What is the best answer to a world filled with violence and fear?

         Babies. This is not a pregnancy announcement but something I have really been pondering lately. I think we are all aware that there is a lot of scary things happening in our country and around the world. I will admit that I have been really worried and afraid some days. And then we had a bible study with some of our friends to go over the Sunday readings. It was the readings for the feast of Christ the King and the Gospel talked about how Jesus is the alpha and the omega. Jesus has always been. Along with that God has always had a plan for the world. He gives us free world but he also knows what will choose to do with it. God already knows all of the bad things that will happen in this world and he also knows how he will save the world. In a way he already has saved the world through Jesus, but at the end of time he will be victorious and if we choose to follow him we will enter into eternal communion with him and there will be no more violence, fears, or tears. God has everything under control .Should I say that again? GOD HAS EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL. In other words we need to stop worrying about the future. It is difficult not to worry but this is where our faith in God can grow. We still need to pray for the grace to be able to trust God completely but we really need to stop worrying because it does not help us at all.

        Okay so what does that have to do with babies? When I have been reading about all of the violence in the world, I think about how much hate people are filled with and how much love they need. And then I see my daughter yelling at strangers trying to say hi to them and babbling away. She brings love and joy to strangers who may not have anyone in their life to smile at them. She brings the joy of God to others. I have become very convinced that the best way I can fight against the evil in this world is to raise my children to love others. If you have met my daughter you will see how her joy is contagious. I love it. She has no problem crawling up to people and smiling and laughing with them. And when I think about her growing up I know that she will make the world a better place in her own small way. Every child we bring into this world will impact the world in some way and we hope that it will be a positive way. It makes me so sad when people decide that they are done having children way before the end of their fertile years because they have no idea who they are missing out on. I can't imagine my life without my daughter. She is such a joy. Every child is so unique and special. And they will become an adult someday who can love and serve others and continue bringing joy into the world. I know that there are a lot of factors that determine how many children we can have but I ask you to please pray about it and consider being more open to life at this time if you are married.

         The world can be a scary place and I know a lot of people are afraid to bring children into this world. However, the world can also be a beautiful place especially within our homes if we bring Christ into our homes. We can overcome evil with the love of Christ and that starts in our home. We can't control the world but we can have at least some control over what happens in our home. And imagine if you have a loving home with 4, 5, 6, 7 or more children who become loving adults. Imagine how much that would impact the world! Being able to bring a child into this world is an immense blessing and we need to focus on that more. Children are amazing. Children are our future. Let's pray for our society to become more open to children.

“Do not abandon yourselves to despair. We are the Easter people and hallelujah is our song.”

― Pope John Paul II

Whats for Dinner : Take 1

            I really enjoy cooking and I think we do a decent job at eating healthy on a budget so I have decided to share more about our meals and join Simcha’s link up. My favorite websites that help me with meal planning are www.saymmm.com (where I store all of my favorite recipes) and www.cookinglight.com (where I get most of my recipes from!) Here we go

Sunday: Root Vegetable Minestrone

We had vegetarian friends over for dinner so I made one of our favorite vegetarian recipes. It is a perfect fall recipe with both butternut squash and turnips. When I was cooking I realized that I did not have any vegetable broth so I decided to try making my own. I used all the scraps from the vegetables I was cooking, added some spices and salt and then boiled it away for about 45 minutes. It turned out alright but next time I think I will try adding some ginger for a nice kick. I also omitted the bacon obviously. We actually used the crockpot to make it ahead of my Theology of the Body study group which worked out for the most part except that my husband added the pasta too early and it got mushy. All of the adults like it but the kids mostly ate bread and fruit, oh well! I forgot to take pictures whoops!

Root Vegetable Minestrone

Monday: Chicken Tortilla Soup

This is one of my favorite recipes, I love this soup! On Saturday I used the crockpot to cook the chicken ahead of time which also gave me a lovely chicken stock, it was awesome to have that prepared already when I got home from work. I use the recipe below as a base and made some small alternations. I used more chili powder and added some paprika. I also sautéed two green bell peppers with the onion to add more veggies. At the end I also added a can of rinsed black beans and quite a few squirts of lime juice. I found after many different attempts at making the perfect tortilla soup that lime juice is much more flavorful than lemon juice.

