Dealing with our Flawed Nature

         Recently Tim and I were talking with one of our friends and she was shocked to learn that we had lived together for about six months when we first moved to San Diego. We weren't living together in the sense that most couples are today, since Tim slept on the floor but it still can be shocking for people for to find out. It seems that since Tim and I were pretty vocal about the fact that we were striving for chastity that people tend to think we were perfectly pure and it is almost scandalizing to think we lived together. The truth is that even though we managed to keep our relationship chaste while living together it still wasn't appropriate or a good thing for our relationship. In retrospect, especially now that we are married, I can really see how problematic it was. There were times when it felt like we were playing house, even though we weren't sleeping together. I don't really share this with people because I am ashamed of it and I worry that it will tarnish how people view us and our relationship. The good news is that once I got a full time job, Tim and I both moved into separate places which thankfully occurred before we got engaged. I am so thankful we lived apart separately for a year before we got married because it really helped us to look forward to that aspect of our marriage.
     Now that I have given you some background information, I am going to the continue with the focus of this post. After we told our friend, I was really upset. I was so worried that now she wouldn't see us as an inspiration for living out chastity anymore. Tim helped me to figure out that it was my pride that was causing me to feel this way. Pride tends to creep in and cause problems for both of us on occasion. It was actually pride that prevented me from moving out on my own sooner. My parents had already helped out Tim and I financially with getting the first apartment and I was not able to humble myself to ask for help to move into a separate apartment. Instead, I waited six months until I found a part time job. Thankfully it didn't terribly damage out relationship but I really wish I had moved out sooner. I often talk about how Tim and I didn't really struggle in the chastity department, but that isn't the full truth. Hearing other people talk about struggles we can see how we were blessed that it wasn't as difficult for us but we weren't perfect either. My pride has and shame has caused me to try to push those bad memories out of existence but that isn't good. If we are honest with ourselves we can recall a few times where we really weren't being fully chaste. It hurts me to think that we weren't always perfect but isn't that true for all of us, we are all sinners.
     I know that I am not perfect and in a sense I am beautifully flawed in God's eyes but this is really hard for me to accept. The more I resist accepting this, the more I am pushing God out and convincing myself that I don't need his help. Of course, I really need God. Marriage is helping me to humble myself but it is still difficult for me as I imagine it is difficult for most people. Tim has to remind me that I need to humble myself and accept that I am not perfect and I am always in need of God's grace and a little help from the Holy Spirit. I wanted to share this because I think I need to as part of my personal journey but I hope it can be helpful to others as well. Even though I want to present a happy and perfect image to the world, Tim and I had real struggles in our relationship and that continues. We feel very passionate about sharing the message of Theology of the Body and God's plan for men and women but I think its hard to share with others if they think that we never struggled and in a sense aren't human. Even though I am happily married now and everything was part of our journey, it is still hard for me to accept the times we fell in our relationship. It's still hard for me to accept when I feel that I fail in loving Tim. Thankfully God is always there for me and the Holy Spirit continues to work in my heart. We are all flawed and we all fall short of perfection and not only is it okay but in a sense it is a blessing. We don't have to be perfect and God knows that we can't be. That is why he gave us the Sacrament of Confession and the other Sacraments. He knows we need help, a lot of help and he isn't going to be stingy with his grace. The image of Jesus saving Peter when he was walking on water and started to get scared and fell comes to mind. Peter trusts Jesus enough to walk out on the water to meet him but then he looks down and see the waves. He gets scared and starts to fall, without hesitating Jesus stretches his arm out to him and catches him. Jesus will never let us fall, no matter how much our trust and faith fails us. Isn't that comforting? Now I think I should start praying a prayer for humility or something....

What is Marriage like?

Freedom to love. God spent many years preparing both my heart and Tim’s heart to be able to enter into this Sacramental Covenant with each other. Without that preparation I think our experience thus far would be drastically different. Marriage is unlike anything else on earth, it points us towards the union we will experience with God in heaven. On earth, God’s fiery love begins the purification process and in marriage it does so in a special way. 

