another blog about the changes of pregnancy and telling our families about our baby. I will end by encouraging others to trust God with their fertility because participating in the act of creation with God is truly the most amazing thing you will ever experience in life.  I still cannot believe that there is a life growing inside me, God is so good!

We used this photo to announce our pregnancy

Dealing with our Flawed Nature

         Recently Tim and I were talking with one of our friends and she was shocked to learn that we had lived together for about six months when we first moved to San Diego. We weren't living together in the sense that most couples are today, since Tim slept on the floor but it still can be shocking for people for to find out. It seems that since Tim and I were pretty vocal about the fact that we were striving for chastity that people tend to think we were perfectly pure and it is almost scandalizing to think we lived together. The truth is that even though we managed to keep our relationship chaste while living together it still wasn't appropriate or a good thing for our relationship. In retrospect, especially now that we are married, I can really see how problematic it was. There were times when it felt like we were playing house, even though we weren't sleeping together. I don't really share this with people because I am ashamed of it and I worry that it will tarnish how people view us and our relationship. The good news is that once I got a full time job, Tim and I both moved into separate places which thankfully occurred before we got engaged. I am so thankful we lived apart separately for a year before we got married because it really helped us to look forward to that aspect of our marriage.
     Now that I have given you some background information, I am going to the continue with the focus of this post. After we told our friend, I was really upset. I was so worried that now she wouldn't see us as an inspiration for living out chastity anymore. Tim helped me to figure out that it was my pride that was causing me to feel this way. Pride tends to creep in and cause problems for both of us on occasion. It was actually pride that prevented me from moving out on my own sooner. My parents had already helped out Tim and I financially with getting the first apartment and I was not able to humble myself to ask for help to move into a separate apartment. Instead, I waited six months until I found a part time job. Thankfully it didn't terribly damage out relationship but I really wish I had moved out sooner. I often talk about how Tim and I didn't really struggle in the chastity department, but that isn't the full truth. Hearing other people talk about struggles we can see how we were blessed that it wasn't as difficult for us but we weren't perfect either. My pride has and shame has caused me to try to push those bad memories out of existence but that isn't good. If we are honest with ourselves we can recall a few times where we really weren't being fully chaste. It hurts me to think that we weren't always perfect but isn't that true for all of us, we are all sinners.
     I know that I am not perfect and in a sense I am beautifully flawed in God's eyes but this is really hard for me to accept. The more I resist accepting this, the more I am pushing God out and convincing myself that I don't need his help. Of course, I really need God. Marriage is helping me to humble myself but it is still difficult for me as I imagine it is difficult for most people. Tim has to remind me that I need to humble myself and accept that I am not perfect and I am always in need of God's grace and a little help from the Holy Spirit. I wanted to share this because I think I need to as part of my personal journey but I hope it can be helpful to others as well. Even though I want to present a happy and perfect image to the world, Tim and I had real struggles in our relationship and that continues. We feel very passionate about sharing the message of Theology of the Body and God's plan for men and women but I think its hard to share with others if they think that we never struggled and in a sense aren't human. Even though I am happily married now and everything was part of our journey, it is still hard for me to accept the times we fell in our relationship. It's still hard for me to accept when I feel that I fail in loving Tim. Thankfully God is always there for me and the Holy Spirit continues to work in my heart. We are all flawed and we all fall short of perfection and not only is it okay but in a sense it is a blessing. We don't have to be perfect and God knows that we can't be. That is why he gave us the Sacrament of Confession and the other Sacraments. He knows we need help, a lot of help and he isn't going to be stingy with his grace. The image of Jesus saving Peter when he was walking on water and started to get scared and fell comes to mind. Peter trusts Jesus enough to walk out on the water to meet him but then he looks down and see the waves. He gets scared and starts to fall, without hesitating Jesus stretches his arm out to him and catches him. Jesus will never let us fall, no matter how much our trust and faith fails us. Isn't that comforting? Now I think I should start praying a prayer for humility or something....

What is Marriage like?

Freedom to love. God spent many years preparing both my heart and Tim’s heart to be able to enter into this Sacramental Covenant with each other. Without that preparation I think our experience thus far would be drastically different. Marriage is unlike anything else on earth, it points us towards the union we will experience with God in heaven. On earth, God’s fiery love begins the purification process and in marriage it does so in a special way. 