Chicken Tortilla Soup

Tuesday: Whole Wheat Pizza with veggies and pepperoni

I had to work late on Tuesday so I planned ahead for my husband to make this before I got home. We get whole wheat pizza dough at Trader Joes (it’s awesome) and then my husband added some sautéed onions, olives, mushrooms , feta cheese and mozzarella on top of some jarred tomato sauce. He added the pepperoni which I was not a fan of and did not feed to Gianna. Gianna ate a whole small slice, she loved it!

Wednesday: Taco Casserole

This is a super easy casserole to whip together on a weeknight. Tim was working late and I was able to entertain Gianna while I made it. I used ground turkey instead of beef and white corn tortillas instead of the chips.

Taco Casserole

Thursday: Caprese Turkey Burgers on Homemade Focaccia

Earlier this week I found a recipe for slow-cooker focaccia and I decided to try it. It turned out pretty well and I would definitely recommend it. I made a simple turkey burger with bread crumbs, Italian seasoning, and an egg. It didn’t hold together super well but it worked. And then I added a pesto spread, fresh mozzarella and sliced tomato it was delicious!

Slow Cooker Focaccia

Friday: We're celebrating my youngest sisters birthday so I won't be cooking! 

I will take more pictures next week! 

Raising up the Village and ending the Mommy Wars

                When I was taking my Certified Lactation Educator course, the instructor talked about how one of the biggest challenges women face today is isolation. Historically people lived in villages and helped each other out. Women learned how to breastfeed from other women and there was always someone to help if a woman was having a hard time. Motherhood and breastfeeding were at the center of the culture and community. Now it is more common for people to live far away from family and without that village to help with raising children. Raising children is tough, especially the first time around. I think a lot of the “mommy wars” stem from everyone just trying to do the best they can but still not sure if they are really doing a good job. In order to suppress our insecurity we compare ourselves to others and convince ourselves that how we are raising our children is superior and it makes us feel better. It is really hard to not compare myself to other moms and when I catch myself doing it I stop and remind myself that we are all just doing the best we can with the situations we are in!  We need community, we need support. I hope that if we can focus on helping other moms deal with their challenges rather than comparing ourselves we will all feel better.

We live three hours from my parents and Tim’s parents are up in Washington. I really wish that we lived closer but for the time being we need to stay here. I have recently been blessed that both my sister and brother now live within twenty minutes of us and it has been really great! Even though we live far from family, God has provided us with an amazing community. I wasn’t planning on getting pregnant during the time where our financial situation would require me to continue working full-time. I didn’t want to put my baby in daycare. However, we didn’t have to put our daughter in daycare because God brought two amazing people into our lives. Before Tim and I were even married we met Ben and Ivyvy at a relationship skills seminar hosted by St. Brigid’s which was 30 minutes from where we lived. We broke into small groups and ended up meeting them and discovered that they went to the same parish as us! Over the next few years they became some of our closest friends and we discovered that they only lived five minutes away from us. When I was pregnant I knew that I wanted to ask Ben to be Gianna’s godfather. I would have asked Ivyvy to be the godmother but since she is technically still Anglican she could only be a Christian witness. After Gianna was born and we realized that I would have to go back to work they offered to help watch her for free! They work from home and are able to have a flexible schedule. It has been such a blessing and a help to us and Gianna truly loves going to their house and has formed a very sweet relationship with them. I just can’t believe how God has put them into our lives. Another great example of our community is that earlier this week I asked if anyone could help watch Gianna for a day next week and my sweet friend Rita is actually taking the day off from work to watch Gianna. I was just blown away by her kindness. We couldn’t raise Gianna without this extra support God has provided us with.

Another great source of support has been my parent’s frequent visits down to help us with Gianna. It has been really wonderful watching them interact with her and to see how much she loves them. When Tim got sick a few weeks after Gianna was born, my mom stayed with us and took over his part in helping me with her. I would not have been able to keep pumping without her help. I can definitely see how we weren’t designed to raise children on our own. Both their lives and the lives of others are enriched when they help us raise them.

I have been blessed to have many other young mom friends who have also been a great support during this time. In addition to that I also have the internet to connect me with many other moms. Reading other blogs and participating in facebook groups for moms has been so helpful. I no longer feel alone but supported and encouraged. I have received advice on a variety of topics from sleep issues, feeding questions and even how to start disciplining an older baby. I really hope that we can stop the mommy wars and just focus on how we can support other moms in this difficult stage of life. If you see another mom acting judgmental please realize that she is probably insecure in her mothering skills and try to encourage her and be gentle!  Let’s focus on helping each other rather than comparing ourselves. We all fall short, we all do things we thought we never would and it’s okay. Let’s be gentle on ourselves because motherhood is the toughest thing in the world! 