We were created in love, by love, and for love. If this is true why our society has such a negative view of marriage, yet at the same time we are obsessed with weddings and marriage. Why is marriage seen by some as the ending of one’s freedom? From my point of view it is the end of the freedom to be self centered but it gives way to a greater freedom, the freedom to love. Tim and I withheld some of our selves during our courtship in order to give ourselves fully in the Sacrament of Matrimony. When we were finally able to give ourselves to each other it was total, freely faithfully, and fruitfully. In our total gift of self we both realized the fulfillment of our masculinity and femininity and it was beautiful. We realized that God’s plan for our marriage is really wonderful. This doesn’t mean that there wasn’t any amount of awkwardness as both of us were rather naïve, but we were both able to be totally vulnerable and figure out God’s plan for our union together. I am sure some people would expect there to be nervousness about finally revealing our bodies after years of hiding them from each other. However, we knew God’s plan from the beginning. If we go back to the Garden of Eden, both Adam and Eve were naked without shame. Once sin entered the garden they covered themselves, not because their bodies were bad but because they had to protect themselves from lust. Well, Tim has shown me over the years that he loves me and that he has no desire to use me, to allow lust to overtake him. Because he had promised to lay his life down for me as Christ died for the Church, I was able to be naked without shame. It actually did shock me because our physical relationship changed so drastically yet we were both so comfortable and it was easy to be vulnerable with each other. I believe that this is what love should be. I don’t mean that every couple will experience God’s plan for union in exactly the same way but I was so amazed to finally understand what God’s plan has always been for the union of the sexes. 

I experienced almost an immediate transformation in my ability to love Tim freely. I still have my shortcomings but the grace that is bestowed on us in the Sacrament is powerful. It is still a challenge to put Tim’s needs before mine but I noticed it happening a lot more naturally. I also felt worse when I was being selfish and not loving Tim and God would want me too. A few weeks into our marriage it really hit me like a ton of bricks that I am responsible for ensuring that Tim makes it to heaven. If I lead us into sin, not only am I responsible for my sin but I am even more culpable for his sin. I will be honest that this realization scared me. I started to worry that I was too selfish and not capable of loving Tim in the way that I am called to in this vocation. I knew that I was not trusting God’s mercy and grace but I was still struggling. I went to Confession and explained my struggles to the Priest. The Priest was a gentle old Irish priest who clarified that I had only been married two weeks and that this would be something I will be striving to overcome for the rest of my marriage. He meant to comfort me and assure me that I can’t expect to be a perfect wife after only two weeks of marriage. I went to Confession two weeks later and it was a different Priest but the message was essentially the same. God is working through Tim to purify my heart with his fiery love. Sometimes it is hard, sometimes it is easy, but it is always a precious gift. God’s plan for my life is unraveling right before my eyes and it is really starting to make sense. I know that he has plans to break open my heart to have a larger capacity for love. I am feeling more and more like the woman I want to be. This process will continue for the rest of my life. One day the love between Tim and I will be so powerful that it will need its own name in nine months. I stole that idea from Gregory Popcak in his book “Holy Sex”; it brought tears to my eyes because it is so beautiful and so true. Although I feel more like a woman now that I am a wife, I know that God’s transformation has only begun and I will realize it on a whole new level once I am blessed to experience motherhood. 

So what is married life like? It is a journey that is already teaching me so much about myself, about Tim and about God.  It really is wonderful and blissful but that is among the challenges and difficulties. It is not for the faint of heart. You really need to be ready to give yourself fully in marriage. There is no hiding at all. It can be scary to be that vulnerable with someone but I recommend you only marry someone if you can trust them with everything, even the messy parts. I pray that people in relationships will really evaluate the person they are dating and their relationship because it would be really scary to move towards marriage if you are unsure about trusting and being vulnerable with that person. Please don’t settle, marriage is a lifetime deal and you need your spouse to be there with you no matter what, no matter how messy or hard things get. This post has taken on a life of itself and I hope I didn’t lose you. And that being said I have only been married six weeks, I am nowhere near an expert at all!

Beauty to Unveil

         Months ago I decided  to start wearing a mantilla (veil) to Mass. I have been thinking about blogging about my decision to wear a veil and my experience so far but I have been putting it off.  God is really pushing me to share so here I go. I want to start off by saying that I hope to encourage women to try wearing a veil as I have found it to be a wonderful tradition, but it does not mean that I think any less of women who do not wear a veil to Mass. After reading a few blogs about reviving the tradition of wearing a veil to Mass, the idea was attractive to me and I decided that I wanted to try it.

        Originally I was planning on waiting until my wedding day to start wearing my veil. I was planning on wearing a simple mantilla in the wedding and then continuing to wear that veil to Mass after the wedding. Even though that would have been beautiful, I quickly realized that I didn't want to wait that long. The idea of wearing a veil and walking down the aisle to my bridegroom (Tim) is such a beautiful image and I am really looking forward to it but Jesus will always be my first bridegroom. I hope I can adequately explain this so it doesn't sound like a polyandry or anything like that haha. Jesus is the bridegroom and the Church is his bride. As a baptized Catholic, I am part of the Church, I am part of the Body of Christ. Jesus sacrifices everything for his bride, his church, me. I have been working on approaching communion with a deep reverence and understanding that I am consuming the true body of Christ. By wearing a veil, I feel as though I am a bride approaching my groom at the altar, Jesus. This has been a beautiful and rich experience for me, especially as I am preparing to marry Tim. For this reason alone, I love wearing my veil but there are other reasons.

