I have touched on this topic in an earlier post but I was having trouble sleeping at 3 am and after praying I decided that this was something that needed further attention. Lately I have really been faced with how selfish I can be and how much I really need to learn to die to myself in order to prepare for marriage. We have been having a relationship skills series at St. Brigid's and this past week we learned about understanding expectations. Expectations have caused many conflicts in my relationship with Tim. Some of them are normal especially in regards to communication. My view of communication is shaped by my feminine hard-wiring and his view is definitely shaped by the fact that he is male. This is something that we have been working through and as a result I have grown more comfortable with his silence and he has learned to talk more and express himself more. We have been dating 31 months and communication is something we will continue to work on for the rest of our lives. It has been a struggle at times but it has allowed us to grow into better people.
Here is the tricky part. In the relationship skills series we learned that there are four steps to learning to deal with and work through expectations. The first one is to become aware of your own expectations since a lot of them are unconscious. Then you evaluate them to figure out which expectations are unrealistic. If they are unrealistic you have to somehow learn to let them go even if you have held to them for years. Then once you decide which expectations are reasonable you need to communicate them lovingly to your partner. Lastly you negotiate how to manage the expectations and create a share vision together. Expectations only become valid when mutually agreed upon. I don't know about you but this was a tough pill for me to swallow. I have some expectations that I think are completely reasonable but Tim thinks are not. This will be something I will have to spend time reflecting on deeply. I know that Tim loves me and wants to work with me on this but nonetheless I know that it will not be an easy process for me.
It is incredibly difficult to be faced with the reality of our selfish nature and how it really is incompatible with loving another person more that our self. I know that I tend to me too hard on myself and that I am probably not as selfish as I feel that I am but this is still something I am struggling with. It is not enough to want to die to yourself, you have to actually do it. However, God has been showing me that this is not a negative process it is truly a beautiful process that we all go through in life. Yesterday I had the pleasure of attending a Ladies Breakfast at St. Brigid's and we had a parishioner come talk to us about marriage (she has fifty years of experience). She told us that marriage can be incredibly difficult at times but it allows us to see our true selves reflected in the other person. We have the opportunity to face all of our flaws and selfish tendencies and God gives us the grace to overcome it. Marriage allows us to grow in holiness with our spouse.
When we think of marriage as allowing us to purify our hearts and desires we can see how a marriage truly lived out as a Sacrament is a one way ticket to heaven. Ironically, at the same time the ladies were learning more about marriage the men were discussing humility. Humility is really the core of this whole process. We must humble ourselves at the foot of the cross and embrace our humanity and all of the flaws associated with it. The love of ones spouse and God combined together can give us the strength to face anything. At times I am scared to face my flaws but this is simply a lack of faith. Somehow I think that God is not capable of purifying my heart and desires to be selfless and altruistic. When I get disheartened I have to give myself a reality check and almost laugh at myself because I know God is more than capable of giving me the grace I need to love Tim as he loves him! There is nothing God cannot help us with if we fully accept and cooperate with the grace he gives us. As Tim likes to remind me that sometimes we can pray and pray for God's help but then it requires for us to take actions no matter how hard and humbling it is! Thank God for all of the love and blessings he bestows on us when we are striving to follow his path of goodness.
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