What motherhood looks like at eight months.

I spent the first few months of Gianna’s life wanting her to grow up and for things to get easier. Things did get easier and now I want time to slow down. It is amazing to watch her grow physically, emotionally and mentally right before my eyes. Every day she is maturing and learning new things. I watch her in awe. Not to mention she has literally grown at least 10 inches since birth. She is no longer my little baby and it’s sad. Tim does not experience her growing up in the same way that I do. I think it is definitely a mom thing because he is still looking forward to when she is older and can have a conversation with her. I do look forward to the future but I am mostly trying to stay in the present moment.

When I felt like I was drowning during the first few months I had many friends assure me that it would get easier. The challenges of motherhood don’t necessarily go away but you do get more confident in your ability to mother and handle the tough situations. I am so glad I had the support of other moms during that tough time and I know they will be there in the future when I need them. I hope that we can stop the mom wars and just support each other because motherhood is seriously tough. Gianna still wakes every few hours at night and I am pretty exhausted most of the time but I love her so much it is worth it. I still hold her and bounce her to sleep and I love it. We recently moved her into her own room which was hard but I was waking up with every little noise she made and I couldn’t handle that anymore. She is doing fine and I still wake up pretty easily once she starts crying. I was ready to let her grow up in that regard but I am not quite ready to teach her to fall asleep on her own. It is weird that I sometimes get frustrated by how much she needs me yet at the same time I love it and it makes me sad thinking about when we will no longer have those middle of the night cuddles.

Gianna is really starting to develop her personality and we love it. She is pretty outgoing and loves to be around people, especially other children. It was really great to watch her interact with her second cousins when we went to Washington a few weeks ago. She likes to reach out and touch other people and its super sweet. Often when other people are holding her she will study their face and reach out and touch them. Her sweet little blue eyes love to stare straight into other people’s eyes. When we visited my in-laws in Washington my heart overflowed with joy watching how much love she is surrounded by. Being able to bring another life into this world who can bring so much joy to so many people is an immense blessing. I still can’t fathom how this little human being grew inside me for nine months. God is so good.

At eight months Gianna is fully crawling and loves to explore everything. Her favorite things to attempt to grab are shoes, remotes, and cords. Of course everything she is not supposed to have. We take her away from the items and say “not for baby” and we hope eventually she will get it. We are pretty sure she understands because she sometimes looks back at us before she crawls towards something she is not supposed to touch. She is very talkative and loves when you talk to her in whisper tones. It is like she is saying “yes you speak my language”. She is generally a pretty happy baby but gets fussy when she is tired or is repeatedly not able to grab the things she wants. It is fun watching her learn to play especially when she plays peek a boo by lifting a blanket over her head. Another thing she enjoys is crawling over us when we lay on the floor.

Another fun development has been watching her learn to eat and feed herself. We started with purees around six months but I was also giving her soft finger foods to practice feeding herself. She barely got anything to her mouth but she enjoyed the challenge and it allowed us to eat dinner without her fussing. In the past few weeks she has really been doing great and we are giving her lots of different things to try. She can eat pasta, bread, pears, zucchini, cantaloupe, watermelon, spaghetti etc. A lot of food still ends up in her high chair but she is probably eating about 50% of it now. I love watching her enjoy eating her food and how much better she is at eating things now. I would definitely recommend starting finger foods early because at eight months she is already eating some of the same foods we eat for dinner and it’s awesome.

I am sorry if this seemed like bragging but I am just so amazed and excited about my daughter growing up and the adventures that parenthood brings. If you are feeling overwhelmed in those first few months of parenthood it definitely does get easier!

When breastfeeding didn't work out like like I had expected it would. Part Two.