       Being a young woman wearing a veil in church is not a common thing. At first I was really nervous and did not want to stick out in church. However, I realized that I needed to pray for humility and not worry what others were thinking and that has been a freeing experience. We should never be concerned with others thoughts during Mass, we are there for Jesus. I also don't have to worry about what my hair looks like so that is definitely a plus. There is also an element of modesty associated with wearing a veil. A woman's hair is truly one of her wonderful feminine characteristics and by wearing a veil it shows that she has beauty to unveil. Men are not immune to lusting just because they are in a church , but I personally thinking seeing a woman in a veil would lead men to be in awe of her beauty and virtue rather than dealing with lust .Also, by wearing a veil it makes me want to dress more modest because I would feel awkward wearing a veil with a tank top or short dress. It has also inspired me to dress nicely for Mass and I have really enjoyed that.

       I am so blessed to be called to the Sacrament of Matrimony but I also love the Sacrament of Holy Orders. I love nuns, I get excited every-time I see one. Recently I went to pray at St. Therese of Carmel and I saw a nun in the school hugging and kissing a small child who was being picked up by his mother. It was so beautiful. Nuns are beautiful women of Christ and they get to be married to him exclusively. In marriage I will be balancing my relationship with Tim and Jesus, which I am looking forward too don't get me wrong. There is just something so beautiful about men and women giving their ENTIRE life and being to Christ. This may seem like a tangent but when I wear my veil in Mass in a small way I feel connected to my sisters wearing their habit. I also feel connected to my Holy mother of God, Mary. And I really love Mary! I try to pray every day to grow in loving as Mary loved and by wearing a veil I remind myself that I am called to be like Mary in a sense by bringing Christ to the world with love.

      After a few months of wearing my veil I really don't think I will go back to not wearing a veil. I carry it in my purse at all times so I am ready if I decide to go to daily Mass or Adoration. While on a retreat I didn't wear the veil since we went to outdoor Mass and it definitely felt weird. I surprisingly haven't had too many people ask me about wearing the veil. Most of it has occurred when I visit my family and wear the veil to church with them. It is pretty rare to see anyone wearing a veil there, including older women. However, the responses I have received after were very positive and one woman actually asked me where I got mine so that she and her daughter could start wearing one :) The other responses have been people assuming I normally go to a Latin Mass and that I somehow got lost haha. There is a lot of confusion as to why I would wear a veil even though I am not attending a Latin Mass so hopefully this clears up the confusion! By the way I chose a simple black lace Mantilla that I bought at a Catholic store in Camarillo for only nine dollars. And when I went to the store I didn't even know what I was looking for because when I asked for a "liturgical veil" I got a blank stare and the lady eventually realized what I meant was Mantilla. I didn't know the lingo but my heart knew that I wanted to wear one.

       
     

Running Straight into the Arms of Love Itself

        Lately I have not had much time for blogging. It is less than three months away from my wedding and I am working full time, taking a class on Infant and Toddler Development, leading a book club and starting this week I will be teaching 5th grade Catechism classes. I am really blessed by all of these activities but it does not leave much time or energy for blogging. However, people have been telling me that they really enjoy reading my blogs so I will try to post at least a few times a month. 

       Now I will get to the topic at hand. Last weekend Tim and I helped to facilitate a young adult retreat for 140 young adults from all over San Diego. It was such a wonderful weekend up in Julian. I always love having the opportunity to watch people encounter Jesus in new ways and also see how God plans to use the weekend to nurture me and my faith as well. One of my favorite part of retreats is the opportunity to experience the combination of praise and worship, Adoration, and Confession. It is an experience beyond what words can describe. Sitting and kneeling in Adoration before Jesus is the best way to prepare my heart to meet him in the Sacrament of Confession. Having beautiful music in the background alternating with periods of silence really helps to center and to focus me. 