We were created in love, by love, and for love. If this is true why our society has such a negative view of marriage, yet at the same time we are obsessed with weddings and marriage. Why is marriage seen by some as the ending of one’s freedom? From my point of view it is the end of the freedom to be self centered but it gives way to a greater freedom, the freedom to love. Tim and I withheld some of our selves during our courtship in order to give ourselves fully in the Sacrament of Matrimony. When we were finally able to give ourselves to each other it was total, freely faithfully, and fruitfully. In our total gift of self we both realized the fulfillment of our masculinity and femininity and it was beautiful. We realized that God’s plan for our marriage is really wonderful. This doesn’t mean that there wasn’t any amount of awkwardness as both of us were rather naïve, but we were both able to be totally vulnerable and figure out God’s plan for our union together. I am sure some people would expect there to be nervousness about finally revealing our bodies after years of hiding them from each other. However, we knew God’s plan from the beginning. If we go back to the Garden of Eden, both Adam and Eve were naked without shame. Once sin entered the garden they covered themselves, not because their bodies were bad but because they had to protect themselves from lust. Well, Tim has shown me over the years that he loves me and that he has no desire to use me, to allow lust to overtake him. Because he had promised to lay his life down for me as Christ died for the Church, I was able to be naked without shame. It actually did shock me because our physical relationship changed so drastically yet we were both so comfortable and it was easy to be vulnerable with each other. I believe that this is what love should be. I don’t mean that every couple will experience God’s plan for union in exactly the same way but I was so amazed to finally understand what God’s plan has always been for the union of the sexes. 

I experienced almost an immediate transformation in my ability to love Tim freely. I still have my shortcomings but the grace that is bestowed on us in the Sacrament is powerful. It is still a challenge to put Tim’s needs before mine but I noticed it happening a lot more naturally. I also felt worse when I was being selfish and not loving Tim and God would want me too. A few weeks into our marriage it really hit me like a ton of bricks that I am responsible for ensuring that Tim makes it to heaven. If I lead us into sin, not only am I responsible for my sin but I am even more culpable for his sin. I will be honest that this realization scared me. I started to worry that I was too selfish and not capable of loving Tim in the way that I am called to in this vocation. I knew that I was not trusting God’s mercy and grace but I was still struggling. I went to Confession and explained my struggles to the Priest. The Priest was a gentle old Irish priest who clarified that I had only been married two weeks and that this would be something I will be striving to overcome for the rest of my marriage. He meant to comfort me and assure me that I can’t expect to be a perfect wife after only two weeks of marriage. I went to Confession two weeks later and it was a different Priest but the message was essentially the same. God is working through Tim to purify my heart with his fiery love. Sometimes it is hard, sometimes it is easy, but it is always a precious gift. God’s plan for my life is unraveling right before my eyes and it is really starting to make sense. I know that he has plans to break open my heart to have a larger capacity for love. I am feeling more and more like the woman I want to be. This process will continue for the rest of my life. One day the love between Tim and I will be so powerful that it will need its own name in nine months. I stole that idea from Gregory Popcak in his book “Holy Sex”; it brought tears to my eyes because it is so beautiful and so true. Although I feel more like a woman now that I am a wife, I know that God’s transformation has only begun and I will realize it on a whole new level once I am blessed to experience motherhood. 

So what is married life like? It is a journey that is already teaching me so much about myself, about Tim and about God.  It really is wonderful and blissful but that is among the challenges and difficulties. It is not for the faint of heart. You really need to be ready to give yourself fully in marriage. There is no hiding at all. It can be scary to be that vulnerable with someone but I recommend you only marry someone if you can trust them with everything, even the messy parts. I pray that people in relationships will really evaluate the person they are dating and their relationship because it would be really scary to move towards marriage if you are unsure about trusting and being vulnerable with that person. Please don’t settle, marriage is a lifetime deal and you need your spouse to be there with you no matter what, no matter how messy or hard things get. This post has taken on a life of itself and I hope I didn’t lose you. And that being said I have only been married six weeks, I am nowhere near an expert at all!