Here is Part One

             I felt crushed when I saw the scale and realized my daughter had lost weight. Babies are supposed to stop losing weight by day 5 and definitely not after day ten of life. My daughter was losing weight at one month. We measured her feeding in the office and found that she only ate 1.3 oz and at that age she needed at least 2 oz per feed. The LC suggested we rent a scale and weigh her feeds for an entire week and offer pumped milk or formula to supplement if she was not eating 2 oz. At home I would offer both sides and try to keep her on long enough by massaging my breasts to keep the milk flowing. And she would average only 1.3 oz per feed. I would also get that much when I would pump. The only time she would get 2 oz was if she slept a bit longer and it was 3 or more hours in between feeding sessions. I was trying to supplement her at the breast to increase my supply but if anyone has had to use a supplemental nursing system with a nipple shield and a fussy/hungry baby it is not easy. Gianna would frequently pull on the tubing or rip off my nipple shield and I would have to set her down to fix it while she screamed. When Tim was home he would help me but most of the time we were alone and we were overwhelmed by the feeding challenges. After a week of trying my best to keep Gianna feeding at the breast and supplementing when necessary we returned to the LC. That is when I heard the words that would crush me. She said that since Gianna was nursing well now the only problem seemed to be that I had low milk supply. I had worked so hard to establish my milk supply the first month and again I felt like a failure. She asked me so many questions but we could not determine the cause of my low milk supply. It was determined that I would have to continue to supplement long term and I would try taking a medication for the off label use of increasing my milk supply. Tim and I weren’t completely comfortable with me taking medication that I did not need but I was desperate to be able to produce more milk. The medication did seem to help me produce closer to 2 oz per feeding but as Gianna got older and needed more milk we will had to supplement.

At some point I gave up on the supplemental nursing system because it was too stressful and feedings were taking too long. I regret this decision because Gianna started to develop a bottle preference and would refuse the breast. Around two months getting her to latch became incredibly difficult. She would pull off and cry and it would be so hard to get her to stay latched and feeding. I discovered that I could offer the bottle first then trick her into latching after she drank some formula. Unfortunately this only worked for a short period of time and after two months she would only latch during the night and I would have to pump during the day. Around this time she stopped taking long enough naps for me to pump and life got more challenging and stressful. I would spend a lot of time getting her down for a nap and then I would start pumping only to have her wake up halfway through my session. I would try to get her to be calm while I finished pumping but I usually couldn’t do that. Sometimes I would be able to fit in a manual pumping session but it became challenging to maintain pumping every two hours. At this point I was seriously considering returning to work full time so that I could at least be able to pump routinely and save my supply. My supply started to drop even more. By the time I returned to work at 4 months I was only pumping about 6 oz from four pumping sessions. I tried power pumping, I tried mother’s milk tea, lactation cookies, but nothing helped. With my supply decreasing it was harder and harder to get Gianna to latch in the evenings.

Another layer to my challenges was dealing with anxiety and insomnia. When Gianna started having trouble napping during the day, I started to get really stressed about her lack of sleep. I was also stressed because I no longer had any time to pump. Every time I would get her to sleep I would be so tense and worried that she would wake up I wouldn’t even want to move. This eventually spread to nighttime as well. A few weeks after returning to work Gianna began waking every two hours or less at night. I would be so tense and worried that she would wake up that I wouldn’t fall back asleep before she woke up again. I would go to sleep at eight so that I could get a few hours of sleep and then most days I would go to work having woke up at midnight and then not fall back asleep before getting up for the day. It then got the to the point that I was so anxious about not being able to sleep that I had a few nights where I literally never fell asleep. Those days I would call in sick and thankfully Gianna’s godparents were able to watch her so I could get a few hours of sleep at home. I went to my doctor desperate for something to help me sleep and she screened me for postpartum depression. Thankfully I did not seem to have full blown PPD but I did have signs of anxiety/mild depression. I started medication for that and she recommended I try melatonin. With the melatonin I was able to fall asleep in the beginning of the night again but the rest of the night I usually did not get much sleep. With the medication I was finally not feeling tense all of the time and started to enjoy motherhood more. Unfortunately during the weeks I was not sleeping much I was also not pumping during the night. When Gianna stopped nursing at night I was too exhausted and desperate for sleep I didn’t want to risk losing any more sleep to pump. And honestly I was so depressed over my low milk supply and going through the effort to pump only one oz or less became really difficult.