       After a while in Adoration I decided to join the line for Confession. We had six priests for 140 people so there was a continuous line for two hours and it was a really beautiful thing to witness. While I was waiting in line I was kneeling and staring at the Monstrance on the altar. Next to the altar was a statue of the Sacred Heart of Jesus with his arms of mercy and love outstretched towards me. I close my eyes and imagined myself being the prodigal daughter running into the arms of Jesus and having him embrace me with a huge smile and warm hug. It was such a beautiful moment and it was showing me exactly what was about to happen when I confessed my sins to the Priest. Even though I was ashamed of things I had done and that I hadn't always pleased God with my actions, I knew that he would receive me with love and forgiveness. After this image I continued to pray and prepare my heart for Confession but instead of the anxiety I usually felt I had joy. I had to go outside to meet the Priest for Confession and it was getting dark but I could still see his face while I confessed my sins (sometimes through tears- I usually end up crying) and he was smiling at me. I really laid my sins out there and he received them with such love and mercy. Instead of giving me a standard penance he actually responded to my difficulties and gave me a penance that actually helped me to address the underlying cause of my major sins. I imagine Jesus was smiling down upon us thinking that this is what the Sacrament should look like. After I received absolution I went back inside and kneeled before the Monstrance on the Altar. I felt so light and free it was amazing. I have never quite felt that way after Confession! My soul felt clean, or as Father Calloway likes to explain it, I had my spiritual diaper changed! 

Jesus had wrapped me up in his love just as he had shown me in the image of running into his arms of love. I have been struggling with getting to regular Confession at least once if not twice a month but now I know I definitely don't want to stay away from his merciful arms of love!

      There are many aspects of the Catholic Faith that I feel incredibly blessed by but I felt really called to share this experience of mine. Having the opportunity to experience Adoration and Confession at the same time is beyond moving I can't encourage people to seek it out enough. Also, if you are planning a retreat I strongly encourage you to include this component it will change lives :)

Living the Eucharistic Pattern: Given

       Broken and given are very closely related to each other as I alluded to in the previous post. Not only must we be broken in order to be given (shared) but the way we are broken actually shapes how we are given to others. The unique way we are broken is directly linked to how we can be given. The majority of ministries that exist come out of someones suffering and desire to help those who are suffering in similar ways. If people are able to overcome their brokenness through God's grace they are usually inspired to help those struggling in the same way that they were. If someone was abused as a child they can relate to children in abusive homes in ways that someone on the outside never could. This is so beautiful and inspiring to me. When I was involved with International Justice Mission, I was so inspired by how they help the victims of human trafficking become advocates and counselors to help other victims. Being able to make something beautiful out of suffering is something that we learned from Jesus on the cross.

    Everyone has had difficulties in life and if we hold onto our brokenness and turn inward in our suffering who knows how many people won't get the help they need because we aren't allowing ourselves to be given. Katrina pointed out that we are called to give of ourselves not only in life but also in death. We can see death as putting out a lamp because they dawn has come. Death is not something negative but something positive especially when we have an eternal perspective. A few weeks ago, the founder of Made in His Image came to San Diego to talk about her life journey. Maura Byrne grew up being broken by years of sexual abuse by a family member and later developed an eating disorder as a method of trying to cope with her pain. After college, Maura knew that she needed to get help and sought treatment from a Catholic Psychiatric center. She had a long process of healing but what helped her most was knowing that she was made in God's image and that she had dignity and deserved love just because of that fact, there was nothing she could do to gain or lose his love. Eventually Maura realized that God was calling her to reach out to others who had been the victims of sexual abuse or were struggling with eating disorders and she founded Made in His Image in 2011. The unique ways in which she was broken lead her to precisely how God wants her to be given to others. In only two years many women's lives have been completely changed by Maura inviting her God into her brokenness and allowing herself to be given in a unique way. I recommend that you look into her ministry because it is truly beautiful and it will be moving to San Diego soon which is very exciting!

       The process of allowing ourselves to die (through being broken) in order to be given is a continual process. We are called to practice dying and giving every single day. This is really a challenge but I find help in asking for Mary to assist me. Mary died completely to herself in offering her entire life to God when she gave her yes to conceiving Jesus by the Holy Spirit. Prayer is essential in this process because we truly need God's help in order to die and give of ourselves on a daily basis. Katrina invited us to take a huge step in actually praying for God to break us more so that we can be given more. She warned us to not pray this lightly because if we pray for it we will be broken more. This is something I am still not quite ready to do but I really pray that I will allow God to lead me to that place in my spirituality. Love is so beautiful in that in its purest form it inspires us to die to ourselves and give completely of ourselves. Ironically in death love actually becomes life giving. God desires to give us eternal life after we die isn't that beyond amazing and wonderful? Let's not be afraid of brokenness and dying to ourselves but strive to embrace it. This is certainly easier to do in a community of others striving for the same thing so please continue to pray for each other. I would really appreciate any comment's on this series of posts. I am still getting the hang of blogging so I would like to know if my posts are helpful or not! I can take constructive criticism it can help break me a tiny bit :)