By 4.5 months I was only getting 8 oz or less in 24 hours and it just kept dropped. My electric pump wouldn’t get milk out so I had to use a manual pump and my wrists started hurting from it! And then it got to the point where I would only get milk out by hand expression. I would spend 15 minutes to get less than an oz. I was exhausted, overwhelmed and dealing with losing my milk supply was super depressing. I would cry every time I thought about it or people asked me. At the end of May I started talking to Tim about how I was ready to stop. It was a hard decision and I had my last pumping session a few days before Gianna turned five months. If she had still been latching I would have kept breastfeeding but I could not handle pumping and only getting less than an oz. I am sure there are some mothers who would have kept going and maybe even tried harder to increase their supply but I couldn’t at that time. I still feel like it was the best decision for me. After I stopped pumping I was able to grieve the loss of a breastfeeding relationship with my daughter and move on. I was able to enjoy my time with her more fully without having to stress about when I could pump. I stopped beating myself up about not breastfeeding. It would be hard to think about how I wanted to breastfeed her for two years and didn’t even make it to five months. I would have days where I still feel like a failure. However, now that it has been two months since that time I am mostly at peace. I did breastfeed my daughter. She did get quite a bit of my breast milk and benefited from it. And I still cherish that one week of exclusive breastfeeding we had in the beginning. I keep trying to figure out what I could have done differently and I hope that breastfeeding will be different with my next child but I am at peace. Breastfeeding is complex and it is challenging. I hope that the next time you see a mother feeding her child formula that you refrain from judging her. I love my daughter so much and the fact that I do not breastfeed her anymore does not change a thing. I have learned so much from my breastfeeding journey and I hope that it can help other mothers. I have already been able to relate better to and support other mothers struggling with breastfeeding and that has been a huge blessing to me! 

When breastfeeding didn't work out like I had expected it would. Part One

I am a Certified Lactation Educator. I work for the WIC Program. Every day I teach women how to breastfeed and help them through breastfeeding challenges. I thought breastfeeding was simple as long as you knew what to do and that babies are born knowing how to breastfeed. I judged women who “gave up” on breastfeeding. I thought formula was awful. Everything changed when my daughter was born and they placed her on my chest and when we tried to get her to latch she just bobbed her head and cried not knowing what to do.

            At WIC we stress the importance of the “Golden Hour” after delivery where the baby should be placed skin to skin and allowed to initiated the first breastfeed. After my long delivery I was looking forward to that special moment. I tried to help her follow her instincts and find the breast. She was in a good position but just kept bobbing her head and she would not latch. Nothing I did would get her to latch. No one was helping me. Once we got settled in my recovery room I kept trying. The white board where we were supposed to keep track of how long she fed just read attempted feeding and how long we would try to get her to feed. My first nurse told me I had short nipples and that was the problem. My nipples looked fine to me….why wouldn’t my daughter latch? I am trying to help her but nothing is working! Occasionally we would get her to latch a tiny bit and suck but nothing that would count as an actual feed. I was getting desperate to be able to feed my daughter. Why was this so hard? I asked for a Lactation Consultant to come to our room and was told that they don’t come in the first 24 hours because moms and babies usually just need some practice. Are you kidding me? I need to latch my baby NOW! After 12 hours of not being successful the nurse suggested I start pumping. So I pumped the small amount of colostrum and we used a syringe with a tube to finger feed it to her. It was amazing how alert she would get after we fed her and sometimes that would help her have the energy to try to latch.

            The first night was rough. Poor Gianna would scream and scream and we had a hard time calming her down. I know that babies are born full and don’t need to eat much the first 24 hours but my daughter sure seemed hungry and frustrated. At the 24 hour mark our nurse told us the hospital policy was to start supplementing with formula if babies were not successfully feeding. I always tell people not to start formula in the hospital. Now that I was facing the decision I felt the frantic need to feed my daughter and since I wasn’t pumping much colostrum I agreed. I felt like such a failure but at the same time it made me feel better to know that my daughter wasn’t starving. We decided to go to a baby care class the following morning and it happened to be taught by a CLE . When she started talking about breastfeeding I cried. After the class I told her my frustration in that no one was giving me the help I needed and how discouraged I was. She was compassionate and gave me the hope I needed to continue. I don’t remember what time the Lactation Consultant finally came to my room but she came with another woman who was training to become an LC and they were both great. She confirmed that my nipples were fine and that wasn’t the problem. They suspected the problem was tongue tie and suggested a nipple shield. With their help we were able to get Gianna latched with the nipple shield and could hear her swallowing but they noticed she was still having some trouble.

            It was such a relief to finally get her latched! I think she had a few decent feedings after that but then we started having trouble again. I would ask for help with latching her but would always be waiting so long that we would have to give her formula to calm her down. We decided to stay in the hospital another night to get help from the LC before going home. The second night is a blur but I know that feeding was stressful and we were still struggling. The second LC helped me to latch her again but agreed that I would have to keep pumping and supplementing her if she was not feeding well at the breast.

            Once we got home things got worse. I was so exhausted and overwhelmed with feeding her. I would need Tim to help me calm her down and also supplement her with the finger syringe while I pumped. Breastfeeding was horrible. She would cry and I would cry. It took us two weeks to work out insurance problems to finally get her tongue tie corrected. I thought that would instantly fix things. After the procedure I tried to latch her but again she would bob her head even with the nipple shield. I felt so discouraged. I knew that I needed to get help but I was so exhausted and couldn’t make it to a breastfeeding support group. I was also struggling with my pride in thinking that I should know what to do and how to help my daughter breastfeed but I couldn’t. Throughout that time I was pumping every 2-3 hours and trying to latch her when she was calm. I started to not latch her as much because it was so stressful for both of us and it was seriously depressing me. Eventually we realized she was slurping more than sucking with the finger syringe so we switched to a bottle which seemed to help with her sucking. Finally at three weeks we were able to see an LC through our insurance. She was really supportive and helped give me some tips on getting Gianna to latch. Throughout the week we practiced more and started to improve. After our four week appointment with the LC we decided to try a week of not supplementing and only pumping and giving the bottle if she was too frustrated to feed. For one week my daughter was almost exclusively feeding at the breast, it was amazing! I never thought we would be able to get to this point after the first few weeks of struggles. I was so happy and relieved. I only had to pump and bottle feed her a few times. And no formula! I thought we were done with formula forever! And then we found out she had lost 3 ounces that week. I had thought breastfeeding was finally going well so this was really upsetting to me and again I felt like a failure. 

Gianna's Birth Story

Her birth story begins at my 37 week appointment when my OB shocked us by telling us that I was already 4 cm dilated and fully effaced. That meant theoretically my body was prepared for labor. I looked at Tim and then looked back at my Doctor with my jaw dropped. She laughed at my expression. Since it was the Monday before Christmas she advised us not to travel to my Aunt’s house for Christmas and to get prepared to have a baby within a week, definitely within two weeks. We were excited that we get to meet Gianna sooner than planned but more than a little freaked out as well. Right away we told our family the news and they agreed that we should stay close to home for Christmas.

            We attended midnight Mass and I was feeling semi-regular contractions during Mass. Could this be it? Was I going into labor on Christmas Eve!? The contractions stopped when we got home and I wouldn’t have regular contractions until the following Sunday. Everyone had told us the 5-1-1 rule for going to the hospital. We were supposed to wait until my contractions were 5 minutes apart or less , lasting one minute in length for at least an hour. I was worried my labor would progress quickly so on Sunday December 28^th when my contractions were consistently five minutes apart or less I told Tim we should go to the hospital. They had us walk around for a few hours to monitor my progress and early Monday morning we were told to go home. The nurse expected we would be back within 24 hour and I would fully be in labor. The rest of the week continued with contractions coming and going it was exhausting and I wasn’t sleeping. We made it to my 38 week exam that Friday and my doctor was surprised to see that I wasn’t in labor. I wasn’t amused. We discussed the option of stripping my membranes but decided to wait another week for that. After my appointment I decided that I needed to relax so I got a pedicure. My family came to visit that evening and we went to dinner. Once we got home I had been experiencing contractions and I told Tim I wanted to try a few things to help trigger labor, including bouncing on my exercise ball. I was ready to get this baby out. We decided that my contractions weren’t close enough to stay up and that we should go to bed.

            After having contractions through the night I woke up at 6 am and decided that I was going to have this baby that day, Saturday January 3^rd. It was one day before our 1 year wedding anniversary. I started to time contractions and they were about 5 minutes apart. I decided to wake up Tim and let him know it was going to happen today. My contractions were not consistent but were increasing in intensity so we decided to go for a walk and then head to the hospital after lunch. By that point I was in crazy lady mode and told Tim that I was not going to let them send me home, I was in labor. We got triage and again we were going to have to pass the two hour test. We walked around and took breaks with my contractions increasing to the point of making me want to cry. I was excited because I knew that it was finally happening. Luckily I dilated enough for them to admit me even though my darn contractions still weren’t regular. I may have cried and told the nurse I couldn’t handle going home even if it meant I might have a long labor ahead of me.