And please check out this wonderful organization!
http://madeinhisimage.org/

Living the Eucharistic Pattern: Broken

       This part of living the Eucharistic pattern resonated the most with me and helped me the most. God spent a whole week making sure I really understood this message. It was exactly what I needed to hear to help me with my struggles and I hope it is helpful to you as well. After we are chosen and blessed we must be BROKEN just as the Priest breaks the Eucharist and Jesus broke the bread which would become his flesh that he offered up for us. All of us have been broken to some degree by different life circumstances. Henri Nouwen points out that the unique ways in which we are broken is actually an expression of individuality. How have you been broken?Often we are ashamed of how we are broken and we want to hide it. We pretend that we have everything together and we want to show everyone our best face rather than things that make us vulnerable. When someone asks how you are doing how often are we actually honest and tell them we are something other that "good". What I am learning is that I actually need to embrace my brokenness. Our brokenness is actually insight to where God is calling us to serve him and how he wants to be glorified within us.

      When we are broken it is actually an invitation to a deeper communion with God and it is up to us to either choose to accept or reject it. When I read "Discovering the Feminine Genius" by Katrina Zeno I learned that heartbreak can be God making room for himself in our hearts. That insight was transforming for me. In our weakness God makes us strong. Without our weakness and brokenness we would have no need for God. It is not something to be ashamed of , we are human. Even though I would not consider myself to be a perfectionist I tend to have a really hard time dealing with my shortcomings in my relationship with Tim. In a way this is almost a heresy because I am not God and I was not born without original sin. When we accept our shortcomings and brokenness it is an opportunity for God to increase the blessings in our lives. Please never start to think that you broken beyond God's power to help you because that is impossible. All we need to do is ask for his help and allow him to work within us. God loves to take broken people and restore them to something more beautiful than they were before. History is full of Saints who were terribly broken before they offered their lives to Jesus. If you are struggling with your brokenness our wonderful Mother in heaven, Mary, is more than happy to wrap you up in a loving hug. Never be afraid to ask for her help learning how to trust in her son's redemptive powers :) In order to be shared with others we must be broken first! Knowing that it is part of God's beautiful plan of redemption for us is certainly helpful in accepting the difficult things that happen in our lives. This was incredibly freeing for me and I hope it has been helpful to you as well.

Living the Eucharistic Pattern : Blessed

       After we are chosen, God doesn't just leave us on our own. We are BLESSED. This blessing doesn't just happen once, it is an ongoing experience. Blessings affirm us in who we are, unlike compliments which are focused on what we do. Jesus cares more about who we are than what we do. Even Jesus experienced affirmations from God multiple times in the Gospels. After Jesus was baptized the Holy Spirit descends on him as a dove "and behold, a voice out of the heavens said, "This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well-pleased." Matthew 3:17. I absolutely love this passage. Imagine God saying the same thing about you "This is My beloved son/daughter, in whom I am well-pleased" Isn't that what our hearts desire? Especially if our biological parents don't say voice their approval of us I can imagine we would desire it that much more. Another bible passage comes from Numbers:23-25 "Speak to Aaron and his sons, saying 'Thus you shall bless the sons of Israel  You shall say to them The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you, and be gracious to you" God certainly desired to bestow blessings upon us and allow us to feel affirmed in exactly who we are. 

       One of the most important places where God will richly blesses and affirms us is through prayer. This is only one of the reasons why prayer is so important. It can be very difficult to be silent in prayer. Anyone who knows me knows that I like to talk A LOT. Likewise I spend a lot of time talking to God in prayer rather than sitting in silence. However, I have been trying to at least have some silence after I tell God all that I want to tell him .Adoration can be a good time to practice just being in God's presence in silence so that we can be attentive to what he is telling us but we can make time for silence anywhere. In this silence we are able to listen for the voice of blessing. My challenge to you is to spend more time in silence in order to recognize the blessings God would like to bestow on you. God has really been helping me deal with some things lately and all it has taken is for me to spend some time in silence before him. He has helped me put together the puzzle pieces he has been constructing in my life. It has been very helpful! 

       Furthermore we can help affirm each-other  We really should let everyone in our lives know how much of a blessing they are! So many people feel like their life is pointless and that is never true. I have not done the best job at implementing this. Imagine telling the cashier at the grocery store how she has blessed you, not exactly normal social protocol but it could touch her heart. Also, when someone asks how you are instead of saying "I am good" try saying "I am blessed". Again that is another one I need to work on! I have been blessed by having so many people read my blog and I have been really surprised by all of the positive feedback I have received so thank you for blessing me :)