            It was about five pm before we finally got settled into our room and met our lovely nurse. We spent about an hour getting the room set up and going through our list of prayer intentions. I had to be on the monitors for twenty minutes every hour. This part was my least favorite because I had to be in the bed and it was harder to cope with my contractions. I was experiencing a lot of pressure and pain in my back which seemed to confirm my greatest fear, back labor. Tim was absolutely wonderful at helping me cope with my contractions, he would rub and put pressure on my back and help me in any way he could. When my contractions would start he would jump into place and never complained. I felt like we were a really great team and I loved him so much for being so involved in my labor. Since my contractions were still not very regular the nurse suggested we walk the halls to try to speed things along. We would walk and then I would stop and hang out to the railing when a contraction started. I found that swaying my hips while Tim rubbed my back seemed to work the best. I didn’t really care how silly we looked; everyone would know I was in labor anyways. Shortly after we started walking around we ran into my OB who had just come on duty. She told me based on my contractions and how I was coping that I wasn’t in actual labor. This made me furious because I knew that I was in labor! Luckily she decided to check me and realized I had dilated to 6 cm and actually was in labor. In an effort to help me progress we decided to strip my membranes but not break my water yet. That procedure was extremely uncomfortable but I breathed through it and remained calm. Both my OB and Nurse said that they had never seen someone stay so calm during that procedure. I felt vindicated that I was actually in labor just coping really well.

            I will fast forward four hours. Over the next four hours we repeated walking around and then going back to the room for monitoring. My contractions were definitely getting more intense and closer together. I was starting to not cope as well but figured I must be close to transition. I remember telling Tim that I better be close to 8cm when my OB came back to check me. That is why I was shocked when four hours later I was still stuck at 6cm. I felt discouraged. How could I have spent the past four hours trying to relax through increasing contractions for nothing!? At that point I agreed to have my water broken. After my water broke things got really intense and fast. I was jumping around the room like a crazy woman with Tim trying to keep up with me. My methods of coping weren’t working anymore. The combination of not knowing how long it would be until I was ready to push and the intensity of the pain lead me to consider an epidural. At first it was just during contractions that I would tell Tim I needed the epidural but after half hour it was decided and Tim thankfully supported my decision. I was exhausted. Unfortunately it would be at least an hour weight so I ended up getting pain meds via my IV first. Those are two things I said I wouldn’t do.

            Five minutes before the clock struck midnight and it was our wedding anniversary I was finally feeling some relief from the pain meds and could smile at Tim and told him happy anniversary at midnight. We were going to have our baby on our wedding anniversary. An hour later I got my epidural and it felt strange to be able to rest. Tim felt useless and even got to nap half hour. Around two am my nurse decided it was time to get the room ready for pushing. I didn’t realize how much the room has to be prepared and how many people have to be on call for the event. I was so naive I thought I would be pushing with my OB the whole time; I was confused when my nurse gave me instructions and told me to start. Since I had an epidural, the nurse had to tell me when my contraction was starting but it actually wasn't that difficult to get the hang of pushing. However, as labor had taught me, even though my efforts were good my baby still wasn't progressing much down the birth canal after an hour of productive pushes. My nurse figured out that Gianna’s head was slightly tilted to the side and confirmed that she had been sunnyside up and must have rotated during labor just not fully. My OB was called in and helped to rotate her head. She ended up staying since Gianna’s heart rate had been dropping slightly and I had to be on oxygen. That was scary because I felt like it was somehow my fault. The last half hour of pushing because exhausting but it was worth it once my Gianna finally came out. I was beyond thankful that I did not need a C-section. Once Gianna came out they noticed her umbilical cord had been compressed and that is why her heart rate had dropped. She came out crying and healthy though! My first thoughts were “wow she is really dark and looks more Filipino like Tim” it’s funny those were my first thoughts.  After Tim cut the cord I was able to hold her and attempted to latch her. She didn't

really latch and that was just a sign of the breastfeeding struggles to come but I was so happy to finally meet her! I couldn't fathom how she had been inside of me moments before and now I was holding her in my arms. I was surprised to learn that she was 19.5 inches and 7lbs 3 oz which was bigger than I expected since she was a week early! She was quite the anniversary present and we love her so much! Twenty four hours after I woke up determined to have my baby she was born and amazingly I wasn’t as exhausted as I would have expected. Gianna Rose Barbeau was born at 5:45 AM on Sunday January 4^th, 